Reflections
I am attracted and terrified.
The first thing I noticed was the laugh and then the utterly individual and unique voice. The sound of late nights and cigarettes, whiskey and gravel, adventures and edge.
My first thought is not of desire but of intigue. Along side a half hearted flash of disdain for the inexcusable filling of the quiet room. What woman is this that makes no apologies and owns the space.
She is familiar.
I observe and listen from behind the comforting shield of technology. Out of the way, an invisible and polite guest.
She is there. Often. As am I. Our orbits gravitationally equal.
A mutual acquaintance has drawn her attention to me one night, in a different but similar venue. I am now on her radar.
Now she notices that I am present, in all our various rounds. Many times I arrive first and shortly after, she saunters in, swagger and friendly intimidation.
I begin to feel uninhibited foolhardy courage. Perhaps a familiarity through unnoticed observation has made me bold, but I am still intrigued and enjoy the unintentional symmetry.
I suggest the universe has plans for us to get to know one another by putting us in all the same times and places. We pass back and forth agreement at the idea of intimate knowledge. Uncommitted promises of friendship we cannot seem to arrange.
This is safe and this is fun and feels like excitement at all the possibility and none of the risk.
But my unfiltered thoughts are bolder and my mouth faster than rationality and pride. Instinct pushes me forward without my own consent.
I have been flirting. I catch myself often later to realize what I've said. I do not understand why this happens. She is something familiar and something terrifying and I cannot place the discomfort it brings me on reflection.
She admits to feeling pressure and I cannot blame her for it. I feel the consequences of my actions overwhelm me. An undriven desire has blossomed to peel back all the layers to know more. There is something burried and hidden and despite my terror I am drawn back to it.
We begin to speak of uncomfortable things but she is repeatedly distracted by those around her. I leave when her back is turned, feeling a spark of shame for wanting what I do not understand. She apologizes to me later and when next we meet, she finalizes a plan.
She has changed the game and the rules and we meet with intent. No longer like motes of dust floating about in a stream of sunlight. I have seen unexpected compassion from the woman I have deemed dangerous and full of mystery.
We meet and I fumble forward awkwardly and as detached as I can feign. She is like a pacing animal. She tries to stay still and engage and I have defaulted into observation. I hide my disappointment when she informs me she is leaving to meet others. I wonder if she is uncomfortable and regrets the interaction but I am wrong. She asks to meet again.
I am haunted waiting for the next time we meet. She has infiltrated my subconscious. There is something I cannot place that drills in my memory.
I recall our brief chatter she had mentioned being much heavier which had surprised me. Curiosity, as is now ingrained and synonymous, has infected me.
I am unable to help myself and parse through the photos she has posted in her socials. I finally reconcile the nagging familiarity. I have recognised my life in reverse in these images. I am where she was, and where she is now, was once who I had been.
Her ferocity was what I once owned and had forgotten and had been convinced I did not possess.
I understand what is terrifying now. The symmetry is a mirror, and I do not like the looking glass and what it has shown. I feel revulsion for myself and the shame I've been swallowing. I cannot help but wonder if she too has been observing me. Does she recognize herself as well? Does she feel the weight of what her past was like bearing down in my eyes? Is this where the unexpected kindness is born?
I have uninintentionally torn open my wounds and gazed inside. My intrigue now seems like self flagulation. The world feels once again vibrating with edge and gravel but now I see it has embedded in my skin.
But I see that there is strength. She has reminded me that there was such power I had once possessed. There had been many incredible things.
I was adventures and loud laughter. The tornado in the room. The force that swept people away with me. Her presence has been served to remind me that change is possible and that under it all, I am still in there somewhere. I have been lied to and she has me looking deeper.
This lesson will be painful.
I am attracted and terrified.