It's time again - DEATH STORM 2006 WATCH!!!!
Well, since yesterday the Detroit media has been full of panic as a nice little snowstorm is hitting our area today. While in Metro Detroit I can expect 1-2 inches this evening, my parents (40 minutes north of me) are expecting 6-8 inches this evening.
What always amazes me about the news coverage is that you see the same shit with every storm. Each station should just run a tape of the last time a snowstorm came through town, since the same shit is always reported. And in that spirit, I am once again doing the same with this post...with a few edits and add-ons from the last time this post appeared.
Here's how it works in Detroit, at least:
1) First, you get the overweight reporter (and it's always a black guy, too....Jesse Jackson needs to forget about non-existant vote fraud in Ohio and Florida, and instead look into this obvious form of racial discrimination!) who stands outside in the falling torrent of snow, then proceeds to tell you that "Yep, it's snowing pretty good now!".
2) Next, you have the blond reporterette who's hanging out with the salt truck drivers. Always get the obligatory reference to "we'll be doing this all night!", somehow, as well.
3) Cut over to video of some senior citizens standing in line to buy shovels and snowblowers hours before the storm hits...because we know that Michigan never gets snow in the wintertime!
4) Next, we get the weather guy, who's been "on alert" all day just for us, telling us just how bad the snow is going to make life for us. Yes, without the weatherman around, I wouldn't know that I should allow a few minutes to get to wherever I'm going, or that I should probably slow down when driving on 3 inches of unplowed snow. Thanks, dude!
5. Make sure that no matter what, this snowstorm is the STORM OF THE CENTURY (Complete with ominous themed music in their updates)! Either that, or regardless of what may have happened in January or February of this year, this snowstorm is definitively THE BLIZZARD OF '06!!
6. Break into everyone's favorite daytime and evening programming to remind them that it's snowing...because people, evidently, are too stupid to peek out their windows and figure that out.
7. Special reports from the local supermarket, where senior citizens are falling over each other in the aisles to get to the last available gallon of water, then the last available gallon of milk, then the last loaf of bread. As we all know, milk and bread are the two most important items to have when protecting onesself from inclement weather.
8. Cue the safety czar up, reminding everyone to keep a warm blanket and a shovel in your car should go off into a ditch and get stuck for a couple of days.
9. Don't forget the friendly county sheriff who shows up, making his plea to people to stay off the roads "if you absolutely don't have to be on the roads" - that's actually pretty good advice when it's also 80 and sunny out, but somehow it's supposed to sound impressive when it's during wintertime.
Somehow, we'll manage to survive all of this, until DEATH STORM 2007 hits us, at least.
What always amazes me about the news coverage is that you see the same shit with every storm. Each station should just run a tape of the last time a snowstorm came through town, since the same shit is always reported. And in that spirit, I am once again doing the same with this post...with a few edits and add-ons from the last time this post appeared.
Here's how it works in Detroit, at least:
1) First, you get the overweight reporter (and it's always a black guy, too....Jesse Jackson needs to forget about non-existant vote fraud in Ohio and Florida, and instead look into this obvious form of racial discrimination!) who stands outside in the falling torrent of snow, then proceeds to tell you that "Yep, it's snowing pretty good now!".
2) Next, you have the blond reporterette who's hanging out with the salt truck drivers. Always get the obligatory reference to "we'll be doing this all night!", somehow, as well.
3) Cut over to video of some senior citizens standing in line to buy shovels and snowblowers hours before the storm hits...because we know that Michigan never gets snow in the wintertime!
4) Next, we get the weather guy, who's been "on alert" all day just for us, telling us just how bad the snow is going to make life for us. Yes, without the weatherman around, I wouldn't know that I should allow a few minutes to get to wherever I'm going, or that I should probably slow down when driving on 3 inches of unplowed snow. Thanks, dude!
5. Make sure that no matter what, this snowstorm is the STORM OF THE CENTURY (Complete with ominous themed music in their updates)! Either that, or regardless of what may have happened in January or February of this year, this snowstorm is definitively THE BLIZZARD OF '06!!
6. Break into everyone's favorite daytime and evening programming to remind them that it's snowing...because people, evidently, are too stupid to peek out their windows and figure that out.
7. Special reports from the local supermarket, where senior citizens are falling over each other in the aisles to get to the last available gallon of water, then the last available gallon of milk, then the last loaf of bread. As we all know, milk and bread are the two most important items to have when protecting onesself from inclement weather.
8. Cue the safety czar up, reminding everyone to keep a warm blanket and a shovel in your car should go off into a ditch and get stuck for a couple of days.
9. Don't forget the friendly county sheriff who shows up, making his plea to people to stay off the roads "if you absolutely don't have to be on the roads" - that's actually pretty good advice when it's also 80 and sunny out, but somehow it's supposed to sound impressive when it's during wintertime.
Somehow, we'll manage to survive all of this, until DEATH STORM 2007 hits us, at least.