find out why some things change
Why, if I know that recovery is the right thing, the good thing, the only choice, do I feel so fucking disgusting?
Why, after months do I suddenly panic about weight, sizes, measurements, calories. It was so easy at first, and now I just want nothing more than to be small again, to shrink back into an enviable size.
I hate being fat. I hate it.
This whole recovery thing is just on my nerves today. I hope it gets easier. I hope I stop wanting to go back, head first. I hope something works for goddamn once in my life in my brain and I can figure out how to get past this.
I do want to be well.
But I don't want to change. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to give this up.
Fuck. What a realization.
Why, after months do I suddenly panic about weight, sizes, measurements, calories. It was so easy at first, and now I just want nothing more than to be small again, to shrink back into an enviable size.
I hate being fat. I hate it.
This whole recovery thing is just on my nerves today. I hope it gets easier. I hope I stop wanting to go back, head first. I hope something works for goddamn once in my life in my brain and I can figure out how to get past this.
I do want to be well.
But I don't want to change. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to give this up.
Fuck. What a realization.