(no subject)
I am returning to this medium because it was always a helpful place to record and organize my thoughts. Perhaps the latter was much more of a necessity than I ever cared to give attention. At 26, I have come a long way in terms of my struggles, but tonight I really need to express, if only to myself, how I feel. I know when I am being picked on. What is unclear is how much aforethought this person puts behinds her actions. I know there is some, because when I am calmly asked to do something I already know to do, the speculation is apparent. What I know I have to do, is move on. I cannot wake up to a destabilized tomorrow. The truth is, if I get let go, I get let go, and I have made every positive affirmative step to ensure that will not happen. On a more basic level, we are both people, and people of a certain age. And I don't want to be treated like less than the person I am.
Perhaps why I even say that there is a chance of tomorrow being destabalized, is that growing up picked on my whole life, left and right, juncture to juncture with breaks in between, I so masochistically internalized so much of it. If I let myself wake up tomorrow and feel like I do not know what I am doing, I am giving credence to a path of esteem annihilation. The truth is I don't have to give that oxygen to breathe, nourishment to consume. That, unthoughtful, wrongly persecutive negativity is not worthy of feeding. So I don't have to go back tomorrow and return it. That's the beautiful thing too.
Perhaps why I even say that there is a chance of tomorrow being destabalized, is that growing up picked on my whole life, left and right, juncture to juncture with breaks in between, I so masochistically internalized so much of it. If I let myself wake up tomorrow and feel like I do not know what I am doing, I am giving credence to a path of esteem annihilation. The truth is I don't have to give that oxygen to breathe, nourishment to consume. That, unthoughtful, wrongly persecutive negativity is not worthy of feeding. So I don't have to go back tomorrow and return it. That's the beautiful thing too.