(no subject)
Thomas and I had agreed to meet today to exchange the stuff we'd left at each other's houses. He said he'd call me around 4. So I went swimming today in the afternoon, and got in the shower around 3:35. When I get out and am drying my hair Sarah comes in and said "Oh, Robert, just to let you know Thomas is is in the living room." And my eyes widen. I didn't really want him to see me in a towel. So I awkwardly walk by and say, "hi! let me just get dressed." So he comes into my room and I give him his stuff, and I had told him I wanted to clarify what had happened with our breakup. I basically told him that I didn't care that he had a crush on some guy, thought he was cute, liked his personality. I think that's pretty common in long term relationships. He told me he thought it was okay, that he was his own person and he didn't have to ask me to go on dates with other people. I explained to him while I agreed, he didn't have to ask me, but in the context of our relationship, I think he was a little responsible to in a way. Then I confronted him about him planning on breaking up with me at the end of the summer, why lie for 3 months? He then told me that people who are married, one partner with a terminal illness, don't consider their intimacy lies. I told him that I'm assuming in most cases both partners would know. In ours, only he knew of the termination, pretended like nothing was wrong for a month, leading me to think everything was fine. Then he went on to tell me that he wanted to wait and see how things went with this guy before breaking up with me because if he broke up with me and the other guy didn't work out then he had lost everything. I said, "Thomas, look: I lost everything, in the sense you mean. He looked at me like this was a foreign concept, that mattering. Who the hell is this boy? So, it took him a while to get to my point that I think it was really hurtful that he lied to me for a month whilst planning a breakup. He said, "So we decided I should have told you right when I knew?" I looked at him and said,"No, that's what I decided, you have to make your own choice." He left very awkwardly, he looked sad and frustrated. Then as soon as he got home he IMed me on facebook and said something like "I don't know how I became interested in someone else when I feel like things were going so well for us." And then, started talking to me about the intersection of race and sexuality on the Davis campus, which he must have KNOWN I couldn't walk away from. He talked to me for an hour before I felt like I was just being used as a time filler so he didn't get lonely. To top it off he IMed me again tonight. It went like this:
Thomas
hey
hows it going
10:01pmRobert
hi
fine
you?
10:01pmThomas
good
have a headache :(:(
tho
10:02pmRobert
I'm sorry, did you take some excedrin?
10:02pmThomas
i took some advil 20 mins ago
10:03pmRobert
hopefully that helps
10:03pmThomas
ow i think im having an aneurysm
D=
10:04pmRobert
that bad?
10:04pmThomas
its like a tension headache from the heat i think
10:05pmRobert
yeah, it has been very hot
10:07pmRobert
well I hope you feel better
10:07pmThomas
thanks
so when do you work tjhis week again?
10:08pmRobert
Friday 10 to Sunday 10 pm
10:08pmThomas
wow
10:16pmRobert
I'm going to go watch miss kathy
I hope you feel better
10:18pmThomas
okay
thanks robert
have a good night!
11:26pmThomas is offline.
I hate that I had to vent about it. Obviously, I'm mad, but still emotionally invested in him. I should just tell him that I need space, like actually this time. I feel like after remembering everything that was said he just truly does not respect me. How is it so easy for me to know this and still care about him? I have been really good about filling my days so I don't dwell on it, but it's really difficult when he's taking up a huge chunk of my day in pieces. I just want him to empathize, give me space, apologize. Care too?