(no subject)
Shaun: It's not that I don't wanna spend time with you, cause I do. It's just... Ed doesn't have too many friends.
Ed: Can I get... any of you cunts... a drink?
Shaun: [in concerned tone] Mum, have you been bitten?
Barbara: No, but Philip has.
Shaun: Oh, OK.
Ed: [concerned] Has she been bitten?
Shaun: No, Philip has.
Ed: Oh, OK.
Shaun: [about Ed] He's not my boyfriend!
Ed: [handing beer to Shaun] It might be a bit warm, the cooler was off.
Shaun: Thanks, babe.
[winks]
Shaun: Did you know that on several occasions... he touched me?
[long pause as Barbara turns to look at Shaun]
Shaun: That wasn't true. Shouldn't have said that.
David: I'm not staying here.
Liz: David, don't, that's suicide.
Ed: I think you should go.
Ed: Why have we got to go to Liz's?
Shaun: Because we do.
Ed: But she dumped you!
Shaun: I have to know if she's all right!
Ed: Why?
Shaun: Because I love her!
Ed: All right... gayyy... I'm not staying there, though.
Ed: Yeah, boyyyeee!
[on Philip's Jaguar]
Shaun: Philip, have you still got the child-locks on?
Philip: Safety first, Shaun.
[describing the zombies]
Dianne: Vacant, with a hint of sadness. Like a drunk who's lost a bet.
[trying to call the emergency services]
Ed: Shaun, what's going on?
Shaun: Shit, it's engaged!
Ed: How about an ambulance?
Shaun: It's engaged, Ed.
Ed: A fire engine?
Shaun: It's one number, Ed, and it's busy! Okay? What you want a fire engine for, anyway?
Ed: Anything with flashing lights, you know?
David: You still haven't met his mum?
Shaun: Not yet!
Dianne: Don't you get on with your mum, Shaun?
Shaun: It's not that I don't get on with her...
David: Are you ashamed of your mum, Shaun?
Shaun: No! I love my mum!
Ed: I love his mum too.
Shaun: Ed!
Ed: [singing] She's like butter!
Shaun: Ed!
Ed: It's not hip-hop... it's Electro... prick. Next time I see him... he's dead.
Shaun: Kill the Queen!
David: What?
Shaun: The jukebox!
[Shaun is channel hopping]
[Channel 4 News]
Krishnan Guru-Murthy: Though no one official is prepared to comment, religious groups are calling it Judgement Day. There's...
[VH1, playing "Panic" by The Smiths]
Morrissey: - Panic on the streets of London...
[ITV News]
Newsreader: - as an increasing number of reports of...
[Football]
Commentator: - serious attacks on...
[Five News]
Newsreader: - people, who are literally being...
[Nature documentary, leopards eating a gazelle]
Narrator: - eaten alive.
[Sky News]
Jeremy Thompson: Witnesses' reports at best are sketchy, but one unifying detail seems to be that the attackers in many instances appear to be...
[T4]
Vernon Kaye: - dead excited to have with us here a sensational chart topping...
Liz: You, hang out with my friends? A failed actress and a twat?
Shaun: Well, that's a bit harsh.
Liz: Your words, Shaun!
Shaun: I did NOT call Diane a failed actress!
Shaun: Pete? Pete?
Ed: Why can't we go up there?
Shaun: Because A, he might be one of them, and B, he might still be annoyed.
Shaun: Pete?
Ed: OI, PRICK!
[There is a pause]
Shaun, Ed: [together] He's not in.
[after Shaun gets shouted at by Liz]
David: Basically, I'd say your nine lives are up, Shaun
Shaun: Get fucked, four eyes! Why don't you go out with her if you love her so much?
[storms off]
David: Well, I don't know what he meant by that.
[uncomfortable silence]
Shaun: As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "I" in meat pie. Meat is the anagram of team... I don't know what he was talking about.
Shaun: Mum, look, what would you say if I told you that over the years Philip's been quite unkind to me?
Barbara: Well you weren't always the easiest person to live with
Shaun: Mum, he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood!
Barbara: Well you did call him a you-know-what!
Shaun: Oh, what, did he tell you that?
Barbara: Yes he did.
Shaun: Mother fucker!
Barbara: Shaun!
Shaun: Sorry mother!... mum!
Barbara: My, how you've grown!
Ed: Yeah, you'd better believe it.
Shaun: You're the one that's gone from being a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston!
David: I'm not a chartered accountant!
Shaun: Well, you look like one!
Ed: YEAH!
David: I'm a lecturer.
Shaun: You're a twat!
Ed: YEAH!
Ed: Do you want your messages?
Shaun: What?
Ed: Well, your mum rang about you going around tomorrow night, and then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.
Shaun: *What*?
Shaun: Would anyone like... a peanut?
Shaun: All right, I've got a car outside, but it's going to be a bit cramped, so has anyone got transport?
Dianne: Yes, yes!
Shaun: Great, where?
Dianne: Oh? No, well I passed my test.
Shaun: [to a girl in the garden] Excuse me?
[no response]
Shaun: Excuse me?
[no response]
Shaun: Hellew?
[no response]
Ed: [picks up a pebble and throws it off her back] Oi!
[girl turns round, a zombie]
Shaun: Oh, my God! She's so drunk!
Ed: I'm sorry, Shaun.
Shaun: It's OK.
Ed: No, I'm *sorry*, Shaun.
Shaun: What?
[smells Ed's fart]
Shaun: Oh, God, that's rotten!
Ed: I'll stop doing them when you stop laughing!
Shaun: I'm not laughing!
Liz: Goodbye, Ed. Love you.
Ed: Cheers!
Shaun: I love you too, Ed.
Ed: Gaaayy!
Ed: See? You don't need Liz to have a good time.
Shaun: Oh, don't, man.
Ed: No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I'm not gonna say, you know, there's plenty more fish in the sea. I'm not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I'm not going to bombard you with clichés. But what I will say is this?
[chuckling]
Ed: It's not the end of the world.
Shaun: As Bertrand Russell once said, 'The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation.' I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.
Liz: Was that on a beer mat?
Shaun: Yeah, it was Guinness Extra Cold.
Liz: I won't say anything.
Shaun: Thanks.