Berlin
I had a dream last night that I had a trip to Berlin planned, only I was so busy in the months leading up to it that I seriously forgot ALL ABOUT IT. So much so that I woke up the day of the flight and it hit me full force: OH FUCK, I HAVE A FLIGHT TO BERLIN TODAY. I hadn't packed. I couldn't find my German phrasebook. I couldn't find my Lonely Planet Guide to Germany, despite being pretty damn sure I'd left it in my nightstand drawer. I hadn't planned any side trips to surrounding areas of the city. And worst of all, I hadn't gotten another passport book. My house was a mess, clothes everywhere, and no matter what I did, I couldn't stay awake anywhere at any time. That was why I was so ill-prepared: I couldn't stay awake for months.
It is true that in waking life, I've misplaced my passport (yes, seriously, not lost it) and just threw out enough money to get a passport card just to get into Canada late last year. I tried to use the information out of my book just to get a new copy of it, and the passport bureau snapped back that I couldn't do that, that I had to report the book as lost or stolen and get another book or card. That and now if I were to try and use my book I've been forced to report (as in, they wouldn't give me another one without the report filed first, so no, I couldn't lie about it), I could be denied entry back into the United States if I left it with the book as my only type of border crossing documentation.
It's also true in waking life that I really AM falling asleep everywhere and am finding myself ill-prepared for everything as a consequence. Laundry doesn't get done. Iced tea doesn't get made. Lunch to take to work the following day doesn't get cooked. Floors don't get cleaned as much as I'd like. Dishes have to be left in the sink all day so I can dash off to work. I'm so fucking burned out from working 50 hours a week, it's not even funny. It's so bad that I fucking fell asleep at Quad during a Matt Darey show. And I mean sitting up with my shoulder propped on Spider's shoulder. I haven't been able to practise poi or fans or staff or anything because I collapse right when I get home from work. I pass out before getting ready for bed, undressing, washing up, taking out contacts, removing makeup, or even EATING DINNER. I either wake up in the middle of the night starving and still too exhausted to eat, but have to eat because otherwise I can't sleep, or I just sleep through the night and wake up because I'm starving.
Dear Gods, PLEASE give me a life where I don't have to do this shit any longer. I can't go on like this. I've been working like this for four years straight and I've just burned out.
I don't have time to write or make art, and I barely have enough time to manage a fire performing troupe. I should start making audio recordings and posting them here - I pretty much never have time to make real entries.
It is true that in waking life, I've misplaced my passport (yes, seriously, not lost it) and just threw out enough money to get a passport card just to get into Canada late last year. I tried to use the information out of my book just to get a new copy of it, and the passport bureau snapped back that I couldn't do that, that I had to report the book as lost or stolen and get another book or card. That and now if I were to try and use my book I've been forced to report (as in, they wouldn't give me another one without the report filed first, so no, I couldn't lie about it), I could be denied entry back into the United States if I left it with the book as my only type of border crossing documentation.
It's also true in waking life that I really AM falling asleep everywhere and am finding myself ill-prepared for everything as a consequence. Laundry doesn't get done. Iced tea doesn't get made. Lunch to take to work the following day doesn't get cooked. Floors don't get cleaned as much as I'd like. Dishes have to be left in the sink all day so I can dash off to work. I'm so fucking burned out from working 50 hours a week, it's not even funny. It's so bad that I fucking fell asleep at Quad during a Matt Darey show. And I mean sitting up with my shoulder propped on Spider's shoulder. I haven't been able to practise poi or fans or staff or anything because I collapse right when I get home from work. I pass out before getting ready for bed, undressing, washing up, taking out contacts, removing makeup, or even EATING DINNER. I either wake up in the middle of the night starving and still too exhausted to eat, but have to eat because otherwise I can't sleep, or I just sleep through the night and wake up because I'm starving.
Dear Gods, PLEASE give me a life where I don't have to do this shit any longer. I can't go on like this. I've been working like this for four years straight and I've just burned out.
I don't have time to write or make art, and I barely have enough time to manage a fire performing troupe. I should start making audio recordings and posting them here - I pretty much never have time to make real entries.