Holiday play list prototype
There are so many things so many of us would deem "the worst thing about the holiday season." My "worst thing" is Christmas music, which would piss me off even if I were Christian. To which end I heartily declare that the finest birthday gift I've ever received was an mp3 player, and my single best investment of my life these. Because, from Black Friday onwards, there is no way to so much as sit in a doctor's waiting room without being bombarded with goddamn Christmas music.
But that does not save me from having Christmas-music adoring relatives.
What to do, but frantically compile a play list of music that is distinctly Not Christmas Music, but passably in the holiday spirit. No carols, no muzak, no Nutcracker Suite, and most certainly no Miley Cyrus cover of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." And none of Sarah McLachlan's Christmas album, because it's still too Christmassy. The only problem is having to listen to soundtracks to figure out what bombastic, foreshadowing, or otherwise not exactly cheerful tracks to edit out. Luckily this is often easy to figure out from track titles - if a track says anything like "battle," "fighting," "warriors," "hunters," "war," or "retreat," it's entirely likely it won't be appropriate by the standards of any boring ass relatives you might have... and I certainly do.
Here is a prototype - i.e., far from complete - list made to avoid criticism from very boring people who seem to think - if not openly complain - that I'm the strangest person on earth, currently in beta testing. It's only about 3.6 hours worth, and I have shitloads more material I will never have time to test before they get here.
Artist: Émilie Simon
La Marche de L'Empereur
Use:
"The Frozen World"
"Mother's Pain"
"To the Dancers on the Ice"
Anything else on that soundtrack might get a "What the hell is this shit?" reaction from said boring people. Because, you know, they're boring.
Artist: Björk
Vespertine
Use:
"Frosti"
Even if you're six deep in Björk-haters, they won't even notice this is hers. I promise you this.
Artist: Harry Gregson-Williams
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Use:
"Evacuating London"
"The Wardrobe"
"Lucy Meets Mr. Tumnus"
"A Narnia Lullaby"
"From Western Woods to Beaversdam"
"Only the Beginning of the Adventure"
"Can't Take It In" - Imogen Heap
"Winter Light" - Tim Finn (but be warned, he sounds kind of like a bad Peter Gabriel)
"Where" - Lisabeth Scott
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Use:
"The Kings and Queens of Old"
"Arrival at Aslan's How"
"The Door In the Air"
"The Call" - Regina Spektor
"A Dance 'Round the Memory Tree" - Oren Lavie
"This is Home" - Switchfoot
"Lucy" - Hanne Hukkelberg
Artist (main): Dario Marianelli
V For Vendetta
I am dead serious. A lot of this is unusable, of course. The rest, well, it's very unlikely anyone but you and I will notice what it is.
Use:
"Cry me a River" - Julie London
"Evey Reborn"
"I Found a Reason" - Cat Power
"Bird Gurhl" - Antony and the Johnsons
And, if you're American or Russian, you might be able to get away with "Knives and Bullets (and Cannons Too)," despite of, and maybe even because of, the inclusion of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. Russians can do this because it's actually patriotic. Americans who aren't related to any music or history majors can do it, because bizarrely enough, some Americans think it's patriotic, when it has nothing to do with the US. Just say, “Oh, it’s patriotic. Can’t we have a patriotic Christmas? I haven’t had one of those since 2001.”
Artist: Klaus Badelt
Pirates of the Carribean: Curse of the Black Pearl
Use:
"Underwater March"
"One Last Shot"
Artist: Hans Zimmer
Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
"Two Hornpipes (Tortuga)"
Artist: Hans Zimmer
Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End
"Up is Down"
"One Day"
Artist: Howard Shore
The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
“The Shire”
“Bag End”
“Very Old Friends”
“Flaming Red Hair”
“Three is Company”
“The Passing of the Elves”
“Rivendell”
“The Council of Elron Assembles”
“Gilraen’s Memorial”
“Caras Galadhon”
“Parth Galen”
“The Road Goes Ever on… Part 1”
“May It Be”
“The Road Goes Ever on… Part 2”
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
“Ent Draught”
“Edoras”
“One of the Dбnedain”
“The Chalice Passed”
“Eowyn’s Dream”
“Anduril - Flame of the West”
“The Passing of the Grey Company”
“The Passing of Theoden”
“The Houses of Healing”
“The Last Debate”
“The Eagles”
Of course, anything mentioning orcs or Sarumon is automatically out. Howard Shore works can be maddening to screen. This is because he'll make an eight-minute-long track, and for the first four minutes, you think, wow, this track will work great. Then all of sudden it goes headlong into hellfire-and-brimstone tones that nix that possibility.
I know this doesn't match the information easily found on the soundtracks. Sue me and complain to the Russians who made my ownership of the latter two possible. (A very big Спасибо!!! to you lovely people.) Be grateful, because after the hours of screening all this, I have just about had it with classical music for a long time. I may have to hold off on screening the OST to Northern Lights, I mean the Golden Compass until I can appreciate it again.
For all ye athiests, Buddhists, Pagans, and others forced to deal with playing the Christian game until the year is out, good luck. This is for you.
But that does not save me from having Christmas-music adoring relatives.
What to do, but frantically compile a play list of music that is distinctly Not Christmas Music, but passably in the holiday spirit. No carols, no muzak, no Nutcracker Suite, and most certainly no Miley Cyrus cover of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." And none of Sarah McLachlan's Christmas album, because it's still too Christmassy. The only problem is having to listen to soundtracks to figure out what bombastic, foreshadowing, or otherwise not exactly cheerful tracks to edit out. Luckily this is often easy to figure out from track titles - if a track says anything like "battle," "fighting," "warriors," "hunters," "war," or "retreat," it's entirely likely it won't be appropriate by the standards of any boring ass relatives you might have... and I certainly do.
Here is a prototype - i.e., far from complete - list made to avoid criticism from very boring people who seem to think - if not openly complain - that I'm the strangest person on earth, currently in beta testing. It's only about 3.6 hours worth, and I have shitloads more material I will never have time to test before they get here.
Artist: Émilie Simon
La Marche de L'Empereur
Use:
"The Frozen World"
"Mother's Pain"
"To the Dancers on the Ice"
Anything else on that soundtrack might get a "What the hell is this shit?" reaction from said boring people. Because, you know, they're boring.
Artist: Björk
Vespertine
Use:
"Frosti"
Even if you're six deep in Björk-haters, they won't even notice this is hers. I promise you this.
Artist: Harry Gregson-Williams
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Use:
"Evacuating London"
"The Wardrobe"
"Lucy Meets Mr. Tumnus"
"A Narnia Lullaby"
"From Western Woods to Beaversdam"
"Only the Beginning of the Adventure"
"Can't Take It In" - Imogen Heap
"Winter Light" - Tim Finn (but be warned, he sounds kind of like a bad Peter Gabriel)
"Where" - Lisabeth Scott
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Use:
"The Kings and Queens of Old"
"Arrival at Aslan's How"
"The Door In the Air"
"The Call" - Regina Spektor
"A Dance 'Round the Memory Tree" - Oren Lavie
"This is Home" - Switchfoot
"Lucy" - Hanne Hukkelberg
Artist (main): Dario Marianelli
V For Vendetta
I am dead serious. A lot of this is unusable, of course. The rest, well, it's very unlikely anyone but you and I will notice what it is.
Use:
"Cry me a River" - Julie London
"Evey Reborn"
"I Found a Reason" - Cat Power
"Bird Gurhl" - Antony and the Johnsons
And, if you're American or Russian, you might be able to get away with "Knives and Bullets (and Cannons Too)," despite of, and maybe even because of, the inclusion of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. Russians can do this because it's actually patriotic. Americans who aren't related to any music or history majors can do it, because bizarrely enough, some Americans think it's patriotic, when it has nothing to do with the US. Just say, “Oh, it’s patriotic. Can’t we have a patriotic Christmas? I haven’t had one of those since 2001.”
Artist: Klaus Badelt
Pirates of the Carribean: Curse of the Black Pearl
Use:
"Underwater March"
"One Last Shot"
Artist: Hans Zimmer
Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
"Two Hornpipes (Tortuga)"
Artist: Hans Zimmer
Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End
"Up is Down"
"One Day"
Artist: Howard Shore
The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
“The Shire”
“Bag End”
“Very Old Friends”
“Flaming Red Hair”
“Three is Company”
“The Passing of the Elves”
“Rivendell”
“The Council of Elron Assembles”
“Gilraen’s Memorial”
“Caras Galadhon”
“Parth Galen”
“The Road Goes Ever on… Part 1”
“May It Be”
“The Road Goes Ever on… Part 2”
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
“Ent Draught”
“Edoras”
“One of the Dбnedain”
“The Chalice Passed”
“Eowyn’s Dream”
“Anduril - Flame of the West”
“The Passing of the Grey Company”
“The Passing of Theoden”
“The Houses of Healing”
“The Last Debate”
“The Eagles”
Of course, anything mentioning orcs or Sarumon is automatically out. Howard Shore works can be maddening to screen. This is because he'll make an eight-minute-long track, and for the first four minutes, you think, wow, this track will work great. Then all of sudden it goes headlong into hellfire-and-brimstone tones that nix that possibility.
I know this doesn't match the information easily found on the soundtracks. Sue me and complain to the Russians who made my ownership of the latter two possible. (A very big Спасибо!!! to you lovely people.) Be grateful, because after the hours of screening all this, I have just about had it with classical music for a long time. I may have to hold off on screening the OST to Northern Lights, I mean the Golden Compass until I can appreciate it again.
For all ye athiests, Buddhists, Pagans, and others forced to deal with playing the Christian game until the year is out, good luck. This is for you.