((continued from iftomorrow)) A New Destiny

[not_the_shell]

Walking, steps twisted and catlike, my body followed my feet while my mind raced in a feeble attempt to understand. To comprehend...

"Wesley."

He sat there on the ground, shrill noises emanating from within and seeping into crevices in the walls around us. Laughter. Laughter and... something else. Something other. Had the visitation from Fred

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[dark_wesley]

"No, you will not," I informed him. "The vampires cannot think this through. They think of the slaughter and nothing else... but a good mind is required, Wesley. Yours."

It bubbled up out of my chest first as a chuckle. For the first few seconds I couldn't understand what it was that I found so damned funny. When the laughter kept coming, I felt myself shake with it.

'A good mind', indeed. Laying on the floor, tittering like a fool when not long ago, I'd had a several sentence conversation with my father, who was nothing more than a voice inside my own head. All right, it was more of an argument, which I supposed was even worse, and the idea only made me laugh the harder.

I shook my head, still snickering. "It's no good, Illyria. The pieces won't fit, not properly. I can't make them connect. I think the thought, but it won't go where I want it to go."

I sounded like I'd gone utterly mad. But what was madness, if not this frightening disconnect from the stimuli of the world outside and the thoughts and reactions I produce in response?

"You're finished being a simpering fool, that is true. But I'll not leave you alone to wallow in self-pity over a woman who returned to kiss you and speak of her love for you! That is more than most humans get in a lifetime, yet you got yours after hers was complete. Did you thank Willow? Did you tell her what a wonderful spell she'd cast so that you might have a moment of peace with your beloved? No. No, you condemned the witch as you've condemned your own mind."

"That's not right," I stammered, "it's not... I didn't..."

Pressing my hands to my temples, I pried the memories out of my mind.

"What she did... was a gift... but... but she couldn't do it again, couldn't make her stay. That's all I asked, but she couldn't make her stay! Why couldn't she stay?"

The irony of the words wracked my body, mixing rueful laughter with a sob.

"You said you would guide me, and yet you would leave me alone in a world that does not wish me here?"

A sharper strike, a better aimed blade that pinned me down with my own intentions. Illyria's words resonated with the core of me, the sense of self that made me the man I am. But when I tried to remember who that was, I was left with nothing but a bitter taste in my mind.

"Everyone is alone, Illyria," I whispered hoarsely. "My final lesson."

[not_the_shell]

"It's no good, Illyria. The pieces won't fit, not properly. I can't make them connect. I think the thought, but it won't go where I want it to go."

My head cocked slightly to the right as I considered this. He was mad, certainly, and not in the way most humans would think. No, his mind was shattered for some reason. Was it the spell? Willow? Fred?

Me?

"What she did... was a gift... but... but she couldn't do it again, couldn't make her stay. That's all I asked, but she couldn't make her stay! Why couldn't she stay?"

"Because the gift was not meant to last in physical form! The gift was one of peace of mind! She could not stay because she is dead, Wesley. Death claims us all, and it was her turn." I looked at my body...

Her Body

... and back at him. Was I a reminder still of his lost love? I shifted the pieces within myself until the clothes and voice were not my own anymore. Perhaps this was the only way to deal with Wesley now.

"Everyone is alone, Illyria. My final lesson."

"It's Fred, silly," came her voice, beckoning, reaching. "I'm right here, Wesley. You're not alone... but you need to be strong, okay? I need you to be strong for me because I'm gonna leave again. Can you do that?"

I smiled her smile.

"Can you do that... for me?"

[dark_wesley]

Illyria would not leave me alone... would not leave me alone, and I couldn't with any of what was left of my mind understand why it was so damned important to not leave me alone. Pressure began to press at my temples and behind my eyes, as if something were building inside, struggling to get out. I fought it... I couldn't let any piece of me get away, not any more than already had.

I'd lost the one thing most precious to me already, and I was slowly losing the other-- my mind.

"Because the gift was not meant to last in physical form! The gift was one of peace of mind! She could not stay because she is dead, Wesley. Death claims us all, and it was her turn."

"No," I growled. "It was not her turn. It was not the appointed time, not the appointed place, not the season or moment or proper alignment of the constellations! It was a mistake!"

There was no right in this, no explanation that would do. There could be no justifying or rationalisation. The universe had broken my heart, and if I couldn't undo things, then I didn't want to try to mend it.

When I looked up, my heart leapt.

"It's Fred, silly. I'm right here, Wesley. You're not alone... but you need to be strong, okay? I need you to be strong for me because I'm gonna leave again. Can you do that? Can you do that... for me?"

I shook my head violently. "Don't leave, don't... no..." The pressure built and built more, and even hands pressed tight to my head, I couldn't keep it back. I looked at her again, and I saw the lie.

"N-no... No... NOOOOOO!!!"

Springing to my feet, my hand closed around that delicate neck, tightened on the smooth, pale skin.

"God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another: you jig, you amble, and you lisp, and nick-name God's creatures, and make your wantonness your ignorance."

The words spilled out in a frantic, furious tumble.

"Go to, I'll no more on't; it hath made me mad."

My voice was a harsh, ragged whisper.

"It hath made me mad."