meh
so yeah. tonight was interesting. i can't believe that i'm doing this journal again but i guess i need somewhere to be EMO.
so the fact that i already am obtaining some sort of a complex from my previous problems with girls earlier this year is really not being helped at the moment by events that occurred tonight. I'm really not sure exactly what happened, but the problem is that, as pretty much everyone already knows, when i am left to myself i overthnk things. And even with MItch here to calm me down somewhat, i still tend to go pretty far over the edge.
Maybe I'll find some sort of pointless rant from a previous journal to make me happy... well... not happy. but yeah. you know.
ok, so i've found something that i really liked, but really only a couple parts really matter to tonight... so know that i'm not directing a lot of this at *you*, but that i am feeling a lot right now and need to say things.
Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance
And vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs
You know nothing about art or sex
That you couldn’t read in any trendy New York underground fashion magazine
Prototypical non-conformist
You are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store Gestapo
You adhere to a set of standards and tastes
That appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges (bullshit)
Giving a thumbs up or thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art
Go analog baby, you’re so post-modern
You’re diving face forward into a antiquated path
It’s disgusting, its offensive, don’t stick your nose up at me
.what do you have to say for yourself.
You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends
Pontificating to each other
Forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory
In which you hog the intellectual spotlight
Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation
Oh, we’re not worthy
When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
It's the same superiority complex
Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about
.what do you have to say for yourself.
Cause I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar
Well let me tell you this, I am shamelessly self-involved
I spend hours in front of the mirror, making my hair elegantly disheveled
I worry about how this song will sound
Because I believe it will determine the relationships I will have in the future
I self medicate with drugs and alcohol to treat my extreme social anxiety
.what do you have to say for yourself.
so yeah... i dont know why i'm doing this again. i'm fairly certain that i'm about to scare her... but i'm in one of those moods where nothign really matters except the glass of water in my hand and what i'm watching on the TV (Just for Laughs... which is ironic considered that could be the tagline of my life right now)
yeah. i'm cold. i was pretty happy at school, for no apparent reason, but when i missed my bus, it was like a kick in the stomach resulting in internal bleeding. mostly because i was letting her down, because i said i'd call her around 4ish when i got home from school. luckily, she was tutoring, so she wasn't waiting around and being disappointed. i missed the bus because i was talking to my english teacher about university, and what is recommended to take, necessary, and such. having missed my bus, i tried calling dad after he came home from work, but he's been coming home late for the past week. anyways, i didn't bother leaving a message. so i walked home. i don't know how many kilometers. but it took me an hour and a half... last of the ghetto astronauts is definitely a good album to listen to when you're depressed. i just kept mindlessly trudging through snowbanks and wandering through suburbia, blindly walking through traffic and the wind causing my eyes to well up with tears. but yeah. i purposefully did that. i said to myself, screw it. i'm walking home through the flurries and freezing rain. solely for the reason that it was the right thing to do. you can't explain such things. but it fit. kinda like what i remember doing in grade nine and, partly, ten. me, being a loner then, would do homework at lunch and avoid people. i distinctly remember the times that i would wander aimlessly through suburban newmarket listening to a beat up copy of smashing pumpkins' ava adore. that cd is quite dear to my heart. i still am somewhat of a loner, i suppose, because individuality is a hard thing to swallow. not like i don't have friends. i always did. but i'm one for quality, not quantity. in high school, i got lost in the mix. some teachers would probably choke on that sentence, because i am considered one of the more intelligent people, being one of the top on the honour roll, blahblahblah. but you know what? it's easy to fake it. it's easy to hide yourself away. it's easy when you're living someone else's version of life. my dilemma nowadays is the fact that i'm somewhat reclaiming my life. i want one extreme or the other. i either want no control at all, just shutting up and quietly doing what's expected of me. no complaining. no joy. just fitting everyone else's version of life. because it would make them happy. i don't really care about my happiness any more, because the scant few things that make me happy, i can't have without being granted full control of my life. and that won't happen any time soon. not with parents around.
anyways.
i'll write something new again soon. maybe. but right now its easier to post all things and resurrect old feelings.
Josh
so the fact that i already am obtaining some sort of a complex from my previous problems with girls earlier this year is really not being helped at the moment by events that occurred tonight. I'm really not sure exactly what happened, but the problem is that, as pretty much everyone already knows, when i am left to myself i overthnk things. And even with MItch here to calm me down somewhat, i still tend to go pretty far over the edge.
Maybe I'll find some sort of pointless rant from a previous journal to make me happy... well... not happy. but yeah. you know.
ok, so i've found something that i really liked, but really only a couple parts really matter to tonight... so know that i'm not directing a lot of this at *you*, but that i am feeling a lot right now and need to say things.
Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance
And vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs
You know nothing about art or sex
That you couldn’t read in any trendy New York underground fashion magazine
Prototypical non-conformist
You are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store Gestapo
You adhere to a set of standards and tastes
That appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges (bullshit)
Giving a thumbs up or thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art
Go analog baby, you’re so post-modern
You’re diving face forward into a antiquated path
It’s disgusting, its offensive, don’t stick your nose up at me
.what do you have to say for yourself.
You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends
Pontificating to each other
Forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory
In which you hog the intellectual spotlight
Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation
Oh, we’re not worthy
When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
It's the same superiority complex
Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about
.what do you have to say for yourself.
Cause I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar
Well let me tell you this, I am shamelessly self-involved
I spend hours in front of the mirror, making my hair elegantly disheveled
I worry about how this song will sound
Because I believe it will determine the relationships I will have in the future
I self medicate with drugs and alcohol to treat my extreme social anxiety
.what do you have to say for yourself.
so yeah... i dont know why i'm doing this again. i'm fairly certain that i'm about to scare her... but i'm in one of those moods where nothign really matters except the glass of water in my hand and what i'm watching on the TV (Just for Laughs... which is ironic considered that could be the tagline of my life right now)
yeah. i'm cold. i was pretty happy at school, for no apparent reason, but when i missed my bus, it was like a kick in the stomach resulting in internal bleeding. mostly because i was letting her down, because i said i'd call her around 4ish when i got home from school. luckily, she was tutoring, so she wasn't waiting around and being disappointed. i missed the bus because i was talking to my english teacher about university, and what is recommended to take, necessary, and such. having missed my bus, i tried calling dad after he came home from work, but he's been coming home late for the past week. anyways, i didn't bother leaving a message. so i walked home. i don't know how many kilometers. but it took me an hour and a half... last of the ghetto astronauts is definitely a good album to listen to when you're depressed. i just kept mindlessly trudging through snowbanks and wandering through suburbia, blindly walking through traffic and the wind causing my eyes to well up with tears. but yeah. i purposefully did that. i said to myself, screw it. i'm walking home through the flurries and freezing rain. solely for the reason that it was the right thing to do. you can't explain such things. but it fit. kinda like what i remember doing in grade nine and, partly, ten. me, being a loner then, would do homework at lunch and avoid people. i distinctly remember the times that i would wander aimlessly through suburban newmarket listening to a beat up copy of smashing pumpkins' ava adore. that cd is quite dear to my heart. i still am somewhat of a loner, i suppose, because individuality is a hard thing to swallow. not like i don't have friends. i always did. but i'm one for quality, not quantity. in high school, i got lost in the mix. some teachers would probably choke on that sentence, because i am considered one of the more intelligent people, being one of the top on the honour roll, blahblahblah. but you know what? it's easy to fake it. it's easy to hide yourself away. it's easy when you're living someone else's version of life. my dilemma nowadays is the fact that i'm somewhat reclaiming my life. i want one extreme or the other. i either want no control at all, just shutting up and quietly doing what's expected of me. no complaining. no joy. just fitting everyone else's version of life. because it would make them happy. i don't really care about my happiness any more, because the scant few things that make me happy, i can't have without being granted full control of my life. and that won't happen any time soon. not with parents around.
anyways.
i'll write something new again soon. maybe. but right now its easier to post all things and resurrect old feelings.
Josh