so much emotion hitting after so long without...
It all started when I called a few people one night. I realized that I had held the same convo over and over and over again. Things were said...by all parties. I held my tounge and I NEVER do that. I played it all off and kept it all going. It lasted untill tonight. I figured I would try to settle things out within myself. I had always wished on people to love me as much as I have loved those that scorn me or whathave you. And then a few did, outta nowhere. And instead of correcting things I HELD MY TOUNGE. I led them on.
And thats just one prob. It grows deeper.
As foolish as it sounds...with all this new found love, even if it was ill-gotten, it was like my goal was achieved and I wanted something more. I now know that I never wanted people to want me. I do not have a clue what I want.
I don't have many friends out here like I had back home. I confine in noone. I hang with good people but they are not exactly what I look for.
I got a place, a nice appartment with a view. I wanted a home after losing mine. This is no home. I have no home. (and isn't home where the heart is?) I wanted a family, so I invited roomates. A father figure and a brother figure. We fight like my family often does, but this is no family.
And then all the Navy crap comes in. I gave all my freedoms to protect yours and his and hers. I gave all I had, because I worried what others thought and viewed of me. I never was myself...I was a good guy...but I was never me. Never Alex. And now I don't even feel as if I am anyone. I need to know who I am. Or atleast who I am going to be.
After all is said and done... I hope I do not wish and pray for answers...so many questions are better left unanswered.
And thats just one prob. It grows deeper.
As foolish as it sounds...with all this new found love, even if it was ill-gotten, it was like my goal was achieved and I wanted something more. I now know that I never wanted people to want me. I do not have a clue what I want.
I don't have many friends out here like I had back home. I confine in noone. I hang with good people but they are not exactly what I look for.
I got a place, a nice appartment with a view. I wanted a home after losing mine. This is no home. I have no home. (and isn't home where the heart is?) I wanted a family, so I invited roomates. A father figure and a brother figure. We fight like my family often does, but this is no family.
And then all the Navy crap comes in. I gave all my freedoms to protect yours and his and hers. I gave all I had, because I worried what others thought and viewed of me. I never was myself...I was a good guy...but I was never me. Never Alex. And now I don't even feel as if I am anyone. I need to know who I am. Or atleast who I am going to be.
After all is said and done... I hope I do not wish and pray for answers...so many questions are better left unanswered.