I wonder...
There are so many things I wonder about... I wonder why is it that I get this shitty life.. what the hell did I do to deserve it? Why do I seem to be the unique person in this world... the only person that seems to actually think often of people in their past... I remember them all.. offline and online people.. camp, school, wherever I met them... I remember them well and I keep thinking about them wondering how they are doing. Some I think about more than others.. clearly those that were more important to me... but I wonder if any of them even think about me when they don't see/talk to me... probably not... no one cares about me after all... I wonder why it is that I try so hard to be a good person.. I try hard to not hurt other people.. I try hard to make people I know happy.. especially when I love them... even though they hurt me... I still care about them.. it's not fair.. it's not fair that someone who is good suffers so greatly... and it makes me believe more that there is no God... or, at the very least, God doesn't care about me at all... I have nothing in my life... I have a few possessions like PS3.. but who gives a shit about that? Especially when you have no friends, no real family (sure I have some people related to me.. but they don't care about me.. they don't talk to me.. they don't even want me around half the time...), no purpose in life... I feel really empty all the time...
The only time I ever felt completely whole was years ago... back when I had a reason to live... and now... now I have nothing... I matter to no one... I really hate my life.. I really hate that I have nothing to live for... I hate I have no friends, no family, no love... I hate that I can never make friends even when I try... I hate that all these damn people that hurt me get away with it just fine.. and no consequences happen to them.. it's not fair... I know other people have hard lives but at least they have things to be happy about... they have friends that wanna be with them or a love that wants to be with them... they have something to work for... something to live for... I have nothing... I am nothing... and the only thing I want.. the only thing I've ever sought my entire life, I can never have.. every time I try for it I always end up broken and miserable... I'd kill myself since I have nothing to live for but I'm too cowardly to even do that... the only thing that could save me... well, as I said I can't have it... I've only ever wanted real love in my life.. someone strong enough to help me when I'm down and I'd be strong and help them... trying my best to keep them happy.. I've been honest with those I've loved (as few as them as there are) that the only thing that was ever important I see was their smile.. their smiling face.. happiness.. I really wanted to provide it for them.. but who knows why their feelings so easily change.. and I get stuck with feeling the same.. and my heart hurting even more... I'm so tired of this crappy life...
For as long as I can remember I have had nothing but a shitty life... year after year at least one horrible thing happens added with all the small minor miseries... I've never told anyone my entire miserable life.. my parents don't know, my "friends" don't know, not even those I've been with know entirely because I never wanted them to know how horrible my life with and make them feel bad... but I might as well write it here... maybe it'll make me feel better... or on the off chance I do kill myself or, even better, someone kills me or I die from some other cause... than people can look here if they care (I doubt any do) and see exactly why I was looking forward to death... rather than live this horrible life.
The earliest memories I can recall are from when I was... I think 5 or so. I was at Camp Arrowhead and I really didn't want to be there but my parents always send me off somewhere to get outta their hair or something... I don't know. It's a day camp but ya, I remember riding on the bus and going by some big mushroom house and then when I got to camp I remember that they screwed up and they didn't know where to put me or anything.. being young I just remember being confused and scared and such... so basically for awhile I had to sit in some office. Skip some weeks later, they had things settled then.. I remember running around playing even if it was mostly by myself and the collapsing to the ground in pain. I think I blacked out cause the next thing I remember is waking up in some medical office with my mom there and I guess we went to a hospital and it turned out I was diagnosed with Leg Perthes. Essentially, Leg Perthes is a disease that's genetic and essentially it's when there's a problem with the hip/femur area... essentially, my femur completely disconnected from my hip. I remember having to sit in my bed for months in some device to help my leg heal. Terribly bored, terribly lonely, nothing to do... it's why my parents got cable put into my room. And that might have been a bad idea in the long run... it at least helped the boredom a bit. Of course my parents checked up and would bring food but ya.. I was mostly bored and lonely as far as I can remember, after all.. being a kid.. all I wanted to do was go and run around. Anyways, when I finally could get out of my bed I had to wear a leg brace thing for maybe.. a year if I remember correctly. I know it was at least a year, maybe 2. Anyways, I remember when I was a kid with it.. well... kids make fun of others for being different... so I was made fun of a lot... and it never stopped even when I went to new schools and didn't have that brace... having had Leg Perthes I never have had good balance cause I became too used to having to switch my weight from one leg to another.. so I don't stand still... I don't have as good balance.. and I can't run as fast as most, though I always try... even if my leg does hurt a bit.
Anyways, after my leg brace came off and I went from one school to another, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere... I never really had any friends... the friends I had were Brandon, Ryan, and Connor from up the block... and half the time they were making fun of me (well mostly connor and his sisters and such...). Justin (Ryan's brother) was really young so I didn't know him well but as years went on we became better friends. Anyways, school wasn't bad.. I always did work fairly well... and I did so well when I was younger... that my parents had me try for Allendale Columbia (a really good private school) and so I got in... but of course I didn't really fit in. Most of the kids made fun of me, like usual.. and trying to participate in games felt awkward cause I never really felt like I was really participating.. just spectating more... and an ignored spectator at that... I'm not saying it was all bad. Teachers were nice, a few of the kids acted nicer to me and were friendly but for the most part, when it comes to my school time at Allendale between 4th Grade (when I started there) to graduation as a Senior in the high school... I never felt like I fit in anywhere... I had made a few "friends" but for the most part they didn't seem to wanna hang out with me much.. I mean Peter did, but Peter kinda helped with making me lazy (though having TV/games in my room and well my own fault... accounted to that). But at least he wanted to hang out, even if we couldn't much cause he lived about 45 minutes away by car and my parents never wanted to drive me there or his parents drive him to my house.. was a real pain... And when we became friends he left Allendale the following year to the sister school. High School I felt really like I didn't fit anywhere... most didn't talk to me... most of my "friends" would do things without me and didn't even consider to invite me (be it their DnD sessions, movies, laser tag/paintball.. whatever.. though I did get to go to Laser Tag sometimes it was because I was the one who set up the event with everyone..). But ya... that's my crappy school career. I didn't fit in, I didn't really have any friends.. my grades weren't great but most of the time it was around a B average until Senior year where I just kinda.. gave up... I was too miserable between the shit going on at home, loneliness at school.. the only thing I had going for me was the reason why I didn't fail... just more in the C, D average...
When I didn't have school, well, in the winter vacations it depends. For Thanksgiving it's the same thing every year, my family and myself would go to Schenectady to visit cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmother on my father's side. Most of the time I was made fun of by my Uncle Charlie or the rest of the family...and as time went on I was always more left out of everything other than the dinner. The rest of the family wanted to watch the parade and then a lot of football and I didn't.. I wanted to watch something else, but no one else did.. so I just would go off somewhere else and play with some toy or system of my cousin's by myself... The winter breaks were no better... didn't really do much during december... sometimes would go out and sled and such with Ryan and Justin and a few others but ya... on Christmas we'd go down to my mom's side of the family where I was generally treated the same... like an outcast. Over the years it's come to the point where I just go down in the basement (cause their basement is furnished and such) and I'd just fall asleep on the couch and then they'd come get me for dinner or when we go... I just stopped caring a little more each year to try and be a part of the family.. because year after year it became more and more clear that I didn't fit in. Spring Breaks I didn't do anything really either.. maybe hang out with Jason, Ryan, or Justin.. but that was rare. As years went on Jason came over less and less because of his own life and because my brother and he and some crap... I dunno...
In the summer, my brother and I were sent to Camp Cory. Of course when I was younger I didn't wanna go and be away from home but I had fun when I was there. Even if I was stung a bit and always bothered by bugs and playing games I never wanted to.. or forced to swim when I didn't want to.. but I remember camp events like Red vs Blue Week basically the entire camp was divided into two teams and it was just fun competition events. It used to be the camp had 4 total sessions, each 2 weeks long (we were there for at least 4-6 weeks a year). My parents, being too cheap or something, to come pick us up for the weekend between sessions had us stay there.. was very lonely as no kids were there besides my brother and myself. But at least we could go in the staff lounge, eat whatever we wanted, go on the motorboat with the staff who were there and ya.. .it was fun even if really scarey and lonely when it was night time. As time went on the camp went from 4 sessions a summer to 8 with each session being a week long. This meant that more people stayed over the weekends so it wasn't as lonely but it was far more boring since we couldn't do anything as fun as when it was just my brother and myself and there weren't really well planned things like during the sessions. When camp was in session I was usually in the sailing village from the age of 12-16. I loved sailing.. I kept asking my parents to get a small sailing boat cause I wanted to sail more than at camp but oh well... whether it was the actual session or inbetween.. well.. I was still generally an outcast. Barely anyone really wanted to talk to me... the one who did was Liz.. she is easily the first person I ever felt real love for. Sure I found some girls attractive but I never even cared to really know them or anything but Liz well... she was sweet, pretty, fun to talk to, and ya.. but of course I kept my mouth shut being shy and all.. but I'm sure she had a feeling.. but ya nothing really went on.. she was with other guys and such and oh well... I hated some of the camp events.. like the dance... the dances were annoying because not only did I usually hate the music.. but I of course was made to realize how lonely I was.. no one wanted to dance with me... the few who asked were obviously joking around or something (either cause they were guys who were sorta my friends.. but not real friends.. or just girls being cruel and daring the other to ask me or something.. I dunno...). I always tried to leave but of course the stupid counselors wouldn't let me... A lot of the counselors bothered me.. some were nice and funny, but most were just jerks.. some campers make fun of me, and I can accept that, but counselors as well? That's just not cool.. making fun of my clothes or how I look or whatever.. this is why I just wear plain colored clothes with no stripes, no writings, no images, just a monotone color... and then some sorta shorts khakis or whatnot... because I got made fun of so much that I just felt uncomfortable wearing anything that I could see being made fun of for wearing...
Anyways, most of my time when I wasn't at school and I wasn't at camp was on the computer.. browsing RPG Maker sites or anime sites and the like.. or playing a game.. I really looked to games as my only source of happiness.. they really ever were.. even when they were frustrating me cause of a glitch or some really cheap luck or whatever it may be... I always could escape in games. Especially with the Final Fantasy games... Final Fantasy was the first game I played where, even if I wasn't the hero, at least I felt like I mattered.. it was nice to take place as part of the hero and having people around you that actually valued you.. that actually wanted you around.. that actually found you important... it's also why I got into anime too.. a lot of anime had that... and it wasn't cheesy crap like most american tv stuff.. and they had plots.. with rich characters and development.. I really enjoyed it. They were my only escapes from a lonely life... until I thought I finally had a reason to live... someone who loved me and cared about me... I'll just get to that later.
Anyways, so that's usually how the years went... there were various fights between my brother and myself, between parents and children, etc... Kept having to deal with my cats dying... most of the were strays we took in cause well.. we just liked them and such.. but they kept getting hit by cars or something.. it really made me sad to see all the pets I loved die off way before they should have like the first 3 cats I remember.. they died cause they were really old, but the others all died young... And then having to deal with my parents and their divorce... I didn't really care too much cause I never felt a part of the family anyways.. always told to shut up when I tried to talk and enter a conversation.. everytime I tried to get some family activity together (monopoly or whatever) my dad was "too tired" (which is fair cause he works all day and usually took care of the house when he got home) and my mom was "too tired" even though all she was doing was drinking her wine and looking at coupons and magazines.. (though she did work in Ohio during the week and came home every weekend so that is a long drive but still...).. I just didn't feel like it mattered much.. but it was a bit nerve wrecking and sad... because of their stupid divorce the room I became comfortable with.. the room I vented all my frustration and rage in (which is why it had holes in the wall...) the room I grew up in.. the house I was happy in.. I couldn't be there ever again... I have to go from my mom's house where I was forced to deal with Lee who was trying to act like my dad even though he never met me before... where I couldn't use the internet, play any games really.. talk to Esther... and then with my Dad in his small apartment (which is a new one now, bigger and my own room which is nice but still... it's not my old room...)... If it wasn't for having Esther I might have just killed myself at that point in my life... parents divorcing.. no friends really.. Ryan and I grew distant at this point.. mostly cause he wanted to do things I didn't (a lot of hockey or whatnot) and because I basically ignored him a lot cause I wanted to talk to Esther more and more and ya.. I blame myself really.. it's my fault we aren't as good friends as we were... Justin got his license and would drive to my mom's when he could but he had work and ya... but ya.. my college wasn't going well cause I wasn't really happy at Clarkson.. didn't really have friends there either... they all were doing their thing and never invited me along anywhere... and I didn't make it to class due to over sleeping (cause I played FFXI too late.. .prolly played it so much cause at least I felt needed in the game...) or because it was too cold I didn't wanna even go outside... and I wasn't even sure about my major...
But at least I had Esther at the time so I was more than happy cause I felt like I had a reason to live.. someone to live for.. someone who helped me and kept me happy.. until she well.. until 2006 when she kept getting more distant.. kept wanting to go out more and more (which is fine if it wasn't for I knew some of her friends were less than great.. doing drugs, drinking.. and ya.. some had a crush on her) and then basicall starting to act different... and then she broke up with me.. and after that claimed to cheat on me and ya.. just more pain and misery in my life... I really kinda wish I had just killed myself then.. I still don't know why exactly she broke up with me or why her feelings changed.. but of course I feel the same.. even if I don't trust her anymore... and the misery still goes on.. and the hole in my heart larger than before.. and then eventually I met Lucky.. who I felt something for and eventually, it turned out, she said she felt something for me but didn't want a relationship for now.. and that was fine... We did talk a lot at first getting to know each other and then it twindled a bit.. we still talked quite a bit but I guess the dwindling was enough for her feelings to change... which really bothers me and it's not even fair.. didn't even get to have a real relationship and now there's never going to even be a chance.. and the feelings change for something so stupid? I really think she does have problems though.. she's never really been in a real relationship from what she's told me.. and I dunno.. she seems to have her own problems that she doesn't even realize.. but to change just cause I have very poor social skills? And these poor social skills BECAUSE of a shitty life where everyone is constantly ignoring me.. telling me to shut up... or ya...
I really hate my life.. I know I'm not the only one with a bad life, I don't pretend like I am.. but everyone around me seems happy.. everyone else has something to live for... my mother has Lee (and I guess matt and myself..). My dad has my brother and me (it's pretty much the last thing keeping me alive at this point... but it's not really gonna last... specially as things continue to get worse). Justin has well.. tons of friends and always telling me about all these girls interested in him... and a job and family and well... ya... Shawn has his family.. Will has his family, has a job at least, and has friends that hang out and do stuff with him... Stephen has Kat and various friends who will go out with him, play DnD with him, etc... My brother has a good job and a dream he's really capable of accomplishing... and tons of girls who always seem interested.. I'm sure Esther has someone by now... someone else.. and I'm sure she broke her word again (she never keeps her word) and stopped her whole "waiting for marriage" thing that I tried to respect (this is assuming she really didn't cheat on me). This other girl I met in TF2, Heidi, she claims she has no friends but that's bs.. she has her "groupie" online at least.. a few close people that she talks to a lot.. she has 3 guys in love with her, two that asked her for marriage... and ya... what do I have? I have sitting here.. at my computer.. browsing.. playing games trying to forget who I am.. what my life has been... I have my playstation.. my TV... my dream that'll never come true... and loneliness... no one who really talks to me much. Some talk to me now and then, it's nice to talk to them.. but I dunno.. I just don't feel close to anyone anymore.. I'm pretty sure I don't matter much to anyone anymore... I know I don't matter to myself anymore...
Hehe.. wrote a lot.. and I haven't even really given everything still.. there's tons more but.. meh.. at least I got this out... I'm just gonna lay down... I really wish I'd fall asleep one day and never wake up... No matter how good I am.. no matter how hard I try... no matter how hard I work... there's only one thing for me... one constant in my life.. utter and complete loneliness... I'll never have a person who loves me.. I'll never have anyone strong enough who wants to try and help me out of this misery.. no one... nothing... so why do I live. why do I exist?
The only time I ever felt completely whole was years ago... back when I had a reason to live... and now... now I have nothing... I matter to no one... I really hate my life.. I really hate that I have nothing to live for... I hate I have no friends, no family, no love... I hate that I can never make friends even when I try... I hate that all these damn people that hurt me get away with it just fine.. and no consequences happen to them.. it's not fair... I know other people have hard lives but at least they have things to be happy about... they have friends that wanna be with them or a love that wants to be with them... they have something to work for... something to live for... I have nothing... I am nothing... and the only thing I want.. the only thing I've ever sought my entire life, I can never have.. every time I try for it I always end up broken and miserable... I'd kill myself since I have nothing to live for but I'm too cowardly to even do that... the only thing that could save me... well, as I said I can't have it... I've only ever wanted real love in my life.. someone strong enough to help me when I'm down and I'd be strong and help them... trying my best to keep them happy.. I've been honest with those I've loved (as few as them as there are) that the only thing that was ever important I see was their smile.. their smiling face.. happiness.. I really wanted to provide it for them.. but who knows why their feelings so easily change.. and I get stuck with feeling the same.. and my heart hurting even more... I'm so tired of this crappy life...
For as long as I can remember I have had nothing but a shitty life... year after year at least one horrible thing happens added with all the small minor miseries... I've never told anyone my entire miserable life.. my parents don't know, my "friends" don't know, not even those I've been with know entirely because I never wanted them to know how horrible my life with and make them feel bad... but I might as well write it here... maybe it'll make me feel better... or on the off chance I do kill myself or, even better, someone kills me or I die from some other cause... than people can look here if they care (I doubt any do) and see exactly why I was looking forward to death... rather than live this horrible life.
The earliest memories I can recall are from when I was... I think 5 or so. I was at Camp Arrowhead and I really didn't want to be there but my parents always send me off somewhere to get outta their hair or something... I don't know. It's a day camp but ya, I remember riding on the bus and going by some big mushroom house and then when I got to camp I remember that they screwed up and they didn't know where to put me or anything.. being young I just remember being confused and scared and such... so basically for awhile I had to sit in some office. Skip some weeks later, they had things settled then.. I remember running around playing even if it was mostly by myself and the collapsing to the ground in pain. I think I blacked out cause the next thing I remember is waking up in some medical office with my mom there and I guess we went to a hospital and it turned out I was diagnosed with Leg Perthes. Essentially, Leg Perthes is a disease that's genetic and essentially it's when there's a problem with the hip/femur area... essentially, my femur completely disconnected from my hip. I remember having to sit in my bed for months in some device to help my leg heal. Terribly bored, terribly lonely, nothing to do... it's why my parents got cable put into my room. And that might have been a bad idea in the long run... it at least helped the boredom a bit. Of course my parents checked up and would bring food but ya.. I was mostly bored and lonely as far as I can remember, after all.. being a kid.. all I wanted to do was go and run around. Anyways, when I finally could get out of my bed I had to wear a leg brace thing for maybe.. a year if I remember correctly. I know it was at least a year, maybe 2. Anyways, I remember when I was a kid with it.. well... kids make fun of others for being different... so I was made fun of a lot... and it never stopped even when I went to new schools and didn't have that brace... having had Leg Perthes I never have had good balance cause I became too used to having to switch my weight from one leg to another.. so I don't stand still... I don't have as good balance.. and I can't run as fast as most, though I always try... even if my leg does hurt a bit.
Anyways, after my leg brace came off and I went from one school to another, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere... I never really had any friends... the friends I had were Brandon, Ryan, and Connor from up the block... and half the time they were making fun of me (well mostly connor and his sisters and such...). Justin (Ryan's brother) was really young so I didn't know him well but as years went on we became better friends. Anyways, school wasn't bad.. I always did work fairly well... and I did so well when I was younger... that my parents had me try for Allendale Columbia (a really good private school) and so I got in... but of course I didn't really fit in. Most of the kids made fun of me, like usual.. and trying to participate in games felt awkward cause I never really felt like I was really participating.. just spectating more... and an ignored spectator at that... I'm not saying it was all bad. Teachers were nice, a few of the kids acted nicer to me and were friendly but for the most part, when it comes to my school time at Allendale between 4th Grade (when I started there) to graduation as a Senior in the high school... I never felt like I fit in anywhere... I had made a few "friends" but for the most part they didn't seem to wanna hang out with me much.. I mean Peter did, but Peter kinda helped with making me lazy (though having TV/games in my room and well my own fault... accounted to that). But at least he wanted to hang out, even if we couldn't much cause he lived about 45 minutes away by car and my parents never wanted to drive me there or his parents drive him to my house.. was a real pain... And when we became friends he left Allendale the following year to the sister school. High School I felt really like I didn't fit anywhere... most didn't talk to me... most of my "friends" would do things without me and didn't even consider to invite me (be it their DnD sessions, movies, laser tag/paintball.. whatever.. though I did get to go to Laser Tag sometimes it was because I was the one who set up the event with everyone..). But ya... that's my crappy school career. I didn't fit in, I didn't really have any friends.. my grades weren't great but most of the time it was around a B average until Senior year where I just kinda.. gave up... I was too miserable between the shit going on at home, loneliness at school.. the only thing I had going for me was the reason why I didn't fail... just more in the C, D average...
When I didn't have school, well, in the winter vacations it depends. For Thanksgiving it's the same thing every year, my family and myself would go to Schenectady to visit cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmother on my father's side. Most of the time I was made fun of by my Uncle Charlie or the rest of the family...and as time went on I was always more left out of everything other than the dinner. The rest of the family wanted to watch the parade and then a lot of football and I didn't.. I wanted to watch something else, but no one else did.. so I just would go off somewhere else and play with some toy or system of my cousin's by myself... The winter breaks were no better... didn't really do much during december... sometimes would go out and sled and such with Ryan and Justin and a few others but ya... on Christmas we'd go down to my mom's side of the family where I was generally treated the same... like an outcast. Over the years it's come to the point where I just go down in the basement (cause their basement is furnished and such) and I'd just fall asleep on the couch and then they'd come get me for dinner or when we go... I just stopped caring a little more each year to try and be a part of the family.. because year after year it became more and more clear that I didn't fit in. Spring Breaks I didn't do anything really either.. maybe hang out with Jason, Ryan, or Justin.. but that was rare. As years went on Jason came over less and less because of his own life and because my brother and he and some crap... I dunno...
In the summer, my brother and I were sent to Camp Cory. Of course when I was younger I didn't wanna go and be away from home but I had fun when I was there. Even if I was stung a bit and always bothered by bugs and playing games I never wanted to.. or forced to swim when I didn't want to.. but I remember camp events like Red vs Blue Week basically the entire camp was divided into two teams and it was just fun competition events. It used to be the camp had 4 total sessions, each 2 weeks long (we were there for at least 4-6 weeks a year). My parents, being too cheap or something, to come pick us up for the weekend between sessions had us stay there.. was very lonely as no kids were there besides my brother and myself. But at least we could go in the staff lounge, eat whatever we wanted, go on the motorboat with the staff who were there and ya.. .it was fun even if really scarey and lonely when it was night time. As time went on the camp went from 4 sessions a summer to 8 with each session being a week long. This meant that more people stayed over the weekends so it wasn't as lonely but it was far more boring since we couldn't do anything as fun as when it was just my brother and myself and there weren't really well planned things like during the sessions. When camp was in session I was usually in the sailing village from the age of 12-16. I loved sailing.. I kept asking my parents to get a small sailing boat cause I wanted to sail more than at camp but oh well... whether it was the actual session or inbetween.. well.. I was still generally an outcast. Barely anyone really wanted to talk to me... the one who did was Liz.. she is easily the first person I ever felt real love for. Sure I found some girls attractive but I never even cared to really know them or anything but Liz well... she was sweet, pretty, fun to talk to, and ya.. but of course I kept my mouth shut being shy and all.. but I'm sure she had a feeling.. but ya nothing really went on.. she was with other guys and such and oh well... I hated some of the camp events.. like the dance... the dances were annoying because not only did I usually hate the music.. but I of course was made to realize how lonely I was.. no one wanted to dance with me... the few who asked were obviously joking around or something (either cause they were guys who were sorta my friends.. but not real friends.. or just girls being cruel and daring the other to ask me or something.. I dunno...). I always tried to leave but of course the stupid counselors wouldn't let me... A lot of the counselors bothered me.. some were nice and funny, but most were just jerks.. some campers make fun of me, and I can accept that, but counselors as well? That's just not cool.. making fun of my clothes or how I look or whatever.. this is why I just wear plain colored clothes with no stripes, no writings, no images, just a monotone color... and then some sorta shorts khakis or whatnot... because I got made fun of so much that I just felt uncomfortable wearing anything that I could see being made fun of for wearing...
Anyways, most of my time when I wasn't at school and I wasn't at camp was on the computer.. browsing RPG Maker sites or anime sites and the like.. or playing a game.. I really looked to games as my only source of happiness.. they really ever were.. even when they were frustrating me cause of a glitch or some really cheap luck or whatever it may be... I always could escape in games. Especially with the Final Fantasy games... Final Fantasy was the first game I played where, even if I wasn't the hero, at least I felt like I mattered.. it was nice to take place as part of the hero and having people around you that actually valued you.. that actually wanted you around.. that actually found you important... it's also why I got into anime too.. a lot of anime had that... and it wasn't cheesy crap like most american tv stuff.. and they had plots.. with rich characters and development.. I really enjoyed it. They were my only escapes from a lonely life... until I thought I finally had a reason to live... someone who loved me and cared about me... I'll just get to that later.
Anyways, so that's usually how the years went... there were various fights between my brother and myself, between parents and children, etc... Kept having to deal with my cats dying... most of the were strays we took in cause well.. we just liked them and such.. but they kept getting hit by cars or something.. it really made me sad to see all the pets I loved die off way before they should have like the first 3 cats I remember.. they died cause they were really old, but the others all died young... And then having to deal with my parents and their divorce... I didn't really care too much cause I never felt a part of the family anyways.. always told to shut up when I tried to talk and enter a conversation.. everytime I tried to get some family activity together (monopoly or whatever) my dad was "too tired" (which is fair cause he works all day and usually took care of the house when he got home) and my mom was "too tired" even though all she was doing was drinking her wine and looking at coupons and magazines.. (though she did work in Ohio during the week and came home every weekend so that is a long drive but still...).. I just didn't feel like it mattered much.. but it was a bit nerve wrecking and sad... because of their stupid divorce the room I became comfortable with.. the room I vented all my frustration and rage in (which is why it had holes in the wall...) the room I grew up in.. the house I was happy in.. I couldn't be there ever again... I have to go from my mom's house where I was forced to deal with Lee who was trying to act like my dad even though he never met me before... where I couldn't use the internet, play any games really.. talk to Esther... and then with my Dad in his small apartment (which is a new one now, bigger and my own room which is nice but still... it's not my old room...)... If it wasn't for having Esther I might have just killed myself at that point in my life... parents divorcing.. no friends really.. Ryan and I grew distant at this point.. mostly cause he wanted to do things I didn't (a lot of hockey or whatnot) and because I basically ignored him a lot cause I wanted to talk to Esther more and more and ya.. I blame myself really.. it's my fault we aren't as good friends as we were... Justin got his license and would drive to my mom's when he could but he had work and ya... but ya.. my college wasn't going well cause I wasn't really happy at Clarkson.. didn't really have friends there either... they all were doing their thing and never invited me along anywhere... and I didn't make it to class due to over sleeping (cause I played FFXI too late.. .prolly played it so much cause at least I felt needed in the game...) or because it was too cold I didn't wanna even go outside... and I wasn't even sure about my major...
But at least I had Esther at the time so I was more than happy cause I felt like I had a reason to live.. someone to live for.. someone who helped me and kept me happy.. until she well.. until 2006 when she kept getting more distant.. kept wanting to go out more and more (which is fine if it wasn't for I knew some of her friends were less than great.. doing drugs, drinking.. and ya.. some had a crush on her) and then basicall starting to act different... and then she broke up with me.. and after that claimed to cheat on me and ya.. just more pain and misery in my life... I really kinda wish I had just killed myself then.. I still don't know why exactly she broke up with me or why her feelings changed.. but of course I feel the same.. even if I don't trust her anymore... and the misery still goes on.. and the hole in my heart larger than before.. and then eventually I met Lucky.. who I felt something for and eventually, it turned out, she said she felt something for me but didn't want a relationship for now.. and that was fine... We did talk a lot at first getting to know each other and then it twindled a bit.. we still talked quite a bit but I guess the dwindling was enough for her feelings to change... which really bothers me and it's not even fair.. didn't even get to have a real relationship and now there's never going to even be a chance.. and the feelings change for something so stupid? I really think she does have problems though.. she's never really been in a real relationship from what she's told me.. and I dunno.. she seems to have her own problems that she doesn't even realize.. but to change just cause I have very poor social skills? And these poor social skills BECAUSE of a shitty life where everyone is constantly ignoring me.. telling me to shut up... or ya...
I really hate my life.. I know I'm not the only one with a bad life, I don't pretend like I am.. but everyone around me seems happy.. everyone else has something to live for... my mother has Lee (and I guess matt and myself..). My dad has my brother and me (it's pretty much the last thing keeping me alive at this point... but it's not really gonna last... specially as things continue to get worse). Justin has well.. tons of friends and always telling me about all these girls interested in him... and a job and family and well... ya... Shawn has his family.. Will has his family, has a job at least, and has friends that hang out and do stuff with him... Stephen has Kat and various friends who will go out with him, play DnD with him, etc... My brother has a good job and a dream he's really capable of accomplishing... and tons of girls who always seem interested.. I'm sure Esther has someone by now... someone else.. and I'm sure she broke her word again (she never keeps her word) and stopped her whole "waiting for marriage" thing that I tried to respect (this is assuming she really didn't cheat on me). This other girl I met in TF2, Heidi, she claims she has no friends but that's bs.. she has her "groupie" online at least.. a few close people that she talks to a lot.. she has 3 guys in love with her, two that asked her for marriage... and ya... what do I have? I have sitting here.. at my computer.. browsing.. playing games trying to forget who I am.. what my life has been... I have my playstation.. my TV... my dream that'll never come true... and loneliness... no one who really talks to me much. Some talk to me now and then, it's nice to talk to them.. but I dunno.. I just don't feel close to anyone anymore.. I'm pretty sure I don't matter much to anyone anymore... I know I don't matter to myself anymore...
Hehe.. wrote a lot.. and I haven't even really given everything still.. there's tons more but.. meh.. at least I got this out... I'm just gonna lay down... I really wish I'd fall asleep one day and never wake up... No matter how good I am.. no matter how hard I try... no matter how hard I work... there's only one thing for me... one constant in my life.. utter and complete loneliness... I'll never have a person who loves me.. I'll never have anyone strong enough who wants to try and help me out of this misery.. no one... nothing... so why do I live. why do I exist?