Jul 11, 2005 00:56
It was July 11th, 1807.
Tensions had been mounting between longtime pals France and Germany.
Numerous factors had been contributing to this tension, such as the Defenestration of Prague, the Menstruation of Athens, and frequent arguments over who would have to change the diapers of the infant United States.
France and Germany were long accustomed to settling such disagreements in friendly fashion... a snide remark here, a humorous anecdote there, and general Hilarity would ensue.
However, for reasons that we will not relate in detail, [but suffice to say that they involved a flat tire, a wrench shaped dog biscuit, and three mostly unconscious snails], Hilarity's car was in the shop and he simply couldn't make it to the summit in time.
And so, for the first time since the Great Schism, Disparity ensued.
Germany rallied an army of forty thousand men, but due to the untimely discovery that most of their army jeeps did not, in fact, have a middle front seat, they were able to mobilize only thirty five thousand of them. [In an interesting side note, the rest of the army was told to "wing it," and a grave miscommunication led to all five thousand of them being ordered to simultaneously jump off a very high cliff and flap their arms "like mad." They all landed just outside the town of Sigguneng Thudd, and thus [somehow] one of the longest standing idioms in the history of the English language, or for that matter, any language at all, was created. Right.]
In any case, thirty five grand was still a force to be reckoned with, especially compared to the French Army. The yellow-uniformed group, which fancied themselves "Le Squadrone de Muerte," consisted of a meager forty-six members, fourteen of which needed to return home to lie naked in their gardens on alternate wednesdays, for religious reasons. While they were still at headquarters, debating who would get to drive the coach bus, the German army rolled right over most of France and lay siege to the outer walls of Paris. The citizens of Paris, cut off from all food sources for several weeks, were reduced to eating dogs, and cats, and eventually zoo animals. The entire populace eventually starved to death, unnoticed by the German soldiers.
Finally, in a dramatic conclusion to a war that, in the words of General Gohhnadsenstreiff, "rivaled my marriage in both length and gore," the German troops invaded Paris, only to find that the city had been empty for months. As the soldiers realized their oversight, an otherworldly taxi screeched onto the scene, from which a very flustered Hilarity emerged. The German soldiers all enjoyed a good laugh over the whole to-do, and even the French, their dire enemies but an hour ago, joined them for a pint of lager. And the world once again, was a happy place.
This has been This Date In History. Thanks for joining me.