Co-dependent
I thought about things last night and realized at the route of most of my desires/wishes is to ESCAPE from my family.
I have these dreams where I'm mad at my family and DESPERATE to get away from them. Hide from them.
I think I have them less now that I have Jack. I don't know why.
I think my desire to get my book published is involved with this wish. I'll get my book published, get lots of money, make new friends, etc. I'll find people who appreciate me. I'll leave my family behind.
My wish for a romantic relationship was connected to it. I wanted a man to be my prince. Rescue me from my family.
If my wish was simple, the solution would be simple. Well, if I didn't have Jack. I could just pick up and move. Find a job. Be independent. Never see my family again.
But as much as I want to escape, I emotionally can't.
I feel guilty if I get too far way.
I worry too much about what they think of me.
I feel guilty for not spending enough time with them.
I went to a psychologist once who tried to get me to realize my family was TOO close. I thought she was nuts, but maybe she had a point.
Outsiders are usually amazed by my family. We are super close. We all live in the same city...or cities right next to each other. We see each other on a regular basis. Some of us are very vocal about family being the most important thing in the world.
But it can be suffocating at times.
It can be hard to find yourself in a family that's so close. Especially if you're the black sheep.
What do I feel?
I feel I'm loved because I'm part of the family. I'm their daughter. I'm their sister. I'm part of a bond that can't be broken.
But I don't feel I'm loved for being me.
I feel tolerated.
And humored.
Not admired or respected.
I want them to think. "We love Dina because she's smart, funny, interesting to be around....talented. Nice, etc."
Not: "Dina is weird. She's not like us. She's moody. Difficult. Too weird. Too negative. But we love her anyway. She's part of our family."
I have these dreams where I'm mad at my family and DESPERATE to get away from them. Hide from them.
I think I have them less now that I have Jack. I don't know why.
I think my desire to get my book published is involved with this wish. I'll get my book published, get lots of money, make new friends, etc. I'll find people who appreciate me. I'll leave my family behind.
My wish for a romantic relationship was connected to it. I wanted a man to be my prince. Rescue me from my family.
If my wish was simple, the solution would be simple. Well, if I didn't have Jack. I could just pick up and move. Find a job. Be independent. Never see my family again.
But as much as I want to escape, I emotionally can't.
I feel guilty if I get too far way.
I worry too much about what they think of me.
I feel guilty for not spending enough time with them.
I went to a psychologist once who tried to get me to realize my family was TOO close. I thought she was nuts, but maybe she had a point.
Outsiders are usually amazed by my family. We are super close. We all live in the same city...or cities right next to each other. We see each other on a regular basis. Some of us are very vocal about family being the most important thing in the world.
But it can be suffocating at times.
It can be hard to find yourself in a family that's so close. Especially if you're the black sheep.
What do I feel?
I feel I'm loved because I'm part of the family. I'm their daughter. I'm their sister. I'm part of a bond that can't be broken.
But I don't feel I'm loved for being me.
I feel tolerated.
And humored.
Not admired or respected.
I want them to think. "We love Dina because she's smart, funny, interesting to be around....talented. Nice, etc."
Not: "Dina is weird. She's not like us. She's moody. Difficult. Too weird. Too negative. But we love her anyway. She's part of our family."