(no subject)
It's funny how you never know life is happening to you. In fact, I used to think I was happening to life, when it is clearly much the opposite. I was wandering around doing odds and ends around my apartment when it hit me; I am nothing like myself from even a few years ago.
The thought hit me as I looked at my life. I'm sitting here listening to a playlist comprised of You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and Hold the Line by Toto. Not exactly brooding or contemplative. However, I have no idea what is going on in my life at all. No clue, really. I could lose my job at any moment. A few years ago, this would have been a huge emotional blow, and even now it would leave me with bills to pay and no income. Even weirder, I don't even care if I were to lose me job. I'll make ends meet. This isn't what I want to do anyway. So on and so forth. But I have no idea where I am going in life. I know I don't want to be here, and I am looking into new jobs and even getting a doctorate. Either probably means moving out of state. The mere thought of moving was paralyzingly scary. I was done with college and being poor and scraping by. I have a girlfriend who I am falling more and more for, despite the fact that she really hurt me in the beginning and in a way I had promised myself I would never, ever forget. And I am still pursuing this even though I might be moving and she likely will too after graduation. I had it drilled into my head that you need to know what you're doing and have a plan and make that work. I am only worried about the short term and aiming myself in the right direction. Now I accept shit happens and you have to roll with it. I could never have coped with where I am in my life a couple years ago.
It was what I came to on the drive home from eating. I sat there thinking about so many people I knew, even my parents, who expect the same of you as they always did. This is alright if you weren't bipolar. Now I do realize I probably beat myself up for the way I acted and probably blame way too much on it. However, there are lasting effects on relationships with people. I think my dad is the best example. I cannot transition to the father son friendship we have because of it. He is so used to me shooting in different directions so strongly at random that he just plays devil's advocate with everything I do. He treats everything as though I were about to blow up or I need calmed down. Just a damper on all things. It's pretty sad to me, and it really gets to me after how much I love him and tried to be like him. But it's common with most people I know. They expect you to be the same, and you're not.
You always see those movies where people suddenly "wake up" and see their life for how it is. That's not how it works. It's more like sleep paralysis. You suddenly realize it, but you can't stop it. You have to work and struggle with it. You eventually start to wake up, and you see things were so different than you'd dreamed. You always worry you could slip into that dream again and question whether you are out of it at all.
I've been open with it since I found out. Probably too open. I feel terrible because I will never believe it didn't bite most people I know at some point. Maybe that's got something to do with it. I just don't feel like it should be something to hide, as well. Though, it is hard sometimes as some people don't get it. I think it's that many people don't understand what it is, and when you finally explain, they suddenly discount any emotion you have. Although people don't realize it, they think that you should be able to tell when you're having some mood swing and just be able to ignore it. It isn't that easy, and they forget that (for instance) being pissed off affects your thinking. Put differently, have you ever been pissed off and decided that the anger you felt wasn't real nor legitimate? Like it wasn't worthy of a real emotion? No. Every person on this earth does not have a separate mind for emotions and rational thought. It is not so easy to simply say, "I shouldn't be sad," because you are sad. You think that doesn't weigh on your decision making? It's like if I told you that you that the black pen in front of you was white. No matter how hard you tried, even if I were right, the pen would never change colors. And it isn't that simple. What if you could never truly know what color the pen was? All you can do is take a pill every day that will make the colors in front of you stop changing. However, this isn't just pens to me. This is the ability to have and maintain relationships with people and not hurt them.
I guess at some point you just accept, "This is me, and this is my life. What if this is as good as it gets? Since I don't get a choice, I'll just try as hard as I can. I'll be happy with what I get because it's the best I could have gotten." Bad explanation but it will do.
I am just amazed at what the fuck has happened in my mind in the last few years, and I am so happy, so thankful that it has. And once again, I made no bid deal into a gigantic wall o text.
Also I had a dream a week or so ago. I was riding a bicycle around which kept turning into a motorcycle and back. At one point I was suddenly on it backwards. I then had an odd sexual encounter with Rachael. Lastly (and most importantly) I walked into a house with old brown carpet and stair rails like my parents'. It felt like the Sloan's, though it looked nothing like it. It had a couch on the right, and a TV on the left. Jeff was sitting around with his dad, but his dad was James Earl Jones sitting on an old couch on the right. James Earl Jones was wearing jorts and a faded t-shirt. No one seemed to think this was a big deal at all. The middle of the room was sunk about 6 inches. Suddenly, this part of the room was instead a staircase. This left a three foot ledge on the right and left on the level I stood. I guess it was U-shaped. It really made no sense to the point that my sleeping mind started to go "what the fuck is THIS?" and I woke up.
And I am very disappointed with my sleeping mind. I was practicing three tests to see that I am awake so that I can try to lucid dream. I had a dream where I passed all three. I read my wristband correctly, my fingers didnt go through each other when I pressed them together, and when I looked around, I was in bed and everything was as it should be. It was morning as I expected. I knew this was a dream when I really woke up, though. This is because when I had the false awakening I woke up in my old room at my parents'. Sure everything was in its place... if I still lived there.
Stupid tricksy brain.
The thought hit me as I looked at my life. I'm sitting here listening to a playlist comprised of You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and Hold the Line by Toto. Not exactly brooding or contemplative. However, I have no idea what is going on in my life at all. No clue, really. I could lose my job at any moment. A few years ago, this would have been a huge emotional blow, and even now it would leave me with bills to pay and no income. Even weirder, I don't even care if I were to lose me job. I'll make ends meet. This isn't what I want to do anyway. So on and so forth. But I have no idea where I am going in life. I know I don't want to be here, and I am looking into new jobs and even getting a doctorate. Either probably means moving out of state. The mere thought of moving was paralyzingly scary. I was done with college and being poor and scraping by. I have a girlfriend who I am falling more and more for, despite the fact that she really hurt me in the beginning and in a way I had promised myself I would never, ever forget. And I am still pursuing this even though I might be moving and she likely will too after graduation. I had it drilled into my head that you need to know what you're doing and have a plan and make that work. I am only worried about the short term and aiming myself in the right direction. Now I accept shit happens and you have to roll with it. I could never have coped with where I am in my life a couple years ago.
It was what I came to on the drive home from eating. I sat there thinking about so many people I knew, even my parents, who expect the same of you as they always did. This is alright if you weren't bipolar. Now I do realize I probably beat myself up for the way I acted and probably blame way too much on it. However, there are lasting effects on relationships with people. I think my dad is the best example. I cannot transition to the father son friendship we have because of it. He is so used to me shooting in different directions so strongly at random that he just plays devil's advocate with everything I do. He treats everything as though I were about to blow up or I need calmed down. Just a damper on all things. It's pretty sad to me, and it really gets to me after how much I love him and tried to be like him. But it's common with most people I know. They expect you to be the same, and you're not.
You always see those movies where people suddenly "wake up" and see their life for how it is. That's not how it works. It's more like sleep paralysis. You suddenly realize it, but you can't stop it. You have to work and struggle with it. You eventually start to wake up, and you see things were so different than you'd dreamed. You always worry you could slip into that dream again and question whether you are out of it at all.
I've been open with it since I found out. Probably too open. I feel terrible because I will never believe it didn't bite most people I know at some point. Maybe that's got something to do with it. I just don't feel like it should be something to hide, as well. Though, it is hard sometimes as some people don't get it. I think it's that many people don't understand what it is, and when you finally explain, they suddenly discount any emotion you have. Although people don't realize it, they think that you should be able to tell when you're having some mood swing and just be able to ignore it. It isn't that easy, and they forget that (for instance) being pissed off affects your thinking. Put differently, have you ever been pissed off and decided that the anger you felt wasn't real nor legitimate? Like it wasn't worthy of a real emotion? No. Every person on this earth does not have a separate mind for emotions and rational thought. It is not so easy to simply say, "I shouldn't be sad," because you are sad. You think that doesn't weigh on your decision making? It's like if I told you that you that the black pen in front of you was white. No matter how hard you tried, even if I were right, the pen would never change colors. And it isn't that simple. What if you could never truly know what color the pen was? All you can do is take a pill every day that will make the colors in front of you stop changing. However, this isn't just pens to me. This is the ability to have and maintain relationships with people and not hurt them.
I guess at some point you just accept, "This is me, and this is my life. What if this is as good as it gets? Since I don't get a choice, I'll just try as hard as I can. I'll be happy with what I get because it's the best I could have gotten." Bad explanation but it will do.
I am just amazed at what the fuck has happened in my mind in the last few years, and I am so happy, so thankful that it has. And once again, I made no bid deal into a gigantic wall o text.
Also I had a dream a week or so ago. I was riding a bicycle around which kept turning into a motorcycle and back. At one point I was suddenly on it backwards. I then had an odd sexual encounter with Rachael. Lastly (and most importantly) I walked into a house with old brown carpet and stair rails like my parents'. It felt like the Sloan's, though it looked nothing like it. It had a couch on the right, and a TV on the left. Jeff was sitting around with his dad, but his dad was James Earl Jones sitting on an old couch on the right. James Earl Jones was wearing jorts and a faded t-shirt. No one seemed to think this was a big deal at all. The middle of the room was sunk about 6 inches. Suddenly, this part of the room was instead a staircase. This left a three foot ledge on the right and left on the level I stood. I guess it was U-shaped. It really made no sense to the point that my sleeping mind started to go "what the fuck is THIS?" and I woke up.
And I am very disappointed with my sleeping mind. I was practicing three tests to see that I am awake so that I can try to lucid dream. I had a dream where I passed all three. I read my wristband correctly, my fingers didnt go through each other when I pressed them together, and when I looked around, I was in bed and everything was as it should be. It was morning as I expected. I knew this was a dream when I really woke up, though. This is because when I had the false awakening I woke up in my old room at my parents'. Sure everything was in its place... if I still lived there.
Stupid tricksy brain.