(no subject)
you never really appreciate the slow times in life until the shit hits the fan. i just cant imagine tha this happens to everyone regularly like this. i dont see it. i have to find a new place to live and may be losing my job soon. and i hate my job, im pretty sure. maybe i just worry too much. well, i am sure i do that. but is that all it is? i dont know. i just feel like i have these life meltdowns almost yearly and i am just so tired. maybe it's just tonight. maybe i just need sleep. but i feel like breaking down and crying. i feel like drinking myself to death. except there is nothing to stop me, and i wont give up. eventually you look around the room and realize youre alone. you arent living because someone told you to. i just wont give up. it's strange how ive become this person. so headstrong. so calm. i always felt like i aspired to be it and never would. but i am.
but i am pretty sure i hate my job. i am not sure which is worse, that i cant be sure or that i hate my job. i found myself making an outline of the reasons to hate my job. what i found is that the pay is nowhere near it should be, i am yelled at and mistreated, and i am not doing work i enjoy (in fact i go out of my way to do anything else but my job anymore). and while i dont know if it would ever be better anywhere else, i do know at least i'd be paid for it. and i'd know that's it. this is as good as it gets. and that would be okay. I am getting to the point where i am not sure if all the money in the world is enough to make me happy here. it's just as likely that instead of being completely wrong and this being a good job, i could have been right all along. maybe i am that guy who would rather do what i love and be paid less. maybe there is way better out there. i just know i have to find out. even if i will always do bitchwork, be mistreated, and even if i will be underpaid doing it, i have to see it for myself. and the realization that i hate my job came when i realized that if this is as good as it gets, i don't want to be an engineer anymore. it's so sad to me to even type it, it makes me tear up. but it's true. i will do something else. anything else. not this. not for forty, fifty years. i will go back to school and get a doctorate and be a professor before this shit. i wont let this beat me, and maybe that's a posative.
but i still dont even know. i cant say i hate it because when i have a good day i second guess myself. maybe its remnants of the bipolar. maybe it affected my descisionmaking. i dont know. but i know other people cant be like this. other people dont stress so much. they let loose more. im just so wound up and so many things that i just want to stop feeling. i want to stop thinking. i want to stop being me sometimes. i dont know if i can even live in my head. i just see randy and i think i could be that. its what scares me most. i just want to take more medicine and drink heavily. and you know what? that's why i love alcohol when im at home. i can relax. i can stop worring. i can just be. i can be happy.
maybe i just need to learn to do that without anything else. shit i know i do. i need to give less of a shit about everything. im going insane.
now for that sleep.
but i am pretty sure i hate my job. i am not sure which is worse, that i cant be sure or that i hate my job. i found myself making an outline of the reasons to hate my job. what i found is that the pay is nowhere near it should be, i am yelled at and mistreated, and i am not doing work i enjoy (in fact i go out of my way to do anything else but my job anymore). and while i dont know if it would ever be better anywhere else, i do know at least i'd be paid for it. and i'd know that's it. this is as good as it gets. and that would be okay. I am getting to the point where i am not sure if all the money in the world is enough to make me happy here. it's just as likely that instead of being completely wrong and this being a good job, i could have been right all along. maybe i am that guy who would rather do what i love and be paid less. maybe there is way better out there. i just know i have to find out. even if i will always do bitchwork, be mistreated, and even if i will be underpaid doing it, i have to see it for myself. and the realization that i hate my job came when i realized that if this is as good as it gets, i don't want to be an engineer anymore. it's so sad to me to even type it, it makes me tear up. but it's true. i will do something else. anything else. not this. not for forty, fifty years. i will go back to school and get a doctorate and be a professor before this shit. i wont let this beat me, and maybe that's a posative.
but i still dont even know. i cant say i hate it because when i have a good day i second guess myself. maybe its remnants of the bipolar. maybe it affected my descisionmaking. i dont know. but i know other people cant be like this. other people dont stress so much. they let loose more. im just so wound up and so many things that i just want to stop feeling. i want to stop thinking. i want to stop being me sometimes. i dont know if i can even live in my head. i just see randy and i think i could be that. its what scares me most. i just want to take more medicine and drink heavily. and you know what? that's why i love alcohol when im at home. i can relax. i can stop worring. i can just be. i can be happy.
maybe i just need to learn to do that without anything else. shit i know i do. i need to give less of a shit about everything. im going insane.
now for that sleep.