(no subject)
I feel better than I ever have. Normally I need something in my life to pick me up and make me do the things I want to. I could never do it on my own. Now I feel like I am finally being the person I want to be and doing the things I always wanted to. Everything is getting so even.
I go to bed every night and try to talk to God, thanking him. And asking him to watch out for you. I don't know if he's there and really I can't. But I try.
A foo fighters song came on today that really got to me.
I can change, I can change, I can change
But who you want me to be?
I'm the same, I'm the same, I'm the same
what do you want me to be?
I guess it reminded me of the futility of the situation when you first left.
I need an outlet for everything about you sometimes. Here it is. Cause tt isn't as though I've stopped thinking about you, because I do a lot. But I'm learning to be okay. I used to just function completely devastated, but now I am able to deal like a normal person. I love you, and I wish so many things were different. I wish you were serious when you said, "we don't know where we're going to be in a few months." Because if you were, you'd still apply here. I know coming here didnt change your opinion on the people, the weather, and the memories. It changed your belief in us. We both have our issues to deal with, and luckly for me, mine is just an imbalence. But you have to see what's going on with you for yourself, and I don't think there's anything I can do to help you. Me telling you what your problem is like some pompous jackass is never going to do it for you. I am learning to accept that I can't fix everything, no matter how much I want to. I get it now.
I guess I thought what if people didn't just sit by and watch things happen? What if people helped each other? I wanted to never turn a blind eye to something I saw wrong. I didn't want to be another person to just walk by, or to say no. The most selfless feeling of wanting to help those I love and even those I didn't turned into something so hurtful. It became a god complex to everyone around me. It was as if I knew everything and was better, but I never thought that. I just wanted to help. I saw it as being a force for good or sitting by and letting bad things happen to good people. It was foolish. I would have given so much of myself to help, and honestly tried. All it did was hurt.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change those I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Damnit Melissa, I love you to pieces, and I always will. You'll never meet anyone who loves you like I do, but I don't know that I'm what you need now. And even though I am moving forward with my life, I still think about you. I'm okay, and I'm going to be okay. And I want you to know is that I've put everything before this weekend in the past. But mostly, I want you to know that I love you and always will, even if I can't be there. Know that I will be okay either way, and that I know you're an amazing girl and you will be too. But I still worry, and I accept that there is nothing I can do now. So take it as a sign that in my powerlessness I pray for you. I ask god to help you, even if it is over me. I'm not the super religious type (though you know that), so I hope instead of thinking it's foolish, I hope you would see how much I care.
Take care of yourself baby.
I go to bed every night and try to talk to God, thanking him. And asking him to watch out for you. I don't know if he's there and really I can't. But I try.
A foo fighters song came on today that really got to me.
I can change, I can change, I can change
But who you want me to be?
I'm the same, I'm the same, I'm the same
what do you want me to be?
I guess it reminded me of the futility of the situation when you first left.
I need an outlet for everything about you sometimes. Here it is. Cause tt isn't as though I've stopped thinking about you, because I do a lot. But I'm learning to be okay. I used to just function completely devastated, but now I am able to deal like a normal person. I love you, and I wish so many things were different. I wish you were serious when you said, "we don't know where we're going to be in a few months." Because if you were, you'd still apply here. I know coming here didnt change your opinion on the people, the weather, and the memories. It changed your belief in us. We both have our issues to deal with, and luckly for me, mine is just an imbalence. But you have to see what's going on with you for yourself, and I don't think there's anything I can do to help you. Me telling you what your problem is like some pompous jackass is never going to do it for you. I am learning to accept that I can't fix everything, no matter how much I want to. I get it now.
I guess I thought what if people didn't just sit by and watch things happen? What if people helped each other? I wanted to never turn a blind eye to something I saw wrong. I didn't want to be another person to just walk by, or to say no. The most selfless feeling of wanting to help those I love and even those I didn't turned into something so hurtful. It became a god complex to everyone around me. It was as if I knew everything and was better, but I never thought that. I just wanted to help. I saw it as being a force for good or sitting by and letting bad things happen to good people. It was foolish. I would have given so much of myself to help, and honestly tried. All it did was hurt.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change those I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Damnit Melissa, I love you to pieces, and I always will. You'll never meet anyone who loves you like I do, but I don't know that I'm what you need now. And even though I am moving forward with my life, I still think about you. I'm okay, and I'm going to be okay. And I want you to know is that I've put everything before this weekend in the past. But mostly, I want you to know that I love you and always will, even if I can't be there. Know that I will be okay either way, and that I know you're an amazing girl and you will be too. But I still worry, and I accept that there is nothing I can do now. So take it as a sign that in my powerlessness I pray for you. I ask god to help you, even if it is over me. I'm not the super religious type (though you know that), so I hope instead of thinking it's foolish, I hope you would see how much I care.
Take care of yourself baby.