Standing Still
It feels like, as usual, nothing is moving forward for me again. It's so depressing to know that this keeps happening to me, years down the road. I'm 24, and I'm still having the same problems with college that I had when I was 18. I feel like I'll never get done. I can't afford to be idle forever. I mean, I still live at home, but things are going to be changing that no one can help. I'm going to be kicked off my dad's insurance when I turn 25. I don't know what my union insurance will be like with things like prescription coverage, and I'm sure they don't cover mental health at all...And how long can I possibly take to get my degree? It's kind of sad, that I want to get farther in my field...I want to work with kids again...but I can't even get myself to do the volunteering I need to keep going in the school of ed. It's the ultimate paradox: I procrastinate with things that will make my life seem more fulfilling. From this procrastination, I instead just get stuck in a rut. But believe me, it's not easy to fix.
I at least am going to therapy again. I went to the pyschiatrist, too, but I pretty much am stuck on the Effexor, since there's not really much else he can do with anti-depressants. That's right...I've exhausted my options. I'm either really depressed, or I'm just not managing it very well in other ways. Which is why I'm going to get into therapy again, and to see what else I can really do. Because switching to an MAO Inhibitor just seems scary. It's quite an undertaking, and I don't know if I want to mess with it if I'm not sure I have to. But I suppose I can at least be happy that I've been taking care of myself again in that way.
I'm just in one of my low points. I have highs and lows. It's especially tough, too, since the girl I'm "dating" is someone I barely keep in touch with. It really upset me to hear Liz tell me about how she's just too busy to be checking up with me all the time. I won't hear from her for over a week, but she doesn't understand why I think it's been such a long time. I'd really like to think that I'm being more rational in this situation. I mean, that's what dating and a relationship are...getting really close to someone...talking to them and seeing them a lot, and really getting to know them better than you know a lot of other people. It just naturally happens. But if I have no idea what Liz has been doing forever, and I bring it up, I'm clingy? It doesn't seem to make sense. She's just too busy! And she's just being a great, decent person, and it's not her fault that she hasn't been giving me much time...she just likes to be by herself when she has a lot to do. But I'm just not sure I can deal with that.
So I've been wondering if the whole Liz thing will really work. And I really hope it can. But I just don't know...she's so different. She's such a loner...and she gets through things by keeping herself occupied with a bunch of stuff, instead of talking to someone about everything. It's a lot for me to deal with, since our personalities are so different in that way, and that's a pretty important area. I don't know. I'd still like to think that we could be together. But I couldn't help it...earlier this week, I stopped thinking of Liz in the same way I had been...at least for now. I just feel like I need someone that'll really be there. That's what a relationship is to me...someone that's truly there for you and cares for you. In other words, I just can't get the idea out of my mind that my girlfriend will end up as my best friend as well...it will be that kind of relationship. I can't imagine it otherwise...how could I not know everything that's going on in the mind of the person I care about most?
I like Liz so much...I hope I don't have to move on to someone else. I hope this little "relationship," or whatever it is, doesn't end up being just another way that it looks like things are moving forward for me for once, and then they end up coming to a halt, like they always do. Story of my life...I'll have to see, I suppose.
At least Liz is coming to Sam's bday party with me later tonight. And this time, I think she really WILL come (unlike Outreach to Teach last Saturday.) I was really excited when I actually got a text from her this past morning. I thought that, knowing her, I wouldn't hear from her again for like another week, but she surprised me. Still, I think no matter what she says, it's just odd that I go through such long periods without even having a clue what she's been doing. I mean, this isn't what dating is! It's hard to feel so connected to Liz, but at the same time, so very lonely. And that I'm right back where I started.
I at least am going to therapy again. I went to the pyschiatrist, too, but I pretty much am stuck on the Effexor, since there's not really much else he can do with anti-depressants. That's right...I've exhausted my options. I'm either really depressed, or I'm just not managing it very well in other ways. Which is why I'm going to get into therapy again, and to see what else I can really do. Because switching to an MAO Inhibitor just seems scary. It's quite an undertaking, and I don't know if I want to mess with it if I'm not sure I have to. But I suppose I can at least be happy that I've been taking care of myself again in that way.
I'm just in one of my low points. I have highs and lows. It's especially tough, too, since the girl I'm "dating" is someone I barely keep in touch with. It really upset me to hear Liz tell me about how she's just too busy to be checking up with me all the time. I won't hear from her for over a week, but she doesn't understand why I think it's been such a long time. I'd really like to think that I'm being more rational in this situation. I mean, that's what dating and a relationship are...getting really close to someone...talking to them and seeing them a lot, and really getting to know them better than you know a lot of other people. It just naturally happens. But if I have no idea what Liz has been doing forever, and I bring it up, I'm clingy? It doesn't seem to make sense. She's just too busy! And she's just being a great, decent person, and it's not her fault that she hasn't been giving me much time...she just likes to be by herself when she has a lot to do. But I'm just not sure I can deal with that.
So I've been wondering if the whole Liz thing will really work. And I really hope it can. But I just don't know...she's so different. She's such a loner...and she gets through things by keeping herself occupied with a bunch of stuff, instead of talking to someone about everything. It's a lot for me to deal with, since our personalities are so different in that way, and that's a pretty important area. I don't know. I'd still like to think that we could be together. But I couldn't help it...earlier this week, I stopped thinking of Liz in the same way I had been...at least for now. I just feel like I need someone that'll really be there. That's what a relationship is to me...someone that's truly there for you and cares for you. In other words, I just can't get the idea out of my mind that my girlfriend will end up as my best friend as well...it will be that kind of relationship. I can't imagine it otherwise...how could I not know everything that's going on in the mind of the person I care about most?
I like Liz so much...I hope I don't have to move on to someone else. I hope this little "relationship," or whatever it is, doesn't end up being just another way that it looks like things are moving forward for me for once, and then they end up coming to a halt, like they always do. Story of my life...I'll have to see, I suppose.
At least Liz is coming to Sam's bday party with me later tonight. And this time, I think she really WILL come (unlike Outreach to Teach last Saturday.) I was really excited when I actually got a text from her this past morning. I thought that, knowing her, I wouldn't hear from her again for like another week, but she surprised me. Still, I think no matter what she says, it's just odd that I go through such long periods without even having a clue what she's been doing. I mean, this isn't what dating is! It's hard to feel so connected to Liz, but at the same time, so very lonely. And that I'm right back where I started.