Loneliness
I've been hanging out with Kelly a lot. She's a girl that I really like. I met her in school over a year ago when we had class together. We talked a lot then, and I always really liked her back then too. But we fell out of touch for a long time, which was really a shame. Luckily, though, I just happened to run into her again at school not too long ago, and since then, we've emailed each other like every day. I've had a lot of fun with her...I went to Dave and Busters with her for her birthday last Thur. and I went to a fancy New Year's party with her too. I think she does really like me. We were actually pretty close on New Year's...we danced a lot and everything...but then, we were both drunk. She was especially drunk, haha. So that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Even though it WAS great. But I got to go bowling with her today too, which was cool.
The problem is always that she's with other people. I really like her friends (and her brother, who was there when we were bowling too)...it's just that I wish we could do something that was just the two of us. But I have the feeling that she's not really comfortable with that yet, and she's rather have people around. Kind of like she's testing me out to see how well I get along with friends and family first. And that's totally cool with me. I want to do whatever she's comfortable with. And I've had a really great time with her.
I guess I'm just always so insecure, though, until I know for sure what the situation is. I don't trust that anyone will ever actually like me that much. I mean, I don't see how they could. There's not much to me. I don't really ever do anything. I don't have any real hobbies. I just waste time on the computer like this. My hobby is, essentially, trying to find better things to do. And now that I might be getting a little closer to Kelly, the problem is: now what? I don't do anything! I have a very boring life. How can I expect her to put up with that?
I suppose I'm always hard on myself. But this is when it's the hardest not to be. And it's tough...I SHOULD feel so happy right now. I SHOULD be so excited that I just got to see her again. And I AM really happy about it, but at the same time, I'm just kind of confused and unsure. I'm pretty confident that she really likes me. But it's in my nature to not assume anything like that, just because that kind of thing never happens to me. So I feel like I need something more concrete so I know that she really does like me. I just wish I had that...it would put my mind at ease. But we're always doing stuff in groups. I dunno. I'm cool with that...it can just be hard.
I feel so pathetic sometimes. I'm always so horribly lonely. Even when I'm with friends I feel lonely. I feel like nothing can get me over this unless I were to know that someone really cares about me in that special way. I don't know... I guess I got screwed b/c we don't really have such a great dynamic within my family. I mean, we don't communicate well. I get tired of having to deal with both my mom and my dad. And my sisters don't tell me anything. It's hard, because it makes me feel like I'm really not cared about by anyone. I think the only reason that single people stay sane is that they usually know they at least have someone that really cares. And a couple of my friends have been really great with listening to me. But it's so sad that I can't even hang out with friends anymore without feeling like something's missing.
It's frustrating...I wish I could hang out with Kelly every day. I mean, I don't have anything better to do, really. And she's all I ever think about as it is. But I can't do that. I mean, you've gotta be cool about things in the beginning like this. And I can't smother her, when we don't even have any kind of relationship anyway. I just feel like, how do other people do this? Keep going with the rest of their busy lives while knowing that the special someone they're interested in is another thing they have to fit in? I feel like, it's not that I don't have anyone to hang out with, I just don't care to do anything else, with anybody, more than hanging out with Kelly.
I just feel this complete emptiness all the time, and I'd give any of my normal life just to be able to feel better knowing that maybe she really does care. Is that terrible? I'd basically completely ignore my friends if I had half the chance to do that because I had something more "important" to do with Kelly. My friends are great, and they can really help me, but I feel like I need to find that certain someone, and I can't really feel whole without her. Meaning, I can only enjoy time with friends to a certain extent if I'm "alone" while doing it. I hope that I'm able to find out for sure that Kelly really likes me...it would put me so much at ease.
I dunno. I'm really happy....I just wish I could be more excited over a great occurrance like this. I am eager to see how all of this plays out, though. So, if I feel like it, I'll keep you posted. Haha.
The problem is always that she's with other people. I really like her friends (and her brother, who was there when we were bowling too)...it's just that I wish we could do something that was just the two of us. But I have the feeling that she's not really comfortable with that yet, and she's rather have people around. Kind of like she's testing me out to see how well I get along with friends and family first. And that's totally cool with me. I want to do whatever she's comfortable with. And I've had a really great time with her.
I guess I'm just always so insecure, though, until I know for sure what the situation is. I don't trust that anyone will ever actually like me that much. I mean, I don't see how they could. There's not much to me. I don't really ever do anything. I don't have any real hobbies. I just waste time on the computer like this. My hobby is, essentially, trying to find better things to do. And now that I might be getting a little closer to Kelly, the problem is: now what? I don't do anything! I have a very boring life. How can I expect her to put up with that?
I suppose I'm always hard on myself. But this is when it's the hardest not to be. And it's tough...I SHOULD feel so happy right now. I SHOULD be so excited that I just got to see her again. And I AM really happy about it, but at the same time, I'm just kind of confused and unsure. I'm pretty confident that she really likes me. But it's in my nature to not assume anything like that, just because that kind of thing never happens to me. So I feel like I need something more concrete so I know that she really does like me. I just wish I had that...it would put my mind at ease. But we're always doing stuff in groups. I dunno. I'm cool with that...it can just be hard.
I feel so pathetic sometimes. I'm always so horribly lonely. Even when I'm with friends I feel lonely. I feel like nothing can get me over this unless I were to know that someone really cares about me in that special way. I don't know... I guess I got screwed b/c we don't really have such a great dynamic within my family. I mean, we don't communicate well. I get tired of having to deal with both my mom and my dad. And my sisters don't tell me anything. It's hard, because it makes me feel like I'm really not cared about by anyone. I think the only reason that single people stay sane is that they usually know they at least have someone that really cares. And a couple of my friends have been really great with listening to me. But it's so sad that I can't even hang out with friends anymore without feeling like something's missing.
It's frustrating...I wish I could hang out with Kelly every day. I mean, I don't have anything better to do, really. And she's all I ever think about as it is. But I can't do that. I mean, you've gotta be cool about things in the beginning like this. And I can't smother her, when we don't even have any kind of relationship anyway. I just feel like, how do other people do this? Keep going with the rest of their busy lives while knowing that the special someone they're interested in is another thing they have to fit in? I feel like, it's not that I don't have anyone to hang out with, I just don't care to do anything else, with anybody, more than hanging out with Kelly.
I just feel this complete emptiness all the time, and I'd give any of my normal life just to be able to feel better knowing that maybe she really does care. Is that terrible? I'd basically completely ignore my friends if I had half the chance to do that because I had something more "important" to do with Kelly. My friends are great, and they can really help me, but I feel like I need to find that certain someone, and I can't really feel whole without her. Meaning, I can only enjoy time with friends to a certain extent if I'm "alone" while doing it. I hope that I'm able to find out for sure that Kelly really likes me...it would put me so much at ease.
I dunno. I'm really happy....I just wish I could be more excited over a great occurrance like this. I am eager to see how all of this plays out, though. So, if I feel like it, I'll keep you posted. Haha.