(no subject)
Exams are almost over, but everything is still driving me crazy. Ugh. I used to think I had a pretty good grasp on people in general, enough so to be able to figure out when to stay away or when to jump on them and hug them until they feel better. I think I've lost that, and it's killing me. It's like someone turned the lights off and moved all the furntiture, and now I'm just bumbling around like an idiot.
Of course, I could attribute it to this horrible lack of serotonin in my brain that's made me so utterly miserable. Clinical depression is really the worst disease, next to maybe ebola or something. I really have no reason to be sad, but I am anyway, and it's making me crazy. Seriously, you've no idea how much I rely on mere conversations now as if they were lifelines or something. It's rediculous! I never used to be so needy and it is driving me up the wall. I used to spend hours and hours on my own doing nothing and now I tend to cry all the time over stupid songs and photos and want to break down and curl up into a ball at the mere thought of being alone. It's so stupid and it's really not like me and I hate it. It sucks. It's like I have to tag along with this sappy, sentimental sob-fest body that doesn't want to listen to my brain. And I don't feel like eating anymore because of it. Me! Not Eating! If that wasn't the worst punishment in the world, I don't know what is, because I LOVE food. That, and now my clothes don't fit. Grr...
Yes, i know all my lj posts have be SOOO emo lately, and I apologize. It's been more of a vent than usual, especially when no one's home and I'm feeling whiney. After this weekend I'll find something of good use for you to pretend not to read, I promise. I'm also sorry to those of you that have had to listen to me whine and cry and snot all over the place for the last few weeks, especially Jasper and Spencer. It really means so much to me that you can tolerate so much. :) Right now,though, I'm going to paint, and numb myself out with some orange juice... Just orange juice. God knows I can't use any more depressants. :)
Of course, I could attribute it to this horrible lack of serotonin in my brain that's made me so utterly miserable. Clinical depression is really the worst disease, next to maybe ebola or something. I really have no reason to be sad, but I am anyway, and it's making me crazy. Seriously, you've no idea how much I rely on mere conversations now as if they were lifelines or something. It's rediculous! I never used to be so needy and it is driving me up the wall. I used to spend hours and hours on my own doing nothing and now I tend to cry all the time over stupid songs and photos and want to break down and curl up into a ball at the mere thought of being alone. It's so stupid and it's really not like me and I hate it. It sucks. It's like I have to tag along with this sappy, sentimental sob-fest body that doesn't want to listen to my brain. And I don't feel like eating anymore because of it. Me! Not Eating! If that wasn't the worst punishment in the world, I don't know what is, because I LOVE food. That, and now my clothes don't fit. Grr...
Yes, i know all my lj posts have be SOOO emo lately, and I apologize. It's been more of a vent than usual, especially when no one's home and I'm feeling whiney. After this weekend I'll find something of good use for you to pretend not to read, I promise. I'm also sorry to those of you that have had to listen to me whine and cry and snot all over the place for the last few weeks, especially Jasper and Spencer. It really means so much to me that you can tolerate so much. :) Right now,though, I'm going to paint, and numb myself out with some orange juice... Just orange juice. God knows I can't use any more depressants. :)