Between friendship and duty (part 5)
Kent had gotten some painkillers which had taken his remaining energy from him, so that he’d fallen into a deep sleep. He awoke with a feeling that something was wrong and remembered his sister leaving, but he quickly told himself that the fear he’d been feeling had been due to his lack of sleep. He hadn’t been thinking clearly and thinking his plan through now, he realised that he could inform his sister of what was going on and then call one of his fellow detectives who could come and take his sister to safety until they had found Mark. Maybe he, his former friend and his assailants would soon be living in the same place, oh joy, but he had to steel himself for it - he was the one to blame for participating in this.
He was still pondering how he was going to tell his sister when she came in through the door to his room.
“Emerson!” she said, her face a big smile. The guilt hit him hard. This was going to be tougher than he had anticipated. “You look much better today!” His lack of proper sleep the day before had probably shown on his face, because other than the night’s sleep he’d had he didn’t feel any better today.
He swallowed and realised how dry his throat had become. He was about to ask Erica for some water, but he realised it was just procrastination. He had to get this over with right now.
“Guess who are staying at Nan’s place so they could come see you!” Erica announced before he could say anything and stepped aside to reveal a short plump curly-haired woman and a tall man with grey hair.
“Emerson! My dearest son!” the woman, Kent’s mother, called out as she rushed past her daughter to embrace her son. The tight feeling in his chest became worse. Of course everyone was going to find out if he confessed to his sister, but it felt increasingly hard admitting to what he’d done with his entire family there. “Are you okay?”
“Hi mum,” Kent said quietly.
“Of course he’s not,” Kent’s father said with a stern face. “He’s just been attacked again, he must be feeling terrible. I don’t think he needs you smothering him, Barbara.”
“I don’t mind it,” Kent said looking up at his mother who ran her hand through his hair. His decision to admit to what he’d done was slowly crumbling. Maybe no one needed to know. He and Mark could leave London and make sure they wouldn’t be followed by the people who had hurt him. They could start a new life, and even though he would be sad to leave his workmates behind, it wouldn’t be as life changing for him as admitting to what he had done.
“Don’t you think that job of yours has become a bit too dangerous lately, son?” his father asked still wearing a stern expression. Kent had always had a suspicion that his dad didn’t think he was cut out for the job and even though the question was probably also born out of concern, he would normally have objected, also mentioning that this incident didn’t even happen while he was at his job, but this time he agreed.
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about resigning this past day.” There he’d said it, this was one of two choices that he’d now chosen, it wasn’t too late to back out, but he really couldn’t decide which the wisest choice was. This option spared his family and that had to be the most important thing.
“What?” Erica seemed genuinely shocked. “But you love…” she was just about to stumble over her words, he could tell, but Erica was the only one in his family to know. “that job! You never clock out in your mind, I’ve seen it!” Kent could see his mum nodding out of the corner of his eyes.
“Honey, I know how scared this must’ve made you, but you’ve worked so hard for this job. You’re practically a real life hero!” His mum said her hand finding his. He knew that she must feel concern about his job as well, but she had heard him talk proudly of his job too many times to believe that this change of mind had come about for good reasons. She would be right about that, but it didn’t change his mind.
“No, mum, I mean it. I don’t feel like I belong in this job anymore,” Kent said, adding: “I think I need to find something that really fits me.” His mum would appreciate it more if he did it for reasons that would make him happy.
“Oh well, if you really feel like it’s the best choice for you. You know we love you no matter what!” Kent almost winced at the words and every fibre of his being told him he’d made the right decision at this very moment. He wondered how quickly that would change for the opposite when he had to tell Chandler and the rest of his team that he was going to quit his job. But as far as he could reason, nobody would be hurt badly if he carried out his current plans, except for his own conscience.
“I do,” Kent said smiling, and even though he could still see the doubt in his mother’s and sister’s eyes, none of them said anything to try and change his mind further. They changed subject to more pleasant things and it left Kent in a strangely optimistic mood when they eventually left. He didn’t want to waste time and called Mark straightaway to tell him of his plans. Mark seemed happy with the idea, so that was the first part of the plan out of the way. It did feel strange to talk happily with his friend again considering how broken their friendship had become. Kent could never really call him his friend again even if what he did was out of desperation, but if they had to leave London together he had to act like their friendship was intact.
The next couple of days he was visited by Chandler and Miles who were both trying to get him to reveal who had hurt him and he gave some vague explanations that could fit anyone but given that he still didn’t want to press charges there was nothing they could do. He didn’t mention the job at all as he wanted to go to work one last time so he could say a proper goodbye to everyone. Erica visited him daily despite being very busy with her job. She had obviously taken his pleas on her first visit seriously and it made his brotherly love for her even stronger.
When he came out of the hospital, Mark had made up an extra bed in the apartment of a mutual friend of theirs, having decided that their own apartment wasn’t safe anymore. Lying in bed that evening Kent tried to prepare himself mentally for the day he knew had to come eventually. He had troubles falling asleep as he tried to figure out how he could have let his otherwise almost perfect life slip through his fingers. At first he felt anger at himself, at how he didn’t just do the right thing straight away, but then he realised that he should be directing his anger at Mark for putting him in that position in the first place. He then thought to himself that he couldn’t blame Mark for how he had reacted to the situation himself so he ended with a mixed external/internal rage and ended up getting only a few hours of sleep.
It was not the best kind of preparation for a day he knew would be emotionally challenging, but he was determined to get it over with. Going to work, he couldn’t help but smile at the fact that he was on his way to see the team again. He had to remind himself of the reason he was there, but it was like he hadn’t truly realised it yet.
Riley looked up and gave him a heartwarming smile when he entered the incident room. She had obviously forgiven him for his words the other day. Kent figured it might have something to do with how fragile he looked walking around with crutches. It was even worse this time than it had been the last time as the wounds on his chest hurt when he used his chest muscles too much, which unfortunately he did when he had to walk with the crutches.
“Welcome back, Kent!” she said giving him a hug with one arm over the shoulder. Kent shortly wondered if he should tell her right away, but opted for a simple thank you instead.
He’d arrived late for work, cause all of the others, with the exception of Mansell were already there. Buchan gave him a cheery greeting as he passed on his way down to the archives, and Miles welcomed him back with a slight hesitation. Kent knew that it bothered him that he hadn’t pressed charges. The crutches were physical evidence that somebody was roaming out there who could do people harm, and Kent was in the way of getting to them, but that was not his concern, and especially not in this moment where he was gathering his strength to do what he must do.
He was not sure if he should tell people before Mansell got in, but if he didn’t he would definitely have to meet Chandler face to face beforehand.
He sat down at his desk wondering what to do. It would almost be stupid starting any work as he wouldn’t be able to finish it that day anyway. Chandler walked out of his office and over to Riley to tell her something and when he turned around he lit up in a smile.
“Oh Kent! I didn’t know you would be in so soon. It’s good to have you back!”
“Thanks sir!” Kent said. He couldn’t help but feel a warmth in his body at the words.
Chandler walked over to his desk, obviously looking at the crutches beside Kent. “Listen, we have a new case on our hands, and it will probably take a lot of field work, but if that’s inconvenient for you, you can stay at the station and interview people.” Kent saw Mansell arrive at work and decided that it was better to get this over with sooner than later.
“Um… Sir?” He said hesitantly, his heart was beating faster in his chest, and he had to swallow twice before he could say anymore, all the while Chandler was looking inquisitively at him. Why did he have to do this? “I… You won’t have to find me…” Kent was speaking so low that Mansell didn’t realise there was anyone talking. He went straight up to Chandler.
“I just had a talk with the search team. Other than the foot it seems like a professional has been at work here. There were no traces to be found of anything.” Kent had stopped talking so Chandler focused his attention on Mansell.
“Don’t give up yet, if we’ve found a foot their work can’t be that thorough. It’s just a matter of time before more must show up. And since we’ve roughly estimated the date of death, we’re going to run through the missing person register to see if there’s anything that fits with the date, the place and possibly the shoe size to see if we can give a name to our John Doe. Actually isn’t that something you could do, Kent?”
Kent was only vaguely interested in the case as he couldn’t let himself be invested in this. He would have to tell them now or he may never get the courage to do so.
“I said it yesterday, and I’ll say it again today. It’s the place for low-life drug dealers and their customers to meet and I would bet half of my pay check that it’s either a buyer or a seller we’re dealing with here. A transaction gone wrong,” Miles barked. Kent’s heart sank. It couldn’t be.
Mansell turned to Kent who looked baffled to explain. “It’s a murder, or so we believe as we’ve found a foot. It happened someday last week. The foot was found behind a shed by the Thames, and we believe that the rest of the body parts have been thrown in the water. By the way, it’s nice to see you back!” Kent nodded quickly, but he was screaming internally. Their new case was the case of the man Mark had killed. If he didn’t intervene with the investigation, it would lead to them. He could not let this happen. He could not quit his job.
This meant that he was now investigating his own crime, and the realisation of that took its toll on him. Granted, he was not the one who had committed the actual murder, but he felt equally guilty. How had it come to this? He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. He could feel his own sanity starting to crack - just like it had done months ago. This time it was stronger though.
Last time it had manifested itself in the smallest of things; reflections, angry outbursts or actions. He’d thought everything had gone back to normal after the positive comment his invitation had received from Chandler. The appointment to go out for drinks had never happened, and the team had been down for a while until they’d picked up a new case and thrown themselves even more into their work to prove themselves. It had worked. The team had successfully brought in the killer of several victims who had been asleep at the time of killing so the struggle was minimal. One victim had heard him enter the house and escaped the killer and he was the last crucial piece to finding the killer and having him arrested. After that, Chandler had finally started to believe in himself again which increased Kent’s own mood a lot. As he was the superstitious type, he had not wanted to jinx the post-case celebrations by daring to ask his boss out again. With all of this having happened since the last time he’d had troubles, Kent hadn’t given them a thought since.
Now as he was sitting on the edge of his seat staring at the report he’d gotten from the morgue to keep himself up to date with what his colleagues knew already, he almost felt as though he could hear his own mind crumbling audibly.
He hurt from having sat down for too long and even though he had now moved to a position so he was perched on the chair in a way where his wounds weren’t touching it, he could feel them stinging, and the anger he had felt before flared up in him again.
He’d felt it first at the injustice surrounding him when he had first been attacked, but the satisfaction of having caught the people who had hurt him and having dismantled their empire of crime, had been enough for the anger to settle for a long time, even though they themselves had never been brought courtly justice it. Kent he had never before realised that that was what had given him even more satisfaction as they could now never return in any way.
He’d felt the anger again a couple of months ago and wondered if it was because something was wrong with him. Now he was sure that was the case as he was staring down at the descriptions of how the body must have had been disposed and at the same time vividly remembering the action itself.
He realised there was no going back to the right side of the law, and since that was the case, why shouldn’t he allow himself to feel some of that satisfaction again? His fears for his sister’s life and the dilemma he had found himself in about whether or not to confess had been just enough distraction for him to have not really considered the severity of his latest attack, and he hadn’t really worked through it. Of course he had thought about it. He’d had nightmares and fears, but then his mind had turned back to the dilemma. As his mind conjured up a plan his anger turned to fear as he realised what he’d been thinking of. He could never turn back to being the innocent young Kent everybody knew, but his thirst for justice - or was it vengeance? - was so strong that he had planned on killing his attackers. He didn’t know whether most of the fear that had hit him afterwards had come from the fact that he had earnestly planned to kill someone or from the deep-rooted fear of his attackers that dwelled inside him, but what he did know was that Mansell had spotted the expression of fear that had obviously been evident on his face and was now headed over towards him…
He was still pondering how he was going to tell his sister when she came in through the door to his room.
“Emerson!” she said, her face a big smile. The guilt hit him hard. This was going to be tougher than he had anticipated. “You look much better today!” His lack of proper sleep the day before had probably shown on his face, because other than the night’s sleep he’d had he didn’t feel any better today.
He swallowed and realised how dry his throat had become. He was about to ask Erica for some water, but he realised it was just procrastination. He had to get this over with right now.
“Guess who are staying at Nan’s place so they could come see you!” Erica announced before he could say anything and stepped aside to reveal a short plump curly-haired woman and a tall man with grey hair.
“Emerson! My dearest son!” the woman, Kent’s mother, called out as she rushed past her daughter to embrace her son. The tight feeling in his chest became worse. Of course everyone was going to find out if he confessed to his sister, but it felt increasingly hard admitting to what he’d done with his entire family there. “Are you okay?”
“Hi mum,” Kent said quietly.
“Of course he’s not,” Kent’s father said with a stern face. “He’s just been attacked again, he must be feeling terrible. I don’t think he needs you smothering him, Barbara.”
“I don’t mind it,” Kent said looking up at his mother who ran her hand through his hair. His decision to admit to what he’d done was slowly crumbling. Maybe no one needed to know. He and Mark could leave London and make sure they wouldn’t be followed by the people who had hurt him. They could start a new life, and even though he would be sad to leave his workmates behind, it wouldn’t be as life changing for him as admitting to what he had done.
“Don’t you think that job of yours has become a bit too dangerous lately, son?” his father asked still wearing a stern expression. Kent had always had a suspicion that his dad didn’t think he was cut out for the job and even though the question was probably also born out of concern, he would normally have objected, also mentioning that this incident didn’t even happen while he was at his job, but this time he agreed.
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about resigning this past day.” There he’d said it, this was one of two choices that he’d now chosen, it wasn’t too late to back out, but he really couldn’t decide which the wisest choice was. This option spared his family and that had to be the most important thing.
“What?” Erica seemed genuinely shocked. “But you love…” she was just about to stumble over her words, he could tell, but Erica was the only one in his family to know. “that job! You never clock out in your mind, I’ve seen it!” Kent could see his mum nodding out of the corner of his eyes.
“Honey, I know how scared this must’ve made you, but you’ve worked so hard for this job. You’re practically a real life hero!” His mum said her hand finding his. He knew that she must feel concern about his job as well, but she had heard him talk proudly of his job too many times to believe that this change of mind had come about for good reasons. She would be right about that, but it didn’t change his mind.
“No, mum, I mean it. I don’t feel like I belong in this job anymore,” Kent said, adding: “I think I need to find something that really fits me.” His mum would appreciate it more if he did it for reasons that would make him happy.
“Oh well, if you really feel like it’s the best choice for you. You know we love you no matter what!” Kent almost winced at the words and every fibre of his being told him he’d made the right decision at this very moment. He wondered how quickly that would change for the opposite when he had to tell Chandler and the rest of his team that he was going to quit his job. But as far as he could reason, nobody would be hurt badly if he carried out his current plans, except for his own conscience.
“I do,” Kent said smiling, and even though he could still see the doubt in his mother’s and sister’s eyes, none of them said anything to try and change his mind further. They changed subject to more pleasant things and it left Kent in a strangely optimistic mood when they eventually left. He didn’t want to waste time and called Mark straightaway to tell him of his plans. Mark seemed happy with the idea, so that was the first part of the plan out of the way. It did feel strange to talk happily with his friend again considering how broken their friendship had become. Kent could never really call him his friend again even if what he did was out of desperation, but if they had to leave London together he had to act like their friendship was intact.
The next couple of days he was visited by Chandler and Miles who were both trying to get him to reveal who had hurt him and he gave some vague explanations that could fit anyone but given that he still didn’t want to press charges there was nothing they could do. He didn’t mention the job at all as he wanted to go to work one last time so he could say a proper goodbye to everyone. Erica visited him daily despite being very busy with her job. She had obviously taken his pleas on her first visit seriously and it made his brotherly love for her even stronger.
When he came out of the hospital, Mark had made up an extra bed in the apartment of a mutual friend of theirs, having decided that their own apartment wasn’t safe anymore. Lying in bed that evening Kent tried to prepare himself mentally for the day he knew had to come eventually. He had troubles falling asleep as he tried to figure out how he could have let his otherwise almost perfect life slip through his fingers. At first he felt anger at himself, at how he didn’t just do the right thing straight away, but then he realised that he should be directing his anger at Mark for putting him in that position in the first place. He then thought to himself that he couldn’t blame Mark for how he had reacted to the situation himself so he ended with a mixed external/internal rage and ended up getting only a few hours of sleep.
It was not the best kind of preparation for a day he knew would be emotionally challenging, but he was determined to get it over with. Going to work, he couldn’t help but smile at the fact that he was on his way to see the team again. He had to remind himself of the reason he was there, but it was like he hadn’t truly realised it yet.
Riley looked up and gave him a heartwarming smile when he entered the incident room. She had obviously forgiven him for his words the other day. Kent figured it might have something to do with how fragile he looked walking around with crutches. It was even worse this time than it had been the last time as the wounds on his chest hurt when he used his chest muscles too much, which unfortunately he did when he had to walk with the crutches.
“Welcome back, Kent!” she said giving him a hug with one arm over the shoulder. Kent shortly wondered if he should tell her right away, but opted for a simple thank you instead.
He’d arrived late for work, cause all of the others, with the exception of Mansell were already there. Buchan gave him a cheery greeting as he passed on his way down to the archives, and Miles welcomed him back with a slight hesitation. Kent knew that it bothered him that he hadn’t pressed charges. The crutches were physical evidence that somebody was roaming out there who could do people harm, and Kent was in the way of getting to them, but that was not his concern, and especially not in this moment where he was gathering his strength to do what he must do.
He was not sure if he should tell people before Mansell got in, but if he didn’t he would definitely have to meet Chandler face to face beforehand.
He sat down at his desk wondering what to do. It would almost be stupid starting any work as he wouldn’t be able to finish it that day anyway. Chandler walked out of his office and over to Riley to tell her something and when he turned around he lit up in a smile.
“Oh Kent! I didn’t know you would be in so soon. It’s good to have you back!”
“Thanks sir!” Kent said. He couldn’t help but feel a warmth in his body at the words.
Chandler walked over to his desk, obviously looking at the crutches beside Kent. “Listen, we have a new case on our hands, and it will probably take a lot of field work, but if that’s inconvenient for you, you can stay at the station and interview people.” Kent saw Mansell arrive at work and decided that it was better to get this over with sooner than later.
“Um… Sir?” He said hesitantly, his heart was beating faster in his chest, and he had to swallow twice before he could say anymore, all the while Chandler was looking inquisitively at him. Why did he have to do this? “I… You won’t have to find me…” Kent was speaking so low that Mansell didn’t realise there was anyone talking. He went straight up to Chandler.
“I just had a talk with the search team. Other than the foot it seems like a professional has been at work here. There were no traces to be found of anything.” Kent had stopped talking so Chandler focused his attention on Mansell.
“Don’t give up yet, if we’ve found a foot their work can’t be that thorough. It’s just a matter of time before more must show up. And since we’ve roughly estimated the date of death, we’re going to run through the missing person register to see if there’s anything that fits with the date, the place and possibly the shoe size to see if we can give a name to our John Doe. Actually isn’t that something you could do, Kent?”
Kent was only vaguely interested in the case as he couldn’t let himself be invested in this. He would have to tell them now or he may never get the courage to do so.
“I said it yesterday, and I’ll say it again today. It’s the place for low-life drug dealers and their customers to meet and I would bet half of my pay check that it’s either a buyer or a seller we’re dealing with here. A transaction gone wrong,” Miles barked. Kent’s heart sank. It couldn’t be.
Mansell turned to Kent who looked baffled to explain. “It’s a murder, or so we believe as we’ve found a foot. It happened someday last week. The foot was found behind a shed by the Thames, and we believe that the rest of the body parts have been thrown in the water. By the way, it’s nice to see you back!” Kent nodded quickly, but he was screaming internally. Their new case was the case of the man Mark had killed. If he didn’t intervene with the investigation, it would lead to them. He could not let this happen. He could not quit his job.
This meant that he was now investigating his own crime, and the realisation of that took its toll on him. Granted, he was not the one who had committed the actual murder, but he felt equally guilty. How had it come to this? He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. He could feel his own sanity starting to crack - just like it had done months ago. This time it was stronger though.
Last time it had manifested itself in the smallest of things; reflections, angry outbursts or actions. He’d thought everything had gone back to normal after the positive comment his invitation had received from Chandler. The appointment to go out for drinks had never happened, and the team had been down for a while until they’d picked up a new case and thrown themselves even more into their work to prove themselves. It had worked. The team had successfully brought in the killer of several victims who had been asleep at the time of killing so the struggle was minimal. One victim had heard him enter the house and escaped the killer and he was the last crucial piece to finding the killer and having him arrested. After that, Chandler had finally started to believe in himself again which increased Kent’s own mood a lot. As he was the superstitious type, he had not wanted to jinx the post-case celebrations by daring to ask his boss out again. With all of this having happened since the last time he’d had troubles, Kent hadn’t given them a thought since.
Now as he was sitting on the edge of his seat staring at the report he’d gotten from the morgue to keep himself up to date with what his colleagues knew already, he almost felt as though he could hear his own mind crumbling audibly.
He hurt from having sat down for too long and even though he had now moved to a position so he was perched on the chair in a way where his wounds weren’t touching it, he could feel them stinging, and the anger he had felt before flared up in him again.
He’d felt it first at the injustice surrounding him when he had first been attacked, but the satisfaction of having caught the people who had hurt him and having dismantled their empire of crime, had been enough for the anger to settle for a long time, even though they themselves had never been brought courtly justice it. Kent he had never before realised that that was what had given him even more satisfaction as they could now never return in any way.
He’d felt the anger again a couple of months ago and wondered if it was because something was wrong with him. Now he was sure that was the case as he was staring down at the descriptions of how the body must have had been disposed and at the same time vividly remembering the action itself.
He realised there was no going back to the right side of the law, and since that was the case, why shouldn’t he allow himself to feel some of that satisfaction again? His fears for his sister’s life and the dilemma he had found himself in about whether or not to confess had been just enough distraction for him to have not really considered the severity of his latest attack, and he hadn’t really worked through it. Of course he had thought about it. He’d had nightmares and fears, but then his mind had turned back to the dilemma. As his mind conjured up a plan his anger turned to fear as he realised what he’d been thinking of. He could never turn back to being the innocent young Kent everybody knew, but his thirst for justice - or was it vengeance? - was so strong that he had planned on killing his attackers. He didn’t know whether most of the fear that had hit him afterwards had come from the fact that he had earnestly planned to kill someone or from the deep-rooted fear of his attackers that dwelled inside him, but what he did know was that Mansell had spotted the expression of fear that had obviously been evident on his face and was now headed over towards him…