finding myself at the door once more
Considering how sparse my posts have been, I'm not going to try and compress the past year or so down. At least not right away, that is. I am adjusting back into the rhythm of living by myself again as the rest of the year looming ahead and telling myself that it's ok if I'm not as "productive" as I ought to be with the things needing taken care of before school starts in fall. I did, however, finally clean out the closet (that very much needed to be dealt with for some time now), filled with not nearly as much mold as I feared, and got the laundry together with everything that needs to be given away to Goodwill. The only thing I didn't really do was go through the papers I need to sort through (and get rid of a good 80% of them). But this should be ok because I just had a relationship fizzle out only a few days ago.
This will not be the time when I sort through all of the guy's faults, but simply put, as some of you have suspected (and have told me as such), he was pretty much a jerk and I'm very much set in my decision to keep moving forward with my responsibilities. He was, however, the only one who was there for me when emotionally I really needed someone and despite the way things have ultimately turned out, I'm in a far better place now than I was a year ago and that would not have happened had it not been for him. He was the one waiting for me at my place, making dinner so I wouldn't have to stay up until 2am making my last meal for the evening. I'm not sleeping on a tatami mat on a hardwood floor like I was last year, but as we talked about, that isn't exactly the best basis to have a relationship upon. So there aren't any regrets or that much hard feelings; it was, to put simply, we could only go on so long until the fact of some of the incompatibilities with our natures was going to win out despite our best efforts. Maybe I'll elaborate on that later on, but I don't want to right now. As people have told me, at least this was cleared up before we decided to get a place together, granted that was a part of the impetus for me to bring up all of the issues when I did. The school year is looming closer, my savings are almost running dry, I'm starting to perform with my music, and there's still quite a bit of work that needs to done. Thus, this is not a good time to be getting on my case about my socks going past my ankles, etc. Basically I needed to know if I could still count on him when I will be swamped with work, school, etc. again and well, I got my answer.
If any of this seems like a surprise, maybe it's due to my lack of posts and that much of it was just a lot of backbiting rather than real issues coming up. Him saying things like "why are you so weird?" (in earnest) and me retorting "why are you such an asshole?" and things like that. As I would tell him more than once, he's a good guy; he just tends to say really shitty things most of the time. It's weird thinking of this as my longest relationship but there you have it. May we find souls better suited to our natures, I suppose. I haven't reflected too much on how much has changed but things just feel... different, like the molting of yet another skin. Autumn looms ahead and the road is far clearer than I think it's ever been. I'm also not sure which makes me more anxious: not knowing what exactly lies ahead, or knowing exactly what will lie ahead. I suppose it's comfort to know that yes, I am in search of some kind of intimate companionship and that right now I'm alone, but that's ok. The future will be demanding a lot out of me, but that will be ok too. I am, still, at least doing everything I want to be doing and that's enough for now.
I want to get back into the habit of posting more regularly as things progress, since despite this, I'm looking forward to how things are going to take shape, since, after so long, I'm getting glimpses of things actually taking shape, as overwhelming as it feels on occassion.
Also, I've finally snagged myself a last.fm account. I don't know what happened to 2009 but I've been out of the loop with new music happening these days and that's not a good thing. I'm realizing I shouldn't have let myself get so influenced by the stifling, negative air that permeates the "scenes" that make us this city. Much is to be remedied and rectified.
This will not be the time when I sort through all of the guy's faults, but simply put, as some of you have suspected (and have told me as such), he was pretty much a jerk and I'm very much set in my decision to keep moving forward with my responsibilities. He was, however, the only one who was there for me when emotionally I really needed someone and despite the way things have ultimately turned out, I'm in a far better place now than I was a year ago and that would not have happened had it not been for him. He was the one waiting for me at my place, making dinner so I wouldn't have to stay up until 2am making my last meal for the evening. I'm not sleeping on a tatami mat on a hardwood floor like I was last year, but as we talked about, that isn't exactly the best basis to have a relationship upon. So there aren't any regrets or that much hard feelings; it was, to put simply, we could only go on so long until the fact of some of the incompatibilities with our natures was going to win out despite our best efforts. Maybe I'll elaborate on that later on, but I don't want to right now. As people have told me, at least this was cleared up before we decided to get a place together, granted that was a part of the impetus for me to bring up all of the issues when I did. The school year is looming closer, my savings are almost running dry, I'm starting to perform with my music, and there's still quite a bit of work that needs to done. Thus, this is not a good time to be getting on my case about my socks going past my ankles, etc. Basically I needed to know if I could still count on him when I will be swamped with work, school, etc. again and well, I got my answer.
If any of this seems like a surprise, maybe it's due to my lack of posts and that much of it was just a lot of backbiting rather than real issues coming up. Him saying things like "why are you so weird?" (in earnest) and me retorting "why are you such an asshole?" and things like that. As I would tell him more than once, he's a good guy; he just tends to say really shitty things most of the time. It's weird thinking of this as my longest relationship but there you have it. May we find souls better suited to our natures, I suppose. I haven't reflected too much on how much has changed but things just feel... different, like the molting of yet another skin. Autumn looms ahead and the road is far clearer than I think it's ever been. I'm also not sure which makes me more anxious: not knowing what exactly lies ahead, or knowing exactly what will lie ahead. I suppose it's comfort to know that yes, I am in search of some kind of intimate companionship and that right now I'm alone, but that's ok. The future will be demanding a lot out of me, but that will be ok too. I am, still, at least doing everything I want to be doing and that's enough for now.
I want to get back into the habit of posting more regularly as things progress, since despite this, I'm looking forward to how things are going to take shape, since, after so long, I'm getting glimpses of things actually taking shape, as overwhelming as it feels on occassion.
Also, I've finally snagged myself a last.fm account. I don't know what happened to 2009 but I've been out of the loop with new music happening these days and that's not a good thing. I'm realizing I shouldn't have let myself get so influenced by the stifling, negative air that permeates the "scenes" that make us this city. Much is to be remedied and rectified.