falling into frame
Update #1--
Not sure where the ideal place to start would be, so I may as well just start anywhere.
The first couple of nights here have been rather low-key but we expect things to get more exciting later in the week. This makes sense because zingibar and Katie wake at around 6:30am to prepare for work and I've been sleeping anywhere between 10-15 at a time clearly resting up and recuperating from what it is undoubtedly just being in Portland. One of the things that I was vaguely aware of when I was leaving that I was afraid would make itself clear was just how relieved I would be just to be outside of Portland for awhile, even in the indifferent arms of a strange city like Prague. It's definitely more than a few things that bother me about Portland; I can say that I actually don't like Portland for a wide variety of reasons. But, as I stated before, mostly because things have been going so well with the schools, Portland will have simply have to tolerate me. I'm reminded of JB's saying about one should always be reminding about the process in which pearls are created: that to be pearlized, one must essentially be an irritant to the surroundings. Meaning I will probably come back to Portland somewhat more rested and relaxed and perhaps ready to deal with the challeneges of those surroundings in much better spirits. It's perhaps bad enough that I've had to wrestle with my own inner demons that asking me to tolerate the perpetual-adolescent/pseudo-bohemian attitude that characterizes much of Portland was probably more than I cared to deal with, especially in regards to my work situation and the balancing of that with school (sorry, when you have actual problems and concerns, it's very difficult not to refer to other lesser things as being petty). Indeed, forgive me for being unsympathetic.
However, that being said, I will accept some amount of defeat. Fine, music will become a hobby. It has been this whole time. Empty victory that. The scenes across the states have demonstrated in many ways that doing anything under their terms is enough to change one's minds, particularly if one must lower themselves to their mediocre standards. I'll pursue a career in psychology instead, mastering Russian and Polish in the hopes of easier convincing the EU to allow me to find some large European city for me to live in and I'll record music on my own without worrying about, and let me specific about this, how we THINK we're supposed to go about pursuing music, particularly amongst the scenes outside the major music markets. This means I'll still go about things in my own way. There's really not anything else to say beyond leaving things to chance quite honestly. I despise the notion of networking and self-promotion anyway and I feel suspicious about using any of the techniques so commonly employed by the mediocre. I'm still intending to take a break from school for the summer to get that album put together and I'm still going to Omaha in Sept. with Matt and his songs more or less to see what happens there. It isn't going to surprise me if some accident happens where just the thing I've desired will appear once I stop actively desiring (or seeking) it.
With that saltiness behind me, because that needed to vented in, we can move on.
There was a quote in my last abnormal psych textbook I really liked: "The image in which I create myself in order for me to love myself is quite different from the image I create for others to love me." It struck me when I read and it made me realize that perhaps all of the separate lives, the separate images and selves that seem to develop from place to place all need to be reconciled though not for the sake of achieving some sense of "completion" but rather having something somewhat self-contained in which any energy invested into it would not be scattered. Indeed, my main concern upon returning will be reconciling my own issues and continuing to move in my own direction. The scenes can continue to degenerate because in a way, they deserve to and I don't really envy any of my... I think "contemporaries" will serve as the proper euphemism. Talking with zingibar in person again reaffirms a lot of this because it seems we both have grown rather tired of people going into their 30s and not shaking away attitudes that should've disappeared by the time they reached their mid-20s.
What it comes to, however, is that when all is said and done, despite whatever disappointments or depressions come about, I'm finding that I'm honestly LIKING myself more than perhaps I've ever had and that I LIKE whoever this is I seem to evolving into. Perhaps that's a bit ironic and with the reactions I tend to get, one would assume that I'd be evolving into some kind of asshole. But anyway, I like that I'm growing to like myself and that there are things I can look forward to that can be actively pursued. A shame that the environments aren't completely supportive but I start university next week and looking at things now I'd have to say I'm doing fairly well for myself. I suppose we'll see what happens when I get back. Hopefully I won't be become harsher with particular dealings...
Not sure where the ideal place to start would be, so I may as well just start anywhere.
The first couple of nights here have been rather low-key but we expect things to get more exciting later in the week. This makes sense because zingibar and Katie wake at around 6:30am to prepare for work and I've been sleeping anywhere between 10-15 at a time clearly resting up and recuperating from what it is undoubtedly just being in Portland. One of the things that I was vaguely aware of when I was leaving that I was afraid would make itself clear was just how relieved I would be just to be outside of Portland for awhile, even in the indifferent arms of a strange city like Prague. It's definitely more than a few things that bother me about Portland; I can say that I actually don't like Portland for a wide variety of reasons. But, as I stated before, mostly because things have been going so well with the schools, Portland will have simply have to tolerate me. I'm reminded of JB's saying about one should always be reminding about the process in which pearls are created: that to be pearlized, one must essentially be an irritant to the surroundings. Meaning I will probably come back to Portland somewhat more rested and relaxed and perhaps ready to deal with the challeneges of those surroundings in much better spirits. It's perhaps bad enough that I've had to wrestle with my own inner demons that asking me to tolerate the perpetual-adolescent/pseudo-bohemian attitude that characterizes much of Portland was probably more than I cared to deal with, especially in regards to my work situation and the balancing of that with school (sorry, when you have actual problems and concerns, it's very difficult not to refer to other lesser things as being petty). Indeed, forgive me for being unsympathetic.
However, that being said, I will accept some amount of defeat. Fine, music will become a hobby. It has been this whole time. Empty victory that. The scenes across the states have demonstrated in many ways that doing anything under their terms is enough to change one's minds, particularly if one must lower themselves to their mediocre standards. I'll pursue a career in psychology instead, mastering Russian and Polish in the hopes of easier convincing the EU to allow me to find some large European city for me to live in and I'll record music on my own without worrying about, and let me specific about this, how we THINK we're supposed to go about pursuing music, particularly amongst the scenes outside the major music markets. This means I'll still go about things in my own way. There's really not anything else to say beyond leaving things to chance quite honestly. I despise the notion of networking and self-promotion anyway and I feel suspicious about using any of the techniques so commonly employed by the mediocre. I'm still intending to take a break from school for the summer to get that album put together and I'm still going to Omaha in Sept. with Matt and his songs more or less to see what happens there. It isn't going to surprise me if some accident happens where just the thing I've desired will appear once I stop actively desiring (or seeking) it.
With that saltiness behind me, because that needed to vented in, we can move on.
There was a quote in my last abnormal psych textbook I really liked: "The image in which I create myself in order for me to love myself is quite different from the image I create for others to love me." It struck me when I read and it made me realize that perhaps all of the separate lives, the separate images and selves that seem to develop from place to place all need to be reconciled though not for the sake of achieving some sense of "completion" but rather having something somewhat self-contained in which any energy invested into it would not be scattered. Indeed, my main concern upon returning will be reconciling my own issues and continuing to move in my own direction. The scenes can continue to degenerate because in a way, they deserve to and I don't really envy any of my... I think "contemporaries" will serve as the proper euphemism. Talking with zingibar in person again reaffirms a lot of this because it seems we both have grown rather tired of people going into their 30s and not shaking away attitudes that should've disappeared by the time they reached their mid-20s.
What it comes to, however, is that when all is said and done, despite whatever disappointments or depressions come about, I'm finding that I'm honestly LIKING myself more than perhaps I've ever had and that I LIKE whoever this is I seem to evolving into. Perhaps that's a bit ironic and with the reactions I tend to get, one would assume that I'd be evolving into some kind of asshole. But anyway, I like that I'm growing to like myself and that there are things I can look forward to that can be actively pursued. A shame that the environments aren't completely supportive but I start university next week and looking at things now I'd have to say I'm doing fairly well for myself. I suppose we'll see what happens when I get back. Hopefully I won't be become harsher with particular dealings...