welcoming the chill of october
Hindsight, for me, is usually divided into two specific kinds of atmospheres; one of haze and one of crystallized spires. If made visual, I know exactly what it would look like; eerily colored clouds in distorted landscapes with ominous formations looming in between refracting any trace of light into unrecognizable reflections. Whatever they reflect could be anyone's guess and perhaps that's my job to sort them out.
The Fall term is in full swing and sure enough, I'm caught under the wheels of a juggernaut's momentum doing my best not to be crushed to death. Despite a week's worth of getting some six hours of sleep a night (which many are quick to tell me that six hours is apparently "indulgent"), I've made it through the first couple of weeks somewhat ok. This weekend, for instance, is going to be dedicated to finishing the first series of Stats assignments which, thankfully, is not nearly as daunting as it was in the spring potentially reminding me that it could be for the best that I'm left to my own devices right now as much as I really don't like it. What's more, Cara, a friend from Pittsburgh who used to play keyboards with me, visited for the weekend and while the visit was good, it nonetheless reminded me of the general sense of isolation that's permeated much of my experience with Portland. Contrasting experiences between Portland and Pittsburgh left a bitter taste in my mouth. I'm sure dealing with the loss of one of the handful of good friends I've made here didn't really help matters either.
The first night Cara was in town, we dropped by the Fez briefly so she could try legal absinthe in a club/bar setting for the first time. Because no one was available during the weekend, Cara was stuck with my schedule of doing the "Cinderella Flight" at midnight to catch the last bus home. Had she come earlier in the month, I would've set money aside for cab fare, as I warned her, but seeing as I have Biology lectures in the morning on weekends now, five hours of sleep plus three hours lectures plus the possible handling of chemicals is probably not a good idea. We spent the rest of the weekend, trekking the city on foot and recapping on the past two-and-a-half years. It doesn't surprise me that Pittsburgh hasn't changed all that much and yet we visibly have. As I'm finding much to my chagrin, Pittsburgh and Portland are very similar and more and more, as people around my age become settled in with their lives and with the ways they think the world works, I'm finding myself more and more out of step with my contemporaries. They all wish to be left alone yet wired to everything, isolated and self-sufficient, complete with home-tended gardens and chickens so they don't have to deal with anyone unlike themselves. It doesn't surprise me that most of them have escaped from fairly-religious, middle-class, conservative backgrounds; they act just like them regardless of the seeming "opposite" manner in which they dress, what music they listen to, who they vote for, and what they eat. It also doesn't surprise me at all that I have no vegan friends here as my experience dictates they don't like dealing with non-vegans if they can possibly avoid it. And then there are my friends here, all of them carnivores, who instinctively feel they have to tiptoe around me when the subject of my not eating meat comes up because they've been so conditioned by those prevailing attitudes. Never mind the fact that I could have my own reasons for having a slightly different diet (as if it was REALLY THAT IMPORTANT) than others.
During much of the tour I gave, I felt guilty because when it came down to it, other than my favorite spots (which is mostly locations and architecture, etc.), I didn't have too many nice things to say about Portland and I was aware that perhaps I wasn't the best tour-guide. Since Cara is mostly vegan (as in she doesn't go out of her way to eat egg or milk but won't turn it down completely all the time either), we figured we'd wander and look for some decent vegan eateries since a city like Portland shouldn't be lacking of anything like that. I felt bad because I couldn't really show her anything. This was from a combination of not knowing too many spots (because they're mostly small and their clientele keep in circles small enough to maintain their business with just them) and that the ones I know about serve lousy food at ridiculous prices and the waitstaff are not exactly the friendliest of people (amateurishly-made food, made without expensive things like butter, milk, and egg should NOT cost as much or more than ordering meat dishes at other restaurants). Luckily, a friend of hers from art school was going to take her around Belmont, an area I know little about, and went to a place called Paradox, which was supposed to be one of the better vegan eateries that's fairly priced. Cara wasn't all that impressed and that didn't surprise me. Apparently, if you want the finest vegan food in Portland, you're going to have to come to me and convince me to cook for you (since I only use milk when I bake and egg and cheese are toppings that I don't put on anything until the end so they're easy to omit, etc.). Unfortunately, there wasn't any chance of getting to my apartment to do that.
Nonetheless, I did have a good time, granted Cara was exhausted from having to keep up at my usual pace ("how the hell do you deal with all these bus changes and being on your feet all the time??"). It also helped to talk with someone who's known me for a little while on different terms as we contrasted the changes from Portland and Pittsburgh. Right now, she's working for a vitamin shop and is finding herself stumbling into nutrition, an usual turn for someone with a fair amount of graphic design and artistic training and I'm in the strange position where I'm working for a financial institution, leading a completely different life than I had anticipated, even taking up new hobbies which I hadn't taken before and finding that much of the roads to anything I feel passionate in doing are fraught with ridiculous battles and, from hindsight, look like parodies of Sisyphus with his boulder.
"I hate to say this," Cara tells me as we're sitting in Backspace grabbing breakfast before her flight back to Pittsburgh, "But you almost seemed happier in Pittsburgh than you were here,"
"Well, to be fair, I DID just have a good friend of mine take his life not too long ago,"
"I know that, but you at least a small network of friends,"
"Who I only got to see and work with in very limited amounts under strenuous circumstances. I mean, are you asking me to come back to Pittsburgh so I can have you and Matt tell me you're too busy to make it practice or finish off a recording like before? And what's there? You remember how I lost my job? What am I supposed to do there? And what school? I pay ridiculous tuition prices from colleges that are only able to charge that much because of their proximity to CMU?"
"Well, we do miss you,"
"I know. And you people are some of my favorite people. But I can't be content with having a little bit of money left after the rent to just go out to the BBT and have these indie delusions of grandeur with everyone. There's NOTHING for me there,"
"What's for you here?"
"At this point, it's honestly just school. Even with my constant doubts and worries, as sad as that is, that's essentially it. After that, perhaps I will just pack up and head off to Europe,"
"So when do you finish your degree?"
"Well, it should've been finished by now since I'm not hurting for credits, but PSU wants me to earn 72 credits through them, so I'm going to say 2011,"
"And when you do think the earliest time would be for you to go ex-pat?"
"2012, at the earliest. I still would have student loans to pay off, so maybe a couple years or more. Something like that anyway,"
"And in the meantime?"
"I'm re-learning how to record and, with school, I don't think I'm going to be really producing anything until next year. So I guess after the disbursements, I start setting up a workspace after I sign the new lease (for another nine months),"
I'll being putting some pics up soon too, once I get the hang of everything. Perhaps an early New Year's resolution should be to be more technologically savvy.
The Fall term is in full swing and sure enough, I'm caught under the wheels of a juggernaut's momentum doing my best not to be crushed to death. Despite a week's worth of getting some six hours of sleep a night (which many are quick to tell me that six hours is apparently "indulgent"), I've made it through the first couple of weeks somewhat ok. This weekend, for instance, is going to be dedicated to finishing the first series of Stats assignments which, thankfully, is not nearly as daunting as it was in the spring potentially reminding me that it could be for the best that I'm left to my own devices right now as much as I really don't like it. What's more, Cara, a friend from Pittsburgh who used to play keyboards with me, visited for the weekend and while the visit was good, it nonetheless reminded me of the general sense of isolation that's permeated much of my experience with Portland. Contrasting experiences between Portland and Pittsburgh left a bitter taste in my mouth. I'm sure dealing with the loss of one of the handful of good friends I've made here didn't really help matters either.
The first night Cara was in town, we dropped by the Fez briefly so she could try legal absinthe in a club/bar setting for the first time. Because no one was available during the weekend, Cara was stuck with my schedule of doing the "Cinderella Flight" at midnight to catch the last bus home. Had she come earlier in the month, I would've set money aside for cab fare, as I warned her, but seeing as I have Biology lectures in the morning on weekends now, five hours of sleep plus three hours lectures plus the possible handling of chemicals is probably not a good idea. We spent the rest of the weekend, trekking the city on foot and recapping on the past two-and-a-half years. It doesn't surprise me that Pittsburgh hasn't changed all that much and yet we visibly have. As I'm finding much to my chagrin, Pittsburgh and Portland are very similar and more and more, as people around my age become settled in with their lives and with the ways they think the world works, I'm finding myself more and more out of step with my contemporaries. They all wish to be left alone yet wired to everything, isolated and self-sufficient, complete with home-tended gardens and chickens so they don't have to deal with anyone unlike themselves. It doesn't surprise me that most of them have escaped from fairly-religious, middle-class, conservative backgrounds; they act just like them regardless of the seeming "opposite" manner in which they dress, what music they listen to, who they vote for, and what they eat. It also doesn't surprise me at all that I have no vegan friends here as my experience dictates they don't like dealing with non-vegans if they can possibly avoid it. And then there are my friends here, all of them carnivores, who instinctively feel they have to tiptoe around me when the subject of my not eating meat comes up because they've been so conditioned by those prevailing attitudes. Never mind the fact that I could have my own reasons for having a slightly different diet (as if it was REALLY THAT IMPORTANT) than others.
During much of the tour I gave, I felt guilty because when it came down to it, other than my favorite spots (which is mostly locations and architecture, etc.), I didn't have too many nice things to say about Portland and I was aware that perhaps I wasn't the best tour-guide. Since Cara is mostly vegan (as in she doesn't go out of her way to eat egg or milk but won't turn it down completely all the time either), we figured we'd wander and look for some decent vegan eateries since a city like Portland shouldn't be lacking of anything like that. I felt bad because I couldn't really show her anything. This was from a combination of not knowing too many spots (because they're mostly small and their clientele keep in circles small enough to maintain their business with just them) and that the ones I know about serve lousy food at ridiculous prices and the waitstaff are not exactly the friendliest of people (amateurishly-made food, made without expensive things like butter, milk, and egg should NOT cost as much or more than ordering meat dishes at other restaurants). Luckily, a friend of hers from art school was going to take her around Belmont, an area I know little about, and went to a place called Paradox, which was supposed to be one of the better vegan eateries that's fairly priced. Cara wasn't all that impressed and that didn't surprise me. Apparently, if you want the finest vegan food in Portland, you're going to have to come to me and convince me to cook for you (since I only use milk when I bake and egg and cheese are toppings that I don't put on anything until the end so they're easy to omit, etc.). Unfortunately, there wasn't any chance of getting to my apartment to do that.
Nonetheless, I did have a good time, granted Cara was exhausted from having to keep up at my usual pace ("how the hell do you deal with all these bus changes and being on your feet all the time??"). It also helped to talk with someone who's known me for a little while on different terms as we contrasted the changes from Portland and Pittsburgh. Right now, she's working for a vitamin shop and is finding herself stumbling into nutrition, an usual turn for someone with a fair amount of graphic design and artistic training and I'm in the strange position where I'm working for a financial institution, leading a completely different life than I had anticipated, even taking up new hobbies which I hadn't taken before and finding that much of the roads to anything I feel passionate in doing are fraught with ridiculous battles and, from hindsight, look like parodies of Sisyphus with his boulder.
"I hate to say this," Cara tells me as we're sitting in Backspace grabbing breakfast before her flight back to Pittsburgh, "But you almost seemed happier in Pittsburgh than you were here,"
"Well, to be fair, I DID just have a good friend of mine take his life not too long ago,"
"I know that, but you at least a small network of friends,"
"Who I only got to see and work with in very limited amounts under strenuous circumstances. I mean, are you asking me to come back to Pittsburgh so I can have you and Matt tell me you're too busy to make it practice or finish off a recording like before? And what's there? You remember how I lost my job? What am I supposed to do there? And what school? I pay ridiculous tuition prices from colleges that are only able to charge that much because of their proximity to CMU?"
"Well, we do miss you,"
"I know. And you people are some of my favorite people. But I can't be content with having a little bit of money left after the rent to just go out to the BBT and have these indie delusions of grandeur with everyone. There's NOTHING for me there,"
"What's for you here?"
"At this point, it's honestly just school. Even with my constant doubts and worries, as sad as that is, that's essentially it. After that, perhaps I will just pack up and head off to Europe,"
"So when do you finish your degree?"
"Well, it should've been finished by now since I'm not hurting for credits, but PSU wants me to earn 72 credits through them, so I'm going to say 2011,"
"And when you do think the earliest time would be for you to go ex-pat?"
"2012, at the earliest. I still would have student loans to pay off, so maybe a couple years or more. Something like that anyway,"
"And in the meantime?"
"I'm re-learning how to record and, with school, I don't think I'm going to be really producing anything until next year. So I guess after the disbursements, I start setting up a workspace after I sign the new lease (for another nine months),"
I'll being putting some pics up soon too, once I get the hang of everything. Perhaps an early New Year's resolution should be to be more technologically savvy.