(no subject)
so cold, tired, restless...empty. heh unwanted? the taliban's are more wanted than i....i'm just off to bed, but doubt i'll sleep well...i've had a good few days sleep so its due to end now and the rough patch will begin again....lol though u could say the last few days were that, I've not really enjoyed christmas, I felt so alone, isolated and left out. Everyone here had a cooked breakfast christmas morning then sat around and opened presents...where was I? in bed...not one of them came to wake me up, I find it hard to wake up these days, I'm not concious of the time, day, where i am or whether im still actually a sleep or not. I lack the motivation to rise from my bed, hence why i've practically spent the last 5 days in it! ....boxing day,, I was told I could have a cooked breakfast seeing as i missed the one on christmas day.....did anyone come and wake me up???? ....monday, 4:15pm i came downstairs, the dog normally goes for her walk about 3:30....but she hadn't been, they waited til i got up, left the dog until i got up...yet they didnt come and fetch me, they didnt take the dog themselves, they were waiting for the last possibly minute to see if i would get up and take her....a theory i proved today cause i fucking kept my ass in bed till gone 4:30 which is when my mum finally came up to wake me up and tell me its ok, she's taking the dog now. Its like im not even apart of this family anymore, they just call on me when needed, expect me to be there to do MY chores even though they aren't, I only walk the dog cause i said i would lol my excuse for a smoke :) .....and well, people, friends, lol i keep having people asking me what im doing for new years eve? the same as people kept saying oh...go out with friends on xmas day....what friends?!?!? where? if i had them would i be sitting here bored to tears, scratching myself to death, sittings here motionless cause i'm so god damn bored i could just say fuck it i've had enough right here and right now. Yeh, its nice to see other people happy, but i hate it when they kinda rub it in, not that they realise.....like id ask how someone is and for the whole conversation all i'll hear is 'happy happy happy happy' like it dont matter, like they just expect me to be happy....if i could be happy i would!!! its not like i enjoy being this way. Or how people say they all there for you and not :( dont get me wrong, i dont want pity!! but i hate being told how some people will be there for me cause they want to be, but once they are off happy in their own lives, they dont want to know, they dont seem to care no more, everything is perfect and they dont get why im so low?! its only when they themselves are feeling that way they understand, stop and care, but as soon as thigns are worked out again, its oh lee, cheer up!!! .....i wish i fucking could!!! this is why i dont let anyone in, this is why i tell everyone i dont need them to care and would prefer it if they just went off in their own happy lil lives and forgot about me, didnt care about me....sure i want people to care, but its just hurts when they dont, gets me down when it seems they shut me out....one minute they want to know, the next they dont....so i tell people not to care, that'll be ok alone, i'd be better alone cause then i couldnt get misled, hurt, confused, pushed aside.......but who wants to be alone? :( .....its christmas and i have no one
Sorry if u read all that crap im just having a breakdown moment, again. im not sure how im gona cope with this one.........this feels like a biggy, i've been expecting it for weeks now, day by day i can feel it getting worse....i've been wanting it!! so much lately, i've tried so hard to fall that low.......heh, and i aint taking my meds either, doc told me not to, see how i cope!? wtf? im getting worse and she tells me to stop!? not that they did much good anyway....and i never wanted them anyway.......i hate happy fuckin holdiays lol.
Rant session over.....sorry for my poor english, but i can't be arsed................