(no subject)
Am i just kidding myself? everything is just becoming so much of a struggle lately. I can't keep to anything, I can't talk to anyone without wanting to bite their head off about how they treat me, if people didnt ignore me before, they most definitely are now, its no wonder most people i know wont meet up with us anymore lol. MY temper is getting the better of me, the funny side of it though (or maybe weird side) is that ive seen this day coming for a long long time. I used to shut all my anger, bad emotions off in to a corner of my mind, i'd always said one day it will be released and i just wont be able to control it. I'm losing it, i'm losing myself. Theres no one here anymore to help keep me together, to hold me up, to give me hope. People say you only need yourself...thats not completely true, can anyone honestly tell me they could get through life with no one? having no one there for you? not having that someone by your side to grow old with? by not having your friends around you when you need them? if that person wasnt there by your side listening to you and holding you up, comforting you and hugging you? any many would cope without anyone but yourself, day in day out. Sooner or later you'd just want your life to swallow you up whole and let happen what ever comes naturally....its getting to that point for me again, i dont know how much longer i can fight off the need. Recently the blade has rested in my hands a lot. There have been times when i've run the edge across my skin with out any harm, but its becoming more of a longing instant reaction, my mind just shuts off and i cant control what im about to do....i've been good for so long, i thought maybe i had got past this stage....maybe i was just delaying the in-evitable? ...no one can cope alone....there are far too many people around you always promisng you this and that....only in my life all them promises are always broken. My hope is willingly given by friends, and destroyed by them. I have no more hope for myself, I have no more dreams or wishes. I have no idea where i want my life to head. I am lost amid the darkness inside my mind and i can't get out. I'm dying on the inside.....or maybe i'm already dead? just stuck inside this worthless corpse? .....I'm currently not going on msn at the minute, i dont see the point anymore......maybe i should just let go off the online world, fade away into whats left of my real world....but then i fear i'd just fade away for good and no one would remember me, ask for me, ...be around for me...........xxx