Be Back in a Few Days.....Maybe!?
And as if things couldn't get any worse?!!! I swear I must of done something seriously wrong in this life or a previous one?!
Been seriously desperate for money all week...cause like i have none. But found out there was a stall on the market buying Videos for £1 each...ok, its only a £1 I know, but when your skint and the videos at home are doing nothing but gathering dust? it makes sense...so yesterday, we trundled off to town, 80 videos in hand! lol walked from the top of the shopping centre, down to the bottom....and the guy wasn't there!!! fucker!! lol....so back we went, and home we came....and i was pissed off, built up my hopes that i'd get some money, and only to be let back down (oooh that story sounds familiar)...
but anyway, to cut a long story short, I phoned the guy and read out the list of videos and he did agree to buy them all! and if we take them up this morning, he'll give us the money....so yeah *grins* his wife was there this morning and gave us the money...sadly only 45 videos were mine, so only £45 for me, the rest for my mum.....I owed some money to some people, went bowling today, leaves me with little over £20, which I'm planning on using to drag Cass out Saturday whether she likes it or not! =p lol.....ok, £20 wont get far, but its all i got and all i can afford, and I'd spend it all to get her out so i could see her, i know its lame..i mean £20!? lol, I used to laugh at that small amount...how long will that last? not long lol. well ok, £2 a double? will last a fair bit...
....and then this afternoon, in Hanley....fuck, was I pissed off. I was half a sleep...no, a sleep, lol, just got off the bus, wanted to be left alone, rich was with us though....but this youth started mouthing off at me! moi! 'what you fucking laffin at?'....I was laughing? at you? I can't remember that lol...but anyway, he kept shouting at us from across this busy street, threatening to 'beat us up' (ooooo im scared lol) for laughing at him....his gf walked off in a huff, he stormed over, started me right in the face, his cap sticking in my head, looking directly in my eyes trying to stare me out, threatening to smash my face in? mmmmmkay, whatever? look pal, I wasn't laughing at you, blah blah blah, just cool down and go away.....god!? am i the biggest wimp or what? ok, I know....i did the right thing, calmed things down, walked away, and not got into a fight....but now he thinks he got the better of me, he showed me up in a punblic place, and i just did fuck all!....now if he started on my mate? it be different, i'd have a reason to step in and kick his sorry little ass, like the lads that tried stealing 10p from my 7 yr old nephew lol.....but he was starting on me, and i just didnt care, I just wanted out, to go? ...and yet now, i'm pissed off and annoyed with me, cause all i can think about is pinning him against the wall, telling him to lay the fuck off, and reminding him of what i said with a swift right hook.....this has bugged me all afternoon :( ....I hate me sometimes grrrr
I was looking for this lad all afternoon lol, I wanted to hit him so much lol. but i'm just not the violent type....unless provoked...with good reason....then? hmm, i'm a different person altogether.
Ooooh, been having chest pains again today...a lot =[ ..just when i think they're gone, they come back, never fails. Got one right now? maybe it is stress related ....lol of course its stress related duuuuhh! lol, but why? its not a panic attack? its just a pain, and i got one right now =[ ....and yet the doctor still hasnt looked at it, i doubt he ever will....
:( and now Cass is giving me every excuse under the sun not to come out on Saturday...so i've sold my videos, got some money together to take her out, cause we said yeah, we'll go out on saturday....and now she might not becoming....if im lucky she might show, if not, maybe monday, if not maybe the next day and the next day and the next day and the next day, and i just give up. I was so looking forward to seeing her, she said she wants to, but maybe she doesn't see that these are the excuses i've always heard, i've always been told, and always been let down. I dont know how interested she really is, she says she misses me one minute, avoids the subject the next...I dont get people sometimes, they say they'll be there for me, but they never are, they'll always be around for me to talk to, cry on their shoulder, but i can never see them, some say they miss me!? and then ignore me. some say they love me, but never stop to actually talk to me, some say they want me around, wish i could be there with them.....but never invite me. so many promises, always broken, always left alone. and people wonder why i get so down, and get so down in myself, its because you! my 'friends' let me down, if this is how i'm treated, how do you expect me to think.....
I guess I shouldn't blame Cass...and i dont, i know its her first week working at Alton Towers and i'm real proud of her, and seriously happy she's enjoying it and loving it, things are going so well for her, thats cool :) I know money is tight, and i know she has to be up early sunday morning to go to work.....so why do i still feel so bad? so gutted? so let down? tis not her fault......I guess i'm just use to things not working out, to people not wanting me the way i'd want them to, to never be the top of anyones priority, I am always second or last. I long for the day someone will put me first, do things for me, Cass? she's been great, meeting her has been the best thing that could happen to me in a long time, and i hope it continues. I seriously do. I miss her. even as a friend. We live so close yet so far away. But i'm still not sure how she feels? do i have to keep on guessing? i'm tired of guessing, tired of playing cat and mouse, tired of being pushed aside like i dont really matter....people say they care, they really do, but at the minute its all talk, it always has been. so many words, so full of love, yet i'm still so alone, so used, abused and bruised. Maybe today has just been a bad day? maybe i'll feel better tomorrow? or the day after, or the day after, or the day after, or!?...I know, Cass can do a lot better than me, i'm pathetic...seriously, but i'd try to be all i could, to anyone. but ahh....i just need to stop this now, my head is just too ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i'm gona go offline for a few days again, tis that time when i just need to be alone. if i can survive that long.
xx
Been seriously desperate for money all week...cause like i have none. But found out there was a stall on the market buying Videos for £1 each...ok, its only a £1 I know, but when your skint and the videos at home are doing nothing but gathering dust? it makes sense...so yesterday, we trundled off to town, 80 videos in hand! lol walked from the top of the shopping centre, down to the bottom....and the guy wasn't there!!! fucker!! lol....so back we went, and home we came....and i was pissed off, built up my hopes that i'd get some money, and only to be let back down (oooh that story sounds familiar)...
but anyway, to cut a long story short, I phoned the guy and read out the list of videos and he did agree to buy them all! and if we take them up this morning, he'll give us the money....so yeah *grins* his wife was there this morning and gave us the money...sadly only 45 videos were mine, so only £45 for me, the rest for my mum.....I owed some money to some people, went bowling today, leaves me with little over £20, which I'm planning on using to drag Cass out Saturday whether she likes it or not! =p lol.....ok, £20 wont get far, but its all i got and all i can afford, and I'd spend it all to get her out so i could see her, i know its lame..i mean £20!? lol, I used to laugh at that small amount...how long will that last? not long lol. well ok, £2 a double? will last a fair bit...
....and then this afternoon, in Hanley....fuck, was I pissed off. I was half a sleep...no, a sleep, lol, just got off the bus, wanted to be left alone, rich was with us though....but this youth started mouthing off at me! moi! 'what you fucking laffin at?'....I was laughing? at you? I can't remember that lol...but anyway, he kept shouting at us from across this busy street, threatening to 'beat us up' (ooooo im scared lol) for laughing at him....his gf walked off in a huff, he stormed over, started me right in the face, his cap sticking in my head, looking directly in my eyes trying to stare me out, threatening to smash my face in? mmmmmkay, whatever? look pal, I wasn't laughing at you, blah blah blah, just cool down and go away.....god!? am i the biggest wimp or what? ok, I know....i did the right thing, calmed things down, walked away, and not got into a fight....but now he thinks he got the better of me, he showed me up in a punblic place, and i just did fuck all!....now if he started on my mate? it be different, i'd have a reason to step in and kick his sorry little ass, like the lads that tried stealing 10p from my 7 yr old nephew lol.....but he was starting on me, and i just didnt care, I just wanted out, to go? ...and yet now, i'm pissed off and annoyed with me, cause all i can think about is pinning him against the wall, telling him to lay the fuck off, and reminding him of what i said with a swift right hook.....this has bugged me all afternoon :( ....I hate me sometimes grrrr
I was looking for this lad all afternoon lol, I wanted to hit him so much lol. but i'm just not the violent type....unless provoked...with good reason....then? hmm, i'm a different person altogether.
Ooooh, been having chest pains again today...a lot =[ ..just when i think they're gone, they come back, never fails. Got one right now? maybe it is stress related ....lol of course its stress related duuuuhh! lol, but why? its not a panic attack? its just a pain, and i got one right now =[ ....and yet the doctor still hasnt looked at it, i doubt he ever will....
:( and now Cass is giving me every excuse under the sun not to come out on Saturday...so i've sold my videos, got some money together to take her out, cause we said yeah, we'll go out on saturday....and now she might not becoming....if im lucky she might show, if not, maybe monday, if not maybe the next day and the next day and the next day and the next day, and i just give up. I was so looking forward to seeing her, she said she wants to, but maybe she doesn't see that these are the excuses i've always heard, i've always been told, and always been let down. I dont know how interested she really is, she says she misses me one minute, avoids the subject the next...I dont get people sometimes, they say they'll be there for me, but they never are, they'll always be around for me to talk to, cry on their shoulder, but i can never see them, some say they miss me!? and then ignore me. some say they love me, but never stop to actually talk to me, some say they want me around, wish i could be there with them.....but never invite me. so many promises, always broken, always left alone. and people wonder why i get so down, and get so down in myself, its because you! my 'friends' let me down, if this is how i'm treated, how do you expect me to think.....
I guess I shouldn't blame Cass...and i dont, i know its her first week working at Alton Towers and i'm real proud of her, and seriously happy she's enjoying it and loving it, things are going so well for her, thats cool :) I know money is tight, and i know she has to be up early sunday morning to go to work.....so why do i still feel so bad? so gutted? so let down? tis not her fault......I guess i'm just use to things not working out, to people not wanting me the way i'd want them to, to never be the top of anyones priority, I am always second or last. I long for the day someone will put me first, do things for me, Cass? she's been great, meeting her has been the best thing that could happen to me in a long time, and i hope it continues. I seriously do. I miss her. even as a friend. We live so close yet so far away. But i'm still not sure how she feels? do i have to keep on guessing? i'm tired of guessing, tired of playing cat and mouse, tired of being pushed aside like i dont really matter....people say they care, they really do, but at the minute its all talk, it always has been. so many words, so full of love, yet i'm still so alone, so used, abused and bruised. Maybe today has just been a bad day? maybe i'll feel better tomorrow? or the day after, or the day after, or the day after, or!?...I know, Cass can do a lot better than me, i'm pathetic...seriously, but i'd try to be all i could, to anyone. but ahh....i just need to stop this now, my head is just too ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i'm gona go offline for a few days again, tis that time when i just need to be alone. if i can survive that long.
xx