(no subject)
I won't shiver in the cold,
I won't let the shadows take their toll,
I won't cover my head in the dark,
And I won't forget you when we part
Collapse the light into Earth
I won't heal, given time,
and I won't try to change your mind,
I won't feel better in the cold light of day,
But I wouldn't stop you, if you wanted to stay
I've been feeling pretty down lately, as though my life is in a rut that I can't quite seem to escape... it's a compilation of things that has me in this state of mind, and everyone knows how it is when problems snowball in your life. I am nowhere near the end of my rope... as far as I can tell, there IS no end to my rope... which is an ever-frustrating problem, because I take so much beating and I have so many footprints on the back of my clothes, and yet I cannot seem to summon sufficient anger, or courage, or resolve, to DO anything about it. I care, I care I care I CARE about it, but I can't seem to care ENOUGH to the point that I will make a change.
Today I opened up my availability at work a bit, despite the fact that going to work makes me feel like ripping the hairs from my head, or screaming, or just curling up into the fetal position. Despite the fact that walking into work is like walking into an energy-sucking vortex that leaves me tired, frustrated and always, always lonely. I ask myself time and again, why I torment myself thus, why I endure. Why am I so good at enduring? I guess I get that from my dad. Many people would probably say I'm lucky... heh...
I'll tell you why. Habit. Familiarity. Fear of change. Lack of resolve. Lack of back bone?
And to top it all off, after this horrible day I've had, I came home and tried to talk with David about it. I tried to, I don't know, garner some support from the man. I told him, I have been going with the flow rather than carving my own path in life. I've been riding the waves rather than creating my own. I've been working a job for 3 and a half years that I cannot stand, when I could have spent the last few years doing something at least relatively enjoyable. And I told him, that I -need- him to start applying for a job more actively, because I AM reaching the end of my rope where that is concerned. You know what he said? "I don't want to have this conversation. It's such a downer...." and goes, sits at his computer, and starts playing a game with his friends. I was rendered speechless, and had to leave the room before my head exploded.
I was just talking the other day to my friend Meghan about how I am absolutely certain that I want to marry this man and spend the rest of my life with him. That I can see myself as an old woman, telling jokes with him and laughing at each other's farts. Supporting each other every step of the way as our memories fail and our bodies wither. And this is the support I receive, over something that I am having a hard time shouldering, among the other things I shoulder in silence throughout my life? How? Why? .... Why?
I have no words left. I tried to cry, I tried to fume, I tried to smolder, and all I can feel is empty.
Edit: I talked with David about what he did and how I felt about it, after he stopped playing games with his friends that night... so yeah, that was fixed quickly enough. David and I don't fight like, ever.... I can think of 1, maybe 2 arguments we've had in the entire 4 (and a few months) years that I've lived here with him. So when it does happen, we usually try to nip it in the bud right then and there. which is what is supposed to happen in relationships, right? ^__^
I won't let the shadows take their toll,
I won't cover my head in the dark,
And I won't forget you when we part
Collapse the light into Earth
I won't heal, given time,
and I won't try to change your mind,
I won't feel better in the cold light of day,
But I wouldn't stop you, if you wanted to stay
I've been feeling pretty down lately, as though my life is in a rut that I can't quite seem to escape... it's a compilation of things that has me in this state of mind, and everyone knows how it is when problems snowball in your life. I am nowhere near the end of my rope... as far as I can tell, there IS no end to my rope... which is an ever-frustrating problem, because I take so much beating and I have so many footprints on the back of my clothes, and yet I cannot seem to summon sufficient anger, or courage, or resolve, to DO anything about it. I care, I care I care I CARE about it, but I can't seem to care ENOUGH to the point that I will make a change.
Today I opened up my availability at work a bit, despite the fact that going to work makes me feel like ripping the hairs from my head, or screaming, or just curling up into the fetal position. Despite the fact that walking into work is like walking into an energy-sucking vortex that leaves me tired, frustrated and always, always lonely. I ask myself time and again, why I torment myself thus, why I endure. Why am I so good at enduring? I guess I get that from my dad. Many people would probably say I'm lucky... heh...
I'll tell you why. Habit. Familiarity. Fear of change. Lack of resolve. Lack of back bone?
And to top it all off, after this horrible day I've had, I came home and tried to talk with David about it. I tried to, I don't know, garner some support from the man. I told him, I have been going with the flow rather than carving my own path in life. I've been riding the waves rather than creating my own. I've been working a job for 3 and a half years that I cannot stand, when I could have spent the last few years doing something at least relatively enjoyable. And I told him, that I -need- him to start applying for a job more actively, because I AM reaching the end of my rope where that is concerned. You know what he said? "I don't want to have this conversation. It's such a downer...." and goes, sits at his computer, and starts playing a game with his friends. I was rendered speechless, and had to leave the room before my head exploded.
I was just talking the other day to my friend Meghan about how I am absolutely certain that I want to marry this man and spend the rest of my life with him. That I can see myself as an old woman, telling jokes with him and laughing at each other's farts. Supporting each other every step of the way as our memories fail and our bodies wither. And this is the support I receive, over something that I am having a hard time shouldering, among the other things I shoulder in silence throughout my life? How? Why? .... Why?
I have no words left. I tried to cry, I tried to fume, I tried to smolder, and all I can feel is empty.
Edit: I talked with David about what he did and how I felt about it, after he stopped playing games with his friends that night... so yeah, that was fixed quickly enough. David and I don't fight like, ever.... I can think of 1, maybe 2 arguments we've had in the entire 4 (and a few months) years that I've lived here with him. So when it does happen, we usually try to nip it in the bud right then and there. which is what is supposed to happen in relationships, right? ^__^