"The game of life is hard to play. I'm going to lose it anyway."
Things are still on the downslide. I was hoping that I could sit here and rave about how things are getting better and how I'm finally getting a foot ahead in life but I really can't. So much shit going on and not one fucking thing looking up.
Kevin went for his first chemo treatment which went well but he's still going to lose all his hair. In addition to all that Maureen and Chuck have to worry about where Kevin is concerned, yesterday Chuck was hospitalized for chest pains. I've become so numbed by bad news that all I can do anymore is wonder where the fuck did we all go so wrong? What did we do to deserve to see our family be destroyed like this?
On top of that, I've been waking up in anxiety attacks without knowing why. I can't remember my dreams so I don't know if it's caused by that or not. The only thing I can think of is stress from a certain situation that just started 2 nights ago. I pissed off Michael's ex/baby mama by sticking up for his aunt so she retaliated by sending me a vicious email about how he's been cheating on me with her pretty much nonstop. I know this is bullshit but it stings none-the-less. Michael and I are fine now (after about 3 hours of me screaming, throwing shit, pulling computer plugs out of the wall, and running out of the house) but I still can't help but to have the feeling that especially now I have to look out for myself and Landon. I really thought (and still kind of do) that this relationship was it. That finally I found my rock who isn't going to fuck me over. I have a nasty habit of trusting the wrong people with my heart and so help me God if this pattern is continuing. I don't think I can handle another heartbreak. Not with all this other shit going on and not with how much I've placed my trust in his hands.
I'm still out of the job. Ms Kessler said that if I still can't find one by our next meeting, she'll put me back on general assistance. I've done everything I can think of. I went to Cumberland Farms, I've called around to all the bars listed in the Classifieds, I've even tried getting ahold of Nick (Nick's Jersey Pub). Fucking nothing. No calls back, no pick-ups when I call back for the 3rd time, nothing.
I just can't fucking win.
Kevin went for his first chemo treatment which went well but he's still going to lose all his hair. In addition to all that Maureen and Chuck have to worry about where Kevin is concerned, yesterday Chuck was hospitalized for chest pains. I've become so numbed by bad news that all I can do anymore is wonder where the fuck did we all go so wrong? What did we do to deserve to see our family be destroyed like this?
On top of that, I've been waking up in anxiety attacks without knowing why. I can't remember my dreams so I don't know if it's caused by that or not. The only thing I can think of is stress from a certain situation that just started 2 nights ago. I pissed off Michael's ex/baby mama by sticking up for his aunt so she retaliated by sending me a vicious email about how he's been cheating on me with her pretty much nonstop. I know this is bullshit but it stings none-the-less. Michael and I are fine now (after about 3 hours of me screaming, throwing shit, pulling computer plugs out of the wall, and running out of the house) but I still can't help but to have the feeling that especially now I have to look out for myself and Landon. I really thought (and still kind of do) that this relationship was it. That finally I found my rock who isn't going to fuck me over. I have a nasty habit of trusting the wrong people with my heart and so help me God if this pattern is continuing. I don't think I can handle another heartbreak. Not with all this other shit going on and not with how much I've placed my trust in his hands.
I'm still out of the job. Ms Kessler said that if I still can't find one by our next meeting, she'll put me back on general assistance. I've done everything I can think of. I went to Cumberland Farms, I've called around to all the bars listed in the Classifieds, I've even tried getting ahold of Nick (Nick's Jersey Pub). Fucking nothing. No calls back, no pick-ups when I call back for the 3rd time, nothing.
I just can't fucking win.