closure in friendships
I've been thinking a lot about closure and ending friendships. There are friendships in my life that have faded over time. Sometimes it seemed a natural growing apart, but other times, like the one that has prompted to write about it here, strikes me as completely unexpected. In romances, while its sad to find someone drop off suddenly, it isn't completely unusual. I've done it myself and don't really regret it. But friendships seem so pure, it feels sadder than a break up really. Perhaps I am naive to think that friendship has no ulterior motives, but this really did feel like the most natural connection. As with partners, there people out there that you quickly realize are "the one," the one meant to be your friend. You'll share many memories, adventures and emotions with them. You'll spend time talking for hours with them, sympathizing, emphasizing and simply finding comfort in each others voices.
I haven't been the most diligent about keeping in touch with this friend, but I've made several attempts. I've called a handful of times and left messages, hoping for a returned phone call that never came. The main difference I've noticed in this situation and the romantic entanglements I've had in the past is that with romances, the unreturned phone call is more immediately noticeable, but soon enough forgotten. Here, I'll go about my days as I normally do, but every once in a while I'll remember that I still haven't heard back, and it hurts even more. I keep thinking about it. Was it something I did? Was I bad friend? More than anything else, I see it as reflection on myself, a personal failure. I want to finally reach them, cry and apologize for whatever I must have done, I'm that desperate to have them in my life again.
I think about everything that has happened to me since we last spoke. I think about how much of my life you've missed, and how much I've missed of yours. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart in way unlike anything else. It's not a stab or a quick punch as I've felt before, but a slow crackling, a deterioration. In June, I had a not-quite-platonic friend visit me, essentially ruin my birthday and completely insult me. I found comfort in other friends, I couldn't bear to talk about it again for so long and by when I eventually did, so much time had passed I didn't even know what to say on the subject. I also felt guilty, guilty for not reaching out to you earlier, for not seeking comfort in you. In July I quit my job and traveled to Greece. I wish I could tell you about everything I saw, about how amazing it was. How standing amidst the ruins made me cry, how connected I felt with history and humanity, how small I felt and yet how special and accomplished. I wanted to tell you especially, because I think you would have understood the feeling.
Shortly before leaving the country, a friend of mine here was diagnosed with cancer. I wanted to tell you how scary it is to be 23 and think about something like that. To eagerly await news about test results and wonder what's going to happen, to hear about radiation treatments and surgery. I wish I had told you how weird it is that we talk almost everyday but I haven't seen him since the night before his first doctor's visit on the subject.
In August I started grad school. I wish I could tell you about all my new friends and everything I'm learning. You and I always liked to talk about academics and cool things we were studying. I've wanted to let you in on everything I've been doing in school. At around the same time, I started seeing someone. I wish I could tell you the funny story about how we met, what he's like, the jokes he makes, the things I don't understand, how when I call him "my boyfriend," it feels warm but also a little strange (it feels kind of like when a new president takes office or the year changes you keep wanting to write the old year on your papers for the next couple weeks. I'm not sure what that says about me). I wish I could talk things through with you, but also have you totally not understand some things with me. We would talk about how it completely baffles us and is utterly beyond comprehension.
I'm living at home now, it feels oddly comfortable. Surprisingly, it works, but I end up driving a lot. I want to tell you inane details like that. It's not like I don't have other people to talk to. I do, I'm never at a loss, but any disappearing friendship is a loss. Friends are such gifts we have, especially when its so natural as it was with us. I don't know what happened, other than time...but time is a small thing really. It can catch up and keep on going.
This is for a certain person. I hope you read this and know who you are, but I really really hope you call me and we can catch up. I've missed you more than I can express.
I haven't been the most diligent about keeping in touch with this friend, but I've made several attempts. I've called a handful of times and left messages, hoping for a returned phone call that never came. The main difference I've noticed in this situation and the romantic entanglements I've had in the past is that with romances, the unreturned phone call is more immediately noticeable, but soon enough forgotten. Here, I'll go about my days as I normally do, but every once in a while I'll remember that I still haven't heard back, and it hurts even more. I keep thinking about it. Was it something I did? Was I bad friend? More than anything else, I see it as reflection on myself, a personal failure. I want to finally reach them, cry and apologize for whatever I must have done, I'm that desperate to have them in my life again.
I think about everything that has happened to me since we last spoke. I think about how much of my life you've missed, and how much I've missed of yours. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart in way unlike anything else. It's not a stab or a quick punch as I've felt before, but a slow crackling, a deterioration. In June, I had a not-quite-platonic friend visit me, essentially ruin my birthday and completely insult me. I found comfort in other friends, I couldn't bear to talk about it again for so long and by when I eventually did, so much time had passed I didn't even know what to say on the subject. I also felt guilty, guilty for not reaching out to you earlier, for not seeking comfort in you. In July I quit my job and traveled to Greece. I wish I could tell you about everything I saw, about how amazing it was. How standing amidst the ruins made me cry, how connected I felt with history and humanity, how small I felt and yet how special and accomplished. I wanted to tell you especially, because I think you would have understood the feeling.
Shortly before leaving the country, a friend of mine here was diagnosed with cancer. I wanted to tell you how scary it is to be 23 and think about something like that. To eagerly await news about test results and wonder what's going to happen, to hear about radiation treatments and surgery. I wish I had told you how weird it is that we talk almost everyday but I haven't seen him since the night before his first doctor's visit on the subject.
In August I started grad school. I wish I could tell you about all my new friends and everything I'm learning. You and I always liked to talk about academics and cool things we were studying. I've wanted to let you in on everything I've been doing in school. At around the same time, I started seeing someone. I wish I could tell you the funny story about how we met, what he's like, the jokes he makes, the things I don't understand, how when I call him "my boyfriend," it feels warm but also a little strange (it feels kind of like when a new president takes office or the year changes you keep wanting to write the old year on your papers for the next couple weeks. I'm not sure what that says about me). I wish I could talk things through with you, but also have you totally not understand some things with me. We would talk about how it completely baffles us and is utterly beyond comprehension.
I'm living at home now, it feels oddly comfortable. Surprisingly, it works, but I end up driving a lot. I want to tell you inane details like that. It's not like I don't have other people to talk to. I do, I'm never at a loss, but any disappearing friendship is a loss. Friends are such gifts we have, especially when its so natural as it was with us. I don't know what happened, other than time...but time is a small thing really. It can catch up and keep on going.
This is for a certain person. I hope you read this and know who you are, but I really really hope you call me and we can catch up. I've missed you more than I can express.