Main Export: Dismay
This is your captain speaking. Captain TenPants. Captain Jerome Walkins TenPants, Made Of Cheese. The kind of cheese that's delicious, and full of shards of glass. So biting into it results in either goodness or blood, but invariably in a profuse amount. It has come to my attention that A Fleet Of Japanese Battle Robots is advancing on our fine town of Spackletania, and in response I have decided, after no deliberation whatsoever, to instate a draft. All ugly people, all useless people, all ugly useless people who think they can draw good but can actually not, are to report to the newly constructed Civillian Barracks downtown. It is the building encrusted with diamonds. There, you will be assigned your defense post to guard the Priceless Jade Anthill which I personally stole from the Emporer the last time he had a party. It was pictured on the episode of MTV's "Cribs" when they went to his Dojo, along with his sweet Coy Pond and his new Apple dual-processor G5 which he uses to make those hilarious Photoshop projects. This is what the Battle Robots have come to retrieve, and this is what they will most certainly not acquire, even if I have to sacrifice the lives of every ugly, fat, bad drawing motherfucker in this town.
JOIN THE FIGHT.
JOIN THE FIGHT.