"Take another motherfucking hit of LSD, let all the love inside the world belong to you."
"Sacrifice"- Martha Elizabeth Cundiff
I'd like to continue and try and comfort the world by telling everyone that everything will work out in their lives, just like it will in mine. I'm getting a very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. My world is trying to change and I'm being left behind because I'm not opening my eyes up enough to see it. This is really starting to make me an angry and bitter person.
So, this is the new year? It should have been more special than this. But, I guess there's always next year.
I've been closely examining everyone I talk to recently. I need to see the people around me for who they are, instead of who I percieve them to be. Not too surprisenly, I've figured out who still has their innocence and who needs to mature to understand me, but who I don't want to have to do that because understanding me means your life is pretty fucked up, and I don't wish that on anyone.
In retrospect, I warned people that getting involved in my life would place immense emotional baggage on them, because it's what I carry around with me all the time and if you really want to be that close to me, it's something I can't hide from you. Didn't I warn people about that? If not, I should have.
I repeat it over and over and over. Yet I still know that people read it, hear it, avoid it. I can't be anymore straightfoward about me life than I have tried to be in the past month or two.
I've got to patch things with my mom and get a job so I can establish credit and get into college, or at least get a car and insurance and start trying to sell my stories. I don't want to wast my life and be that lazy, mooching motherfucker who comes around and annoys people. I want Justin to find someone and get over Rebecca. If it's meant to happen, it will. I wish he would let it go, and anytime he thinks of her by some little thing, he would smile for the good times and not be down and depressed missing her. I wish that people would stop giving me shit about smoking also. I quit, but then all this shit happened and I started again. It's either I smoke or put a gun to my head. I'm not using that as an excuse, I'm just so sick and tired of debating it anymore. I know the risks, I know it takes years off my life, and I don't care. I don't plan on living past 30-40 tops anyway. I've said this before. Don't interupt my mind frame damnit. I'd like to give Alex's father his payback for hitting me. And I don't mean physically assaulting him. I'm not a violent person by nature...I don't know.
I'd like to go out to Steger more. You know what one of my problems is? I've spent too much time in the same basic setup, disassociating myself with those who I used to talk to, whether by accident or consiquence, and I hate having that happen.
So...
I was asked questions just the other day that I know the answers to, but can't answer because I don't know what triggered them to be asked. I have a hard time reading people's motivations for the thoughts they possess. I think that's prying more into their head then they ever could into mine, but it's still something I wonder about. As I said, I'm highly insecure and a jealous person by habit. So anything that triggers such things sends me into a frenzy of contimplation and then that feeling of "the hell with it" comes to mind...and oh, the hell I've started with that train of thought.
I feel like spitting on my own life right now and smearing it just to see what develops from it.
~
I'm supposed to go see Hostel with Alex and Justin today...and...who else? I dunno. Alex's mom was started to be a bitch about it. If that whole thing actually happens, I'll be very surprised. After that I think I'm going back home and then Saturday going to see Alex at the bowling alley, assuming nothing gets complicated at home and stops that from happening.
I hate complications. I hate having consiquence. "Well if there was no consiquence, it would be pure anarchy." Sometimes that doesn't sound like a bad thing. I'm not an anarchist really, but shit....I can nod in agreement at some of their reasons.
I'm done with this particular exchange of thought and word association. Ciao hellions.
~J.D.~