Badfic Corner: WARNING BIG OOCNESS
It's time for a badfic! This one is about FFVII characters. You know it's gonna be good when the title is "Night of terrors even though it's day time." It just gets better from here.
The very first words of the obligatory author's note at the beginning are "WARNING: BIG OOCNESS." In caps. I don't know where to start with this one. The idea that writing characters ooc is okay so long as you warn the reader first? The word "oocness?"
First sentence of the story: "It was night time and yadda yadda, Tifa was washing the dishes and yadda yadda in the bar and yadda yadda yadda yadda." Well, we all know Shakespeare's favorite word was yadda yadda yadda. It packs a really powerful descriptive punch.
***
She stopped when Cloud came in the exhausted from his delivery work that he fell on the floor snoring. ..."Me need bed…. Now…..” He said.
"Me no speeky Eenglish... when me is tired...or maybe me is just...stupid..." But maybe it's ok, because he's not just exhausted...he's the exhausted. He's the platonic form of exhaustion.
***
The author needed a reason to make Tifa and Cloud sleep together, so she pulled some chocobos out of a hat...literally.
She slowly took him to his room and opened the door showing that it was infested with little chocobos jumping everywhere in his room and laying eggs in his bed. “What? What are they doing there?” Cloud asked.
“Well… they were trying to fly to the south but the south maybe was hotter?” (Wait. If the south's hotter, that's a good thing. It's what they're looking for).
“…They don’t go to the south.” Burn.
***
“Okay, so I don’t know what there doing here.” She said.
What's the matter, never seen a bad plot device before? ::ignores the crime against capitalization and punctuation::
***
Below follows the worst dialogue I have seen since "beware the bark lord."
... “….Well…” Tifa responded while blushing a little. “There’s my room.”
“…Yours?”
“Of course…"
“What about you?”
“Oh I’ll find a way.” She said in a happy tone. Cloud looked at her in an odd sorta way.
Oh come on, how stupid does Cloud have to be not to get this when she's practically hitting him over the head with a hammer. Sorta.
She smiled again that it started to freak him out. “Tifa are you-…..Oh…. I got it.” He said.
...Tifa talks like a 12 year old, and Cloud talks like a retarded 12 year old. This really makes me want to go play FFVII now.
***
But before she could open it she heard voices that sounded like… moaning. It continued that it scared her.
I can see her being embarrassed, disgusted, and annoyed. Scared? Not so much. Now on the other hand, this grammar continues that it scares me.
She instantly opened the door finding two people sleeping with each other in Tifa’s bed under the blankets. What she saw on the floor right beside the bed were the clothes of Cloud and Tifa.
What I'm reading is this fic of the author that is not the best of the fics that are out there.
***
And now, the shit hits the fan.
Tifa heard the door open and checked who was it. Right after she saw Marlene that’s when she realizes that things are about to get worst while she covered herself. Wow, things must be getting really bad if they're worst, not just worse.
As for Denzil, he was finally ready to make the pancakes flip. “Finally… no interruption. I get to flip this thing.” Dude, it's like, zen and the art of pancake making.
He raised the pan and got ready to flip it till he heard Marlene screaming out loud that he lost concentration that the pancake got stuck in the ceiling…. Again.
He was so surprised that Marlene wasn't screaming silently as usual that with his amazing kung fu skills, he managed to wedge a soft, floppy pancake an inch deep into the ceiling without even trying.
Tifa’s face turned extremely red that she looked like the reddest radish. “What the…?”
Everyone turned, wondering who said "What the..." Was it Tifa, who looked like the reddest radish? Or maybe Cloud, who looked like a somewhat less red (but still red) radish? Or maybe it was Denzil, still trying to figure out how he managed to get a pancake stuck in the roof, or how Marlene managed to scream out loud. Or maybe Marlene was just really slow on the uptake and was just figuring out what Tifa and Cloud were doing.
***
“Oops… well… I promised her that I wouldn’t sleep with a guy till I’m… married.”
Uh...WTF? Yes, there are these really disturbing Christian events were little girls (like, about 5 or 6) promise their dads that they won't have premarital sex. (As if a, they knew what they were promising and b, there weren't weird Freudian overtones to the whole thing). But at least you're promising an adult authority figure who is supposed to want you to make such a promise. Why would Tifa promise Marlene something like that? And why does Marlene give a crap?
“Tifa…” Cloud said while slapping his hand on his face. “Why didn’t you keep that?”
He's slapping his hand on his face (I believe that's called a facepalm). Does that mean he thinks she shouldn't have slept with him? Couldn't have been that good, then.
“I forgot.”
...wtf.
“You should never promise a little girl that you’ll never have sex with a guy till your married. That’s almost hard to keep!” Cloud shouted.
Don't worry, Cloud, it's only almost hard.
***
Marlene was in her room for almost a week which freaked every FFVII characters out a lot.
Every? What, even the bosses?
Also, It weirds me out that the author refers to them as FFVII characters like this. It breaks my suspension of disbelief and makes me wonder if they know they're characters, because they certainly wouldn't refer to themselves that way.
For Barret it seems like right now it’s impossible to ground Marlene. It’s like she completely change. Now she was scary, really scary that she dressing up with black clothes!
Poor, poor Barret...he can't ground his daughter any more. And she's wearing really scary black clothes, which she managed to get without ever leaving her room (and thus being susceptible to grounding)! Horrors!
***
“You did “it”?” Vincent shouted. Dude, you're an adult. You can say the word "sex."
“You mean that you did it with Cloud?!” Barret shouted.
“…Chocking…cigarette!!” Cid shouts. Is that "shocking" or "choking?"
“Heimlich maneuver.” Yuffie shouted while helping Cid. I never knew just shouting the words "Heimlich maneuver" could clear someone's airways. Thanks, Yuffie!
He then spit the cigarette out while coughing. "That’s it!! I quit smoking!!” He said while smashing the box of cigarette. Just like that. Who knew quitting smoking was so easy?
“Tifa! You should never promise anything like that! Anyone can have sex at any moment without control!” Barret shouted.
Any moment without control? I can see it now. Barret is on the train with a bunch of random strangers. Suddenly he feels an irrisistible urge to have sex, so, without control, he does so with the person sitting next to him.
***
“Open this F door or I’ll destroy it!!” Barret said while aiming at the door.
You're sure it's not an E door? And you're sure you want to shoot open the door to your daughter's room? That's pretty sketch.
***
“Is that a book for voodoo?”
“Yep.” She said. Vincent saw her holding a spoon which had a face and a fake wig making it look like Tifa. She put it in a jar of water and started to shake it. (Sorta like in Lilo and Stitch) “Tifa needs to be punished.”
...FFVII meets Lilo and Stitch meets inaccurate voodoo. Whyyyyyyyy?
***
“Marlene! Let go of that knife.” Vincent shouted.
“Not till I kill Tifa.” She said in a gothic tone.
What is a gothic tone?
***
“No one calls my Marlene like that!!” Barret shouts but then someone throws a knife grabbing Barrets collar shirt and pinned him in a wall. “What the &$?!!”
1) Wait. Did the person who threw a knife then walk over, grab Barret's shirt collar, and pin him to the wall? Or did the knife pin Barret to the wall by his shirt collar? The writing is so bad you can't tell.
2) It's a two-letter word! Two times worse than an ordinary four letter one.
“Time to get revenge.” She said. “I’m gonna kill you Tifa and you too, Cloud.” She said with an evil smile.
Yeah, because it totally makes sense to kill people over a stupid promise made thoughtlessly by a little kid.
“That’s not normal!!” Cid shouted. Holy crap, someone actually said something sane in this story. I think it might be turning into a goodfic! Time to stop reading?
Okay, no, it's bad again.
“Get ready to die!! All of you!!” She said. She threw a knife and went through Tifa’s chest! And then Yuffie was stabbed! Then Vincent was stabbed continually with twenty and I mean twenty knifes and killed him! Barret was skewered with two Masamune swords. Cid was shot eight times in the chest. Cloud freaked out and looked at the evil Marlene. “Your turn Cloud!”
Quick recap: Marlene goes incorporeal and goes through Tifa's chest. Then the weapons come alive and start attacking on their own. First something stabbed Yuffie, then twenty--I mean twenty knives, don't doubt me here--stabbed Vincent and killed him, while two Masamune swords skewered Barret, and a gun (presumably) shot Cid eight times in the chest. Meanwhile, Cloud just stands there, waiting his turn like an idiot.
***
So it turns out that it's all just a dream. Well, maybe. It's actually somewhat unclear how much of this is a dream and how much isn't. For instance, the author raises the possibility that Tifa did sleep with Cloud and Marlene was mad, but Marlene didn't try to kill him.
Regardless, it's unambiguously clear that Cloud has become crazy...because of a dream or two. Who would've thought the hero of a video game could be that easily undone?
“There after me! The killers are after me!” He panic.
“Uh, Cloud?” Yuffie called again.
“There after me!!” He shouted running around the bar. He was doing a few crazy things that Vincent had to put a stop to it. He aimed his gun at Cloud and shot him in the leg.
Yep...the things he was doing were so crazy that the author couldn't even describe them. And so crazy that his friend had to shoot him in the leg.
“How could you?” Marlene shouted. “I shot him with a tranquilizer dart.” He said. Does he keep tranquilizer darts in his gun all the time for just such emergencies? How often does stuff like this happen, anyway?
Cloud kept on running till he fell down the floor drooling like a crazy person. Uh, I'm pretty sure that tranquilizer darts don't work like that.
Cid and Barret then put him in a straight jacket and took him to a crazy hospital. Well, so long as it wasn't a zigzaggy jacket. I'm kind of shocked his friends would take him to a crazy hospital when there are plenty of perfectly sane ones out there, though. Maybe the hospitals should be put in a mental hospital/insane asylum, too?
Tifa visits Cloud a few times but all he could speak was gibberish. No one could understands a word he says. But Kadaj enjoyed it so much that he couldn’t leave the hospital. Kadaj is one strange person.
The doctor went back to Tifa.
You'd think this was the last line, but no...we have another author's note at the end. (Why do badfic writers insist on writing so many, and such long, author's notes? We don't care about the author, we care about the fic).
Is this the end of the spooky moment! No! There’s even more (Thunder crashing) Muahaha Muahahahahahahah!!
Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The very first words of the obligatory author's note at the beginning are "WARNING: BIG OOCNESS." In caps. I don't know where to start with this one. The idea that writing characters ooc is okay so long as you warn the reader first? The word "oocness?"
First sentence of the story: "It was night time and yadda yadda, Tifa was washing the dishes and yadda yadda in the bar and yadda yadda yadda yadda." Well, we all know Shakespeare's favorite word was yadda yadda yadda. It packs a really powerful descriptive punch.
***
She stopped when Cloud came in the exhausted from his delivery work that he fell on the floor snoring. ..."Me need bed…. Now…..” He said.
"Me no speeky Eenglish... when me is tired...or maybe me is just...stupid..." But maybe it's ok, because he's not just exhausted...he's the exhausted. He's the platonic form of exhaustion.
***
The author needed a reason to make Tifa and Cloud sleep together, so she pulled some chocobos out of a hat...literally.
She slowly took him to his room and opened the door showing that it was infested with little chocobos jumping everywhere in his room and laying eggs in his bed. “What? What are they doing there?” Cloud asked.
“Well… they were trying to fly to the south but the south maybe was hotter?” (Wait. If the south's hotter, that's a good thing. It's what they're looking for).
“…They don’t go to the south.” Burn.
***
“Okay, so I don’t know what there doing here.” She said.
What's the matter, never seen a bad plot device before? ::ignores the crime against capitalization and punctuation::
***
Below follows the worst dialogue I have seen since "beware the bark lord."
... “….Well…” Tifa responded while blushing a little. “There’s my room.”
“…Yours?”
“Of course…"
“What about you?”
“Oh I’ll find a way.” She said in a happy tone. Cloud looked at her in an odd sorta way.
Oh come on, how stupid does Cloud have to be not to get this when she's practically hitting him over the head with a hammer. Sorta.
She smiled again that it started to freak him out. “Tifa are you-…..Oh…. I got it.” He said.
...Tifa talks like a 12 year old, and Cloud talks like a retarded 12 year old. This really makes me want to go play FFVII now.
***
But before she could open it she heard voices that sounded like… moaning. It continued that it scared her.
I can see her being embarrassed, disgusted, and annoyed. Scared? Not so much. Now on the other hand, this grammar continues that it scares me.
She instantly opened the door finding two people sleeping with each other in Tifa’s bed under the blankets. What she saw on the floor right beside the bed were the clothes of Cloud and Tifa.
What I'm reading is this fic of the author that is not the best of the fics that are out there.
***
And now, the shit hits the fan.
Tifa heard the door open and checked who was it. Right after she saw Marlene that’s when she realizes that things are about to get worst while she covered herself. Wow, things must be getting really bad if they're worst, not just worse.
As for Denzil, he was finally ready to make the pancakes flip. “Finally… no interruption. I get to flip this thing.” Dude, it's like, zen and the art of pancake making.
He raised the pan and got ready to flip it till he heard Marlene screaming out loud that he lost concentration that the pancake got stuck in the ceiling…. Again.
He was so surprised that Marlene wasn't screaming silently as usual that with his amazing kung fu skills, he managed to wedge a soft, floppy pancake an inch deep into the ceiling without even trying.
Tifa’s face turned extremely red that she looked like the reddest radish. “What the…?”
Everyone turned, wondering who said "What the..." Was it Tifa, who looked like the reddest radish? Or maybe Cloud, who looked like a somewhat less red (but still red) radish? Or maybe it was Denzil, still trying to figure out how he managed to get a pancake stuck in the roof, or how Marlene managed to scream out loud. Or maybe Marlene was just really slow on the uptake and was just figuring out what Tifa and Cloud were doing.
***
“Oops… well… I promised her that I wouldn’t sleep with a guy till I’m… married.”
Uh...WTF? Yes, there are these really disturbing Christian events were little girls (like, about 5 or 6) promise their dads that they won't have premarital sex. (As if a, they knew what they were promising and b, there weren't weird Freudian overtones to the whole thing). But at least you're promising an adult authority figure who is supposed to want you to make such a promise. Why would Tifa promise Marlene something like that? And why does Marlene give a crap?
“Tifa…” Cloud said while slapping his hand on his face. “Why didn’t you keep that?”
He's slapping his hand on his face (I believe that's called a facepalm). Does that mean he thinks she shouldn't have slept with him? Couldn't have been that good, then.
“I forgot.”
...wtf.
“You should never promise a little girl that you’ll never have sex with a guy till your married. That’s almost hard to keep!” Cloud shouted.
Don't worry, Cloud, it's only almost hard.
***
Marlene was in her room for almost a week which freaked every FFVII characters out a lot.
Every? What, even the bosses?
Also, It weirds me out that the author refers to them as FFVII characters like this. It breaks my suspension of disbelief and makes me wonder if they know they're characters, because they certainly wouldn't refer to themselves that way.
For Barret it seems like right now it’s impossible to ground Marlene. It’s like she completely change. Now she was scary, really scary that she dressing up with black clothes!
Poor, poor Barret...he can't ground his daughter any more. And she's wearing really scary black clothes, which she managed to get without ever leaving her room (and thus being susceptible to grounding)! Horrors!
***
“You did “it”?” Vincent shouted. Dude, you're an adult. You can say the word "sex."
“You mean that you did it with Cloud?!” Barret shouted.
“…Chocking…cigarette!!” Cid shouts. Is that "shocking" or "choking?"
“Heimlich maneuver.” Yuffie shouted while helping Cid. I never knew just shouting the words "Heimlich maneuver" could clear someone's airways. Thanks, Yuffie!
He then spit the cigarette out while coughing. "That’s it!! I quit smoking!!” He said while smashing the box of cigarette. Just like that. Who knew quitting smoking was so easy?
“Tifa! You should never promise anything like that! Anyone can have sex at any moment without control!” Barret shouted.
Any moment without control? I can see it now. Barret is on the train with a bunch of random strangers. Suddenly he feels an irrisistible urge to have sex, so, without control, he does so with the person sitting next to him.
***
“Open this F door or I’ll destroy it!!” Barret said while aiming at the door.
You're sure it's not an E door? And you're sure you want to shoot open the door to your daughter's room? That's pretty sketch.
***
“Is that a book for voodoo?”
“Yep.” She said. Vincent saw her holding a spoon which had a face and a fake wig making it look like Tifa. She put it in a jar of water and started to shake it. (Sorta like in Lilo and Stitch) “Tifa needs to be punished.”
...FFVII meets Lilo and Stitch meets inaccurate voodoo. Whyyyyyyyy?
***
“Marlene! Let go of that knife.” Vincent shouted.
“Not till I kill Tifa.” She said in a gothic tone.
What is a gothic tone?
***
“No one calls my Marlene like that!!” Barret shouts but then someone throws a knife grabbing Barrets collar shirt and pinned him in a wall. “What the &$?!!”
1) Wait. Did the person who threw a knife then walk over, grab Barret's shirt collar, and pin him to the wall? Or did the knife pin Barret to the wall by his shirt collar? The writing is so bad you can't tell.
2) It's a two-letter word! Two times worse than an ordinary four letter one.
“Time to get revenge.” She said. “I’m gonna kill you Tifa and you too, Cloud.” She said with an evil smile.
Yeah, because it totally makes sense to kill people over a stupid promise made thoughtlessly by a little kid.
“That’s not normal!!” Cid shouted. Holy crap, someone actually said something sane in this story. I think it might be turning into a goodfic! Time to stop reading?
Okay, no, it's bad again.
“Get ready to die!! All of you!!” She said. She threw a knife and went through Tifa’s chest! And then Yuffie was stabbed! Then Vincent was stabbed continually with twenty and I mean twenty knifes and killed him! Barret was skewered with two Masamune swords. Cid was shot eight times in the chest. Cloud freaked out and looked at the evil Marlene. “Your turn Cloud!”
Quick recap: Marlene goes incorporeal and goes through Tifa's chest. Then the weapons come alive and start attacking on their own. First something stabbed Yuffie, then twenty--I mean twenty knives, don't doubt me here--stabbed Vincent and killed him, while two Masamune swords skewered Barret, and a gun (presumably) shot Cid eight times in the chest. Meanwhile, Cloud just stands there, waiting his turn like an idiot.
***
So it turns out that it's all just a dream. Well, maybe. It's actually somewhat unclear how much of this is a dream and how much isn't. For instance, the author raises the possibility that Tifa did sleep with Cloud and Marlene was mad, but Marlene didn't try to kill him.
Regardless, it's unambiguously clear that Cloud has become crazy...because of a dream or two. Who would've thought the hero of a video game could be that easily undone?
“There after me! The killers are after me!” He panic.
“Uh, Cloud?” Yuffie called again.
“There after me!!” He shouted running around the bar. He was doing a few crazy things that Vincent had to put a stop to it. He aimed his gun at Cloud and shot him in the leg.
Yep...the things he was doing were so crazy that the author couldn't even describe them. And so crazy that his friend had to shoot him in the leg.
“How could you?” Marlene shouted. “I shot him with a tranquilizer dart.” He said. Does he keep tranquilizer darts in his gun all the time for just such emergencies? How often does stuff like this happen, anyway?
Cloud kept on running till he fell down the floor drooling like a crazy person. Uh, I'm pretty sure that tranquilizer darts don't work like that.
Cid and Barret then put him in a straight jacket and took him to a crazy hospital. Well, so long as it wasn't a zigzaggy jacket. I'm kind of shocked his friends would take him to a crazy hospital when there are plenty of perfectly sane ones out there, though. Maybe the hospitals should be put in a mental hospital/insane asylum, too?
Tifa visits Cloud a few times but all he could speak was gibberish. No one could understands a word he says. But Kadaj enjoyed it so much that he couldn’t leave the hospital. Kadaj is one strange person.
The doctor went back to Tifa.
You'd think this was the last line, but no...we have another author's note at the end. (Why do badfic writers insist on writing so many, and such long, author's notes? We don't care about the author, we care about the fic).
Is this the end of the spooky moment! No! There’s even more (Thunder crashing) Muahaha Muahahahahahahah!!
Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!