The way she looks at me.
This is a secret journal. This journal is seen by two people- those people are myself and my beautiful and loving, sweet and caring, perfect and irreplacable girlfriend, Colleen. In this journal I frequently write things directed to her because I get embarrassed about saying things in front of her or I want her to know how certain things make me feel. I write about many dirty things that we do because I need to express how fantastic she is at everything ever. I want her to realize how beautiful and perfect she is. I want her to know I cannot live without her. My hope is that she truly believes me when I write the things in my journal and in notebooks about how great she is. I want her to believe me when I say she is beautiful, perfect, fantastic, magnificent, my one and only for all time Love. I used to be a very sad person. I am still a sad person- most often a pessimist, terrified of disapproval, holding on too tightly to the things from my past. However, I never thought to change myself. I never thought to make myself happier and healthier, to try to let what I can go. I never thought about being optimistic- it seems so dangerous, expecting good things to happen, seeing the brightside in everything. It seems like you would get let down so often; I am very used to being let down because of Jake and Jamie.
Anyway, Colleen makes me see myself in a very different way. I daydream and dream and hope and wish (and I may have prayed once... then I took it back -^.^-) that we'll have a very happy future. I see myself as being very happy and optimistic, more peaceful than angry, and much less violent. I am not really violent. I know I am sadistic. I don't own up to that often; I know I hurt Colleen when we are doing dirty things, but that is nothing compared to the things I have looked at, dreamed about, hoped for. I am a little bit evil. However, what Colleen and I do- it is different. We both have talked about things before, and I would never EVER go too far and I would never forgive myself if I did something that she considered too much. I am only playing pretend when I talk down to her. Hell, I need her. I am sure I need her more than she needs me. She is my everything. I find odd things sweet. I find getting her a collar (which I am very happy about doing) is so sweet and nice and fabulous. She will be mine forever and ever. My sweetest girl, my one and my only, my always and forever.
She doesn't mind when I hurt her. I am so lucky to have someone who can let that little monster (that's what my shrink called it) chew on something and keep it at bay. I have thought about terrible things. I have hoped and wished for wretchedness. I try so hard to seem normal or at least to laugh about and make light of what I am actually thinking. I daydream about a time when the most terrible of my thoughts goes away. Step by step. Hell, I now feel bad for those people on death row who are innocent! That is an accomplishment. I am coming down off of whatever kept my string for ten years. I am becoming less angry. Eventually, I won't think violent thoughts and hope for violent things. I won't have anything to hide. Colleen is doing this to me. She's an angel. If she were an angle, she'd be a right angle, perfect and 90degrees. I am starting to see myself differently. I am pleased. Now, for all purposes involving me wanting Colleen on her knees (what?! :-D) this is not at all to say that I won't stop liking things like this. I really enjoy what Colleen and I do. I would love to do command-play type things- to tell her what to eat, when, to tell her she is allowed to go out and do whatever, to keep her in collar and at my side whenever we're together. My beautiful love is all mine. <3.
She looks at me a certain way. The way she looks at me makes me so happy. She loves me so much; she cares about me so much. I want to protect her from everything in the world. I want to live with her so every single day I can take her in my arms and tell her everything is alright. I won't ever let her get sad. I will make her happy forever. I love her. I will do anything for her. Anything ever. Nothing that happens will ever make her lose me. Ever. I am here to stay. I am her's as much as she is mine. Forever and ever.
I love you so much Colleen Therese. <3. So much.
-The DeadEnd Girl
PS: Moby is fantastic.
Anyway, Colleen makes me see myself in a very different way. I daydream and dream and hope and wish (and I may have prayed once... then I took it back -^.^-) that we'll have a very happy future. I see myself as being very happy and optimistic, more peaceful than angry, and much less violent. I am not really violent. I know I am sadistic. I don't own up to that often; I know I hurt Colleen when we are doing dirty things, but that is nothing compared to the things I have looked at, dreamed about, hoped for. I am a little bit evil. However, what Colleen and I do- it is different. We both have talked about things before, and I would never EVER go too far and I would never forgive myself if I did something that she considered too much. I am only playing pretend when I talk down to her. Hell, I need her. I am sure I need her more than she needs me. She is my everything. I find odd things sweet. I find getting her a collar (which I am very happy about doing) is so sweet and nice and fabulous. She will be mine forever and ever. My sweetest girl, my one and my only, my always and forever.
She doesn't mind when I hurt her. I am so lucky to have someone who can let that little monster (that's what my shrink called it) chew on something and keep it at bay. I have thought about terrible things. I have hoped and wished for wretchedness. I try so hard to seem normal or at least to laugh about and make light of what I am actually thinking. I daydream about a time when the most terrible of my thoughts goes away. Step by step. Hell, I now feel bad for those people on death row who are innocent! That is an accomplishment. I am coming down off of whatever kept my string for ten years. I am becoming less angry. Eventually, I won't think violent thoughts and hope for violent things. I won't have anything to hide. Colleen is doing this to me. She's an angel. If she were an angle, she'd be a right angle, perfect and 90degrees. I am starting to see myself differently. I am pleased. Now, for all purposes involving me wanting Colleen on her knees (what?! :-D) this is not at all to say that I won't stop liking things like this. I really enjoy what Colleen and I do. I would love to do command-play type things- to tell her what to eat, when, to tell her she is allowed to go out and do whatever, to keep her in collar and at my side whenever we're together. My beautiful love is all mine. <3.
She looks at me a certain way. The way she looks at me makes me so happy. She loves me so much; she cares about me so much. I want to protect her from everything in the world. I want to live with her so every single day I can take her in my arms and tell her everything is alright. I won't ever let her get sad. I will make her happy forever. I love her. I will do anything for her. Anything ever. Nothing that happens will ever make her lose me. Ever. I am here to stay. I am her's as much as she is mine. Forever and ever.
I love you so much Colleen Therese. <3. So much.
-The DeadEnd Girl
PS: Moby is fantastic.