on the verge...
I think I'm having a breakdown, not the cutesy, "oh I'm so stressed..." kind of breakdown, but I am nearing a very real physical and emotional crash. Today starts the first full week of classes of my last semester as an undergrad, and I have NO IDEA what I'm doing next. In hindsight, I really don't think that Teach for America was for me, but at least it would have been a game plan had I been accepted. Sure, I'm applying to grad school, but where's the guarantee there--even if I get accepted, and spend two more years in school, it doesn't mean I'll get a job. Meanwhile, I continue to rack up massive amounts of debt that I'll be paying off for the rest of my life; this is so not how I saw this playing out. And what if I don't get accepted and I'm left to fend for myself in a hugely competitive job market with only a BA to keep me warm, I really don't even want to think about that right now. I couldn't sleep last night, I tried to turn my mind off for hours, and then I just gave up. I guess I'm in it now, it's too late to turn back, but I'm finding it harder and harder to muddle through. Brent and I have talked a little about moving back to Kansas City or Atlanta after I graduate, but I don't know if that would really solve anything. Right now I am just going through the motions, I've come this far and I am determined to at least finish my BA, but who the hell knows what I'll do then...would you like fries with that?