(no subject)

[thedarknes148]

well, i talked to kiah on yahoo/msn last night, it was going pretty good until the end. ive been working on this 5000 question survey lately and one of the questions was "59. What is your idea of paradise?" and i said "waking up to kiahs beautiful face every morning and going to sleep with it every night. staying up all night, making love to her and sleeping in late in the morning. watching her peaceful face as she sleeps... kiah is paradise for me." and she said she really liked that and it made her happy. so i was like "SCORE!!! I MADE HER HAPPY!!" and all of that good stuff. but then, it kinda went downhill from there... heres part of the conversation:
kiah says:
FUCK YEAH I'M GOOD
kiah says:
oh sorry
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
whyd you say that?
kiah says:
look in my lj
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
okay
kiah says:
but don't laugh
kiah says:
or throw up
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
okay...
kiah says:
i'm ugly

and there went my happy mood (kinda). i started bitching at her for saying that and then went to look at the pictures. i really dont understand how she could think that shes ugly. i just dont get it. she really is so amazingly beautiful. it hurts to look at her, knowing that i cant touch her while shes so far away. and then she wanted chris' lj and she was reading it and saw that he was jealous of her (because i love her and she makes me happy i guess?) and started freaking and she was saying that hes mad at her blah blah blah...
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
why do you think that?
kiah says:
oh nothing
kiah says:
i just feel like he is
kiah says:
so now i think he is
kiah says:
and now i know he is
kiah says:
so fuck me
kiah says:
i should die
kiah says:
aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
you should NOT die
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
i seriously would kill myself
kiah says:
i should die
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
no you shouldnt
kiah says:
i should right now
kiah says:
man i need to apologize first
kiah says:
fuck fuck fuck fuck fcuk
kiah says:
fuck
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
apologize for what?
kiah says:
god i am the stupest person on earth
kiah says:
EVERYTHING
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
kiah please stop

i was seriously crying over that. she was really scaring me and from the second she mentioned dying, i started freaking out. i REALLY WOULD kill myself if she died. really, the only reason i havent killed myself yet is because i have faith that well one day be together again. thats the only thing thats keeping me going. i cant live without her. then i said i was going to go because i was startign to get depressed and she said "no, please dont" and so of course i stayed. i told her i loved her and she said i shouldnt and i said i did anyways... she said she loves me too, i asked if she really did, and she said yes. and it took me awhile to answer back and i started crying even harder when i wrote "i believe you". i knew that right when i said that i was going to get hurt again, i know it just like any mathematician knows what one plus one is. i know it, for a fact. i know i will get hurt again. but i was desperate to get her in at least a slightly better mood, and it was worth it, so i said it. now i feel like ive completely given up my heart, given it to someone who doesnt know what to do with it. she doesnt know how to handle it, but yet i made the choice of trusting her with it anyways, well aware of the consequences. oh god, what have i done? i guess itll be my fault though. it was my choice, i madeit, its over now. theres no going back. and i have never been more scared in my life.

rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
i love you
kiah says:
i love you too, i mean it
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
do you want to marry me and move to paris with me when were older?
kiah says:
yes
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
and wake up to me every morning and go to sleep with me every night?
kiah says:
yes!
kiah says:
i'm not sure we would "sleep" every night, but yeah
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
lol
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
no offense or anything, but i hope not
kiah says:
haha really?
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
yeah
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
hell, we could just make love all day. well become millionares so wed never have to work and then just stay in bed all day
kiah says:
i love you ashlie, thank you

after she said that, it got a little better, but then i had to go. but i was happy, we got to do all of our little tradition things. (i love you, i love you too, i love you three, i love you four, i love you forever more; sweet dreams, ill see you there; if you say so, i do; and go!, yes maam) i know theyre just little things, but they really make me feel so safe inside when we say them. they really mean a lot to me. when we were saying the sweet dreams part, this is what we said...

rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
night
kiah says:
sweet dreams
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
ill see you there
kiah says:
i can hardly wait
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
oh me neither... now that im thinking about you coming to visit, i bet ill have really great dreams tonight
kiah says:
and you'll have to tell me about them
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
i will
kiah says:
good
rainbowbrite148@hotmail.com says:
ill get really into detail, too. like, what panties im wearing... i mean, pants. yeah, what pants im wearing

haha, i love that. i felt like a genius for that. alright well, ill update more later,i have to go for now. fare thee well dearest diary <33