Diary Entry #1 (Harae)
My dear Beloved,
I spoke with V-chan and Shin-san this afternoon, and whereas I do feel a bit better, I find myself at a crossroads. I know that I have failed you. I know that I have failed the Adamantine Arrow. I know that I have failed The Way. And I know that I have failed myself. But, I am beginning to see the light up ahead, and though I could not keep you from your death yet again, there is some hope for the Arrow at least. I have forgotten your words, my beloved. I have forgotten my name. Or, perhaps I have not. My name, the one that you gave me, means a Purity Ritual. This time, I think that it would be better to say that it is Purity Through Adversity. If this is what is needed for me to see that I have not Adapted, then that is what I must see. If I must have my own teachings and words thrust back upon me, then I am truly blessed. They have remembered my teachings, Beloved. I am flattered. Perhaps I was not Lost, but needed to seek myself in those that still remember. If you are not forgotten, then I should not be as well, beloved. Though you are not here, you still are with me, it seems.
But, that is also a problem. Beloved, I yearn for you still as much as I always did, but this yearning is tearing me apart. I long to follow you wherever it is that you have gone, but in the end, that is not for me. We will always remain apart, but you will always be a part of my life. I know that you call to me from beyond the Abyss, and one day I will find a way to bring you back to your Order. But I should not think of it as back to me, Beloved. It is literally driving me insane. All I can do is to preserve what we had tried to accomplish. I must bring Purity back to the Order. I must begin to shine once again and lead the Arrow as we did before, in honorable deed and word, with wisdom and integrity.
I spoke to you, Beloved. I called out your Name. And it was real, it was not a dream this time. And the red strings that bind us were pulled taut, and I could tell that it was you, even if it was from another time. We are destined to see each other again, Beloved. I must believe that now. And if it was something that the Abyss wanted me to see, then there must be a reason for that as well. We have seen that the Abyss was scared of us before. Is it still frightened of me and my interference? I had thought that it was because of you. Perhaps I was wrong. I have always seen myself as a match to your bonfire. Perhaps I was just as intimidating to It. Perhaps, once I strengthen my resolve again, I will be able to gain the power to reach you, my Beloved.
I have been afraid to sleep. I have been afraid to dream of you, Beloved. Perhaps now I will not be so afraid. Perhaps, for once, I could look you in the eye and say that one day I will hold your hand, Beloved. One day I will complete my Oath and no matter where or how, I will see you again. You and I are connected, Beloved. And with such a net of strings, I wonder if my own depression was hurting you as well. If that is true, then I don't want to hurt you either, Beloved. I have to remember that. I have to be strong and wise and fearless, for us.
I will sleep tonight, Beloved. And I will pray that I will see you in my dreams. I will pray that you and I will one day be together again, and that day, I hope that you will see that this was my Purification ritual, and that I will have passed.
杉原 砂沙美