and when you lose control...
...you'll reap the harvest you have sown. i've started to notice how i spend a lot of my time just not thinking, period. i just like sitting outside and watching my dogs lead their simple lives of chewing and chasing spectres. however, i have been thinking about my future, that is, the pursuit of my future, how bad i want it. my mom asked me the other day at breakfast what i would do, without the influences of my stepfather and mother alike. i told them that a practical portion of my consciousness says to be practical and finish school and pursue medicine or astronomy or physics or whatever it is i might end up doing that i excel at currently. the chaos element within myself beckons to be released and pursue music. pursuing music is my goal in life. never have i devoted more of my time and concentration to one single field such as i have with music. by definition, music is an arrangement of tonal noise that is pleasing to the ears. the definition speaks as if the ears are a living, breathing, independent entity. that's backwards. but then again, what,no...WHEN is a...living...breathing...entity able to recgonize itself by those three standards? i'll tell you. it doesn't. and you see, nothing that i had just stated mattered at all but i don't even want to start on what matters and what doesn't. what i am more concerned with is who or what governs right from wrong. perhaps i am asking the wrong questions. what would be more specific is why there are rights and wrongs. without rights and wrongs, how would we live? there would be no crime so police officers would not be neccessary, without our tax dollars going to police officers' salary there would be no need for half of the taxes we have. without those taxes the economy would function more productively? i doubt it. i just can't keep my thoughts together, it's so scattered. all the time, i'm not insane i know but i perceive an intangible sensation of fatigue. this only occurs when i think about anything. when i don't think at all i feel easy. when i think tho, i can't even keep my eyes open. i don't have them open now. and i see random images of bright color backdrops and people i don't know. i can hear the keys typing away and i can hear the music floating to my eyes and i see worthless images i can touch the keybaord as i exert pressure upon the keys to harvest ideas in binary. ::sigh:: it's in credible, the human mind is. i was at waldenbooks when i came across a book that had mentioned something of lasers emitting holograms but the human brain also being a hologram projector. i should go back and get that book. i stopped typing for a few minutes and here i go again. i feel it almost obligatory to write in this but i shouldn't. it's a force to be reckoned with. hmm, a door opened.