Let's spring clean before break
Spring break began yesterday with a trip up to CT to visit Dick and Rita, and see the Seclows. It was really nice. Though we typically meet somewhere sunny and warm, in a room not set around a table, it was as it always was.
I have this memory of being on vacation with the Seclow's I guess it was in the 2010s, when Tom and Theresa were showing Dick and Rita their iPhones and trying to convince them to get one. Dick would come around to an iPad, but it was interesting to see him shy away from the light of the phone, as if he could see only the harm it could do. Who flies afar from the sphere of our sorrow is here today and here tomorrow.
Anyway, Rita and Dick are now in their nineties, living on their own, and doing really well, if somewhat unable to accept help. They if anything seem a bit trapped by their frailty, but there in every other account. To be in a stage of life where your friends are all ill of health and dyeing, must be so frightful, when all you can do is be and share in the sorrows of others. And yet they joke about what is to come.
And it is spring. I wonder what life would be like if school began in the spring. We would hibernate, read, and plan all winter. Whittle ourselves down until we know what to work on. Come spring we would plant, grow, and then harvest before preparing for the holidays and then hibernating.
That sounds exceedingly nice. I think perhaps this spring will be a beginning. Maybe everything I've done until this week was its own preset. I am here, now, with a day mostly off, listening to ominious music so let's do it. Let's review the first quater, or rather, let's clean.
These past few months I've spent some time thinking about the arrangement of emotions, both around Plutchik's wheel, and more recently Lovheim's cube.
I have not reconciled these ideas, though I am interested and seduced by the way Lovheim relates eight basic emotions to the prevalence of monoamines. Plutchik's arrangement in two dimensions is how I first came to it, yet it seems more feasable to think about relationships between parts not as transfers between emotions, but through levels of neurotransmiters. Perhaps that's too reductive, but I struggle with the dual utility of the axes in Plutchik's model, and their orthaonality, and the added dimension of Lovheim's.
All of this is to say I came to this led by my keener, and then thought that we live on a joy sadness axis, which I get Disney and Culture seem to agree about. But it seems like interest and excitement is the confluence of dopamine, serotonin, and adrenaline, which while not the goal, is the furthest corner of the cube.
Here we go:
Keener - I didn't end up taking the night classes at FIT, which for now was probably the best, but I have been attending yoga. I thought I was ready for the Monay at 9, learn new things class, but I had to tap out and have been hopping around other classes instead. There is always something more to learn, and I appreciate and think often about how my classes could benefit from the routine, rigor, and heat of yoga. Quiet, attentive, with a half smile.
Trust - The one that is waiting. Perhaps it to get back out in spring, to remove myself from the hiberation that is being afraid of the cold, but I am ready. Easter and Passover are weeks away, and soon it will be summer. I trust this to come, and I trust it will be good. Patient, present, arms akimbo.
Inner Parent - It's interesting how removing oneself from their parents and family, having the tools to manage their breathing when they can't, and not playing the role of child (as much) can benefit the relationship and calm the fears. When we moved there were all too unecessary worries from the outer parent, which is what it remains. In short: Watchful, quiet, head turned.
the Doctor - Having moved in with Marc there is not as much time for reflection, but I haven't been down as much these past few weeks and months. It's interesting how it comes after but also before seeing friends. Last week I caught up with Jaz and Johnny in the same day and it was like we were spry and 32 again. Anyway. Reflective, quiet, hands clasped.
The Runner - Always and forever running around, and never going for a run. I am still wholly unable to not move quickly in transit when I am at the wheel, and yet I do feel like I have lowered my top speed as of late. I must remember that "la pierre qui roule n'amasse pas mousse" but remember that you like mousse. Tired, contracted, holding breath.
The Professor - The professor is such a quick draw, it catches of off guard. He is also the first out the door afterwards. Being with Marc is practice in pausing, being present, and reflecting, but I am very happy with how this part manifests at work. If anything I want to give him more time to profess when I am alone. Reeling, disgusted, face contorted.
Fireball - Interestingly it comes out during yoga. Stemming from fear, of tenure and my capability not to enjoy playing with others, it's so interesting that this is how we choose to come out. I've been thinking it's time to find an outlet for this, something with adrenaline, but I don't know. Maybe its the running, maybe soething else. Angry, teeth clenched.
The Performer - After a swell of presentations, we are in a bit of a hold until the summer. Enough time to learn our lines, feel comfortable so that the performances go well, and are honest. I look forward to a break from teaching (and meeting) and also the push until the end of the semester. Patient, attentive, relaxing...for now.
Ok that took a lot so let's pause here. Spring is coming and I'm excited to plant seeds.