Why have I always found the name Mr. Brown so amusing? Mr. Brown... Huh huh huh...
Which Dr. Seuss character are you?
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It's really terrible how socially awkward I am sometimes. It feels like everything I say or do just makes it worse. And then other times it just disappears, and I am able to connect with everyone and almost everyone really, really likes me. Weeeeird.
I still feel a lot better. I hope this will be a lasting thing. I am getting very tired of being hopelessly depressed. I want to start putting my life back together, or at least living it again. I still haven't had that time I needed to rest and heal properly, but I just don't think I am going to get that time.
I think I have found someone promising to fix Alice. I had actually sent her to these other people, but they are dirty bastards so she is being sent back.
My digital camera is working except for the zoom lens, which is stuck. I think it's probably because a lot of dirt got in it from the puddle. I am debating whether to attempt opening it up myself and trying to clean it or whether to try and dig up even more money and get it fixed professionally. I know you aren't supposed to fix a digital camera by yourself, but I have successfully fixed a lot of things that you aren't supposed to fix by yourself. The main thing stopping me right now is that it is secured by those three-notched screws that normal screwdrives are not compatable with.
I have been working two hours most weekdays as a "companion" or whatever the hell you call it to my neighbor Dolores. We get along surprisingly well considering how different many of our values are. I was very confused as to why anyone would actually want me hanging around them two hours a day, much less pay me to do it. It still confuses me, but I think we get along well in that respect mainly because we are both very independent. She lives alone even though she has trouble doing many things and wants to do so for as long as possible. Her family is trying to strongarm her into doing less for herself (one day I got to listen to her son-in-law threaten to hide her car keys). I think I am as outraged as she is by this. Probably more so. She seems to prefer to focus on their good points. She hates asking for help, and I don't push my help on her if she doesn't want it. It's hard to get into the delicate dance of etiquette with her though. I am used to being blunt with people, and if I was totally honest with her she would probably hate me. I also refuse to respond to implied requests or things that are expected of me in general. If people cannot tell me directly what they need then I can't be bothered to read their mind. But things work differently with her and it's part of the job. It's probably good for me. I feel guilty sometimes taking money to hang out with her. I do chores and such as well, but some days I just sit there for two hours and talk to her and read a book. But it's not like I get paid much, and she can afford it, and she would not accept the help if it was for free, and I would probably resent having to go over there two hours a day otherwise.
I'm also trying to homeschool my brother two hours every weekday. I started to get into the habit of that but then he got the flu and then I got the flu so we had to take a couple of weeks off. My mother is supposed to pay me for this as well (once again a very, very small amount). He is unbelievably difficult to school. I'm trying to figure out how to make the experience enjoyable for him on top of being educational. He is stubborn, defiant, overly emotional, and has a ridiculously short attention span. He is also an absolute genius and a very sweet and sensitive boy. I would like to encourage the latter traits rather than the former.
It's nice to have an actual income again, even if it is a laughably small amount when compared to the amount of work I am doing to earn it. It's also nice to not have to go too far from home (to get to the bus stop I have to walk two miles, which is absolutely undoable in the summers here, and we have no street lights and lots of weirdos come out at night, and I hate having to ask other people for rides) and to be able to call in sick or switch my hours around whenever I need to.
I am very very happy in the relationship I am in right now. It's not roller-coaster happy, it's just happy. Which is so much better. It doesn't sound as good, but it is. I've never felt that before. After two rounds of psychotic LJ breakup drama I don't talk about my romantic life here much. I actually haven't been talking about much of anything. When I think about what I am ok with the entire world reading about me I come to realize that it isn't much. I don't know when that changed. I used to talk about everything to everyone. I guess I've changed in a lot of ways. I'm not sure which are genuine changes and which are just temporary defense mechanisms, but I will figure that out soon enough.
I'm not sure if I will start talking to my friends more regularly again or not. It's still very difficult for me to talk to anyone. If I have no idea what I am even thinking then it is hard to say anything. I've been on IM occasionally and have been trying to hook up with my local friends more often. I still can't seem to write letters.
I really really really should go to sleep.
I've been organizing my antique postcards the past few days, and I thought I would post my two favorites.
Camille Clifford, who I am completely obsessed with. This is the my favorite picture of her. It's a real, geniune smile, not a staged-for-the-photo smile. You can even see her slightly crooked teeth (I have this thing for crooked teeth). I'm not sure why the scan came out greenish. The original is more of a sepia.
This dress. Dude. It is the most fucking gorgeous dress I have ever seen. I would kill for one like it, and I mean that. And Miss Robinson, whoever she was, is incredible as well.
So good night.