(no subject)
Moulder has cancer.
Lymphoma to be exact.
It seems pretty bad if you ask me. Sometimes it seems like he can barely breath.
They want to put him to sleep soon.
My best friend of 9 years... they want to end his misery.
but I don't think I can handel that.
I love my puppy.
I'm not sure where life will take me. I'm sure, in a social aspect, I'm simply leading myself into a dark circle.
I have been a bad friend yet again. Making plans and breaking them.
Apparently that's my game.
But the sad part is, I've been doing this all so subconsciously.
I haven't a clue that I've done such a thing until it's the other person's problem.
And for that... I am truly sorry. I don't mean to cause problems like that. I don't want to be that person.
That is what leads me to this point. I don't know who I am.
Or at least, I think that.
I used to have this self-confidence. I was always the person to cheer everyone up. If you needed advice, I was the person to come to. Never could you find me without a smile on my face, nor would you see me without a group of friends surrounding me.
But college and work have changed this.
Now I'm the one who needs some serious cheering up.
Now I feel like I don't know my friends anymore. I don't have time for them because the only time outside of studying and working I have I spend with my boyfriend. I don't regret that at all, and I certainly hope that isn't held against me.
That leads me to another feeling.
Since things between us got pretty rough thanks to an outside source, and we broke up for a week... things have been different.
Sure we needed some change but other things just hurt.
Call me whatever you want but I know I have fallen for this boy. Three months of dating and a month of getting to know him before that has served great enough time for me to know how I feel. And I feel like I couldnt be without him. His smile melts my heart, and his sincere gestures tell me how much he cares about me. I love him. Now here's where the hurt kicks in.
Time.
It's of the essence, I know. And I certainly don't ask for much. But I can't fit near the top of his priority list and I hate that feeling. I want to be as much of a part of his life as he is in mine. I feel like I can't be and it practically kills me.
I mean.. I'd do anything for him.
I need him and I need to know if he loves me back because I can't do this halfway. And I know I don't want to love someone so much if they can't love me back. I'm sure he could..
I wish things could be like they used to be.
I can't sleep tonight and I need to be up in 4 hours.
I want to be fixed.
I want my puzzle in my head to be solved.
I can't do it alone.
I really need to be loved back.
I wish life didn't have to be so fucking hard.
Love,
Emily