my apology

[thedangerbugg]

many know me and know that I can be very set in my ways and(for lack of a better word)reluctant to change. for ages I have struggled with the thought that no one really knows the real me. there are very few people who do know me and the one that does is Jessi Wells. you all know that when I get into something I give it my heart and soul and I won't see or hear otherwise against it. I think in all these years I have pushed people so far away from me to the point where they are frustrated with me. what many people fail to realise is that most of what I do is a cover-up. from the time I was a young child I showed signs of being bossy, aggressive and stubborn. my mother told me that if I didn't stop that I would lose all my friends. and so it has begun. people are now starting to get fed up with me. but if you only knew what it was like to live a day at my house with my mother(who I love dearly) then you might be able to grasp why I am the way that I am. Whenever people upset or anger me or I don't agree with them I tell them so and I make it clear many times that there is no other way but mine. for this I am sorry. When I do that which I do best it is only because I am insecure about myself from years of condescendtion and etc from my mother and most of my family. I act the way that I do not because I really believe it but because I am trying to create a secure and stable world for myself to live in where I am in control. A place where I call the shots and where nothing bad can ever go wrong. This world is a place that I have been living in for the past 16 years despite warnings from my friends and others who care for me. Without this world there is no sense of security for me often. I get angry with myself for doing what I do but as long as I am in my own world where I am in control everything is okay. Now I am starting to lose a grasp on that world. I believe I created it as a place that I could get away from the real world. Without it I have nothing but the real world and that scares me. In the real world I am not in control; there are things that happen and I get angry at myself for the way I act. The way I act creates a false sense of security within me that allows me to go by everyday and to not be horribly out of control. Without my imaginary world(like I said) there is only the real world. I want to know that I will always be taken care of, that someone will always be there to love and comfort me and help me through the trying times. So bottom line, I act the way I do all of the time because I am putting on a mask and making it seem like I have security. I create a false sense of security when I act out towards other people and when I voice my opinion in a way that isn't open(which is all the time). So please, I apologize. Please forgive me.

I need to tell you that I do get jealous, that I do get angry. I put on a mask to hide these things and make myself feel stable.