(no subject)
I don't even know what to do anymore. Lately, it's like no matter what anyone says or does to me, it feels like what they're really saying is that they think I'm worthless. Pointless. Invisible. I mean that's what I think, why shouldn't they.
I mean I'm 33 years old and I'll never have anything that's important in my life. Everybody else has families of their own and I've got nothing. My body is a fucking mess, both medically and if we want to talk about looks, I don't even want to go there. And I don't have anything that's mine. I'm pointless as a human being.
So to try to pretend that I'm something more than a worthless piece of shit, I bend over backward trying to give and do for people and make sure everyone else is happy, so that they can walk all over me. But I feel USEFUL, so it's fucking GREAT.
So, the only thing I would have liked for my birthday was for someone to take me seriously when I said I feel like a piece of garbage all the time. Because going out just is another reminder that I'm a full 10 years older than most of the other people out looking for dates, and that the only other reason women go out to clubs is for bachelorette parties. Other people my age all have way more important things to do. They're in relationships, have families, and even for the ones who bothered to show up, going out to a night club was some kind of novel break from their normal lives, that are filled with all sorts of real things that I'll never have.
I feel like the biggest hypocrite on the planet, because I don't know how I think I'll ever be able to help other people feel better about themselves when I can't even help myself.
I mean I'm 33 years old and I'll never have anything that's important in my life. Everybody else has families of their own and I've got nothing. My body is a fucking mess, both medically and if we want to talk about looks, I don't even want to go there. And I don't have anything that's mine. I'm pointless as a human being.
So to try to pretend that I'm something more than a worthless piece of shit, I bend over backward trying to give and do for people and make sure everyone else is happy, so that they can walk all over me. But I feel USEFUL, so it's fucking GREAT.
So, the only thing I would have liked for my birthday was for someone to take me seriously when I said I feel like a piece of garbage all the time. Because going out just is another reminder that I'm a full 10 years older than most of the other people out looking for dates, and that the only other reason women go out to clubs is for bachelorette parties. Other people my age all have way more important things to do. They're in relationships, have families, and even for the ones who bothered to show up, going out to a night club was some kind of novel break from their normal lives, that are filled with all sorts of real things that I'll never have.
I feel like the biggest hypocrite on the planet, because I don't know how I think I'll ever be able to help other people feel better about themselves when I can't even help myself.