Quest
My, two entries in a row! it's been a while.
So i am on a quest for myself, i guess. for that confidence i used to have that the world was a kind, loving place. that person who used to love with abandon and jump with no question. shit what a stupid girl that was! but happy. a happy stupid girl is perhaps better than a miserable smart one? you tell me.
anyway, suffice it to say that I AM SO TIRED OF BEING AFRAID. as in i'm so physically tired of it. i'm tired of the nervous breakdowns. GEEZ I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT I AM LOVED FOR WHO I AM! i mean, if he's staring you in the face while you're breaking down in your office's public bathroom telling you that he's not going anywhere while you're spewing doubts and fears and the chilli con carne you had for lunch, perhaps that means he's for real.
or maybe it's enough that he tells you everyday that he loves you, and that he doesn't want you to NOT want him. or maybe the great time you guys always have together is enough.
he's a novice at relationships. i'm an expert at ruining them. Watta pair!
but geez, i gotta believe i'm worth coming home to. cos i really am you sunovabitch. i am worth coming home to. I AM SO WORTH COMING HOME TO.
the last time someone i loved went to cebu, he went ahead and almost screwed ONE OF MY BESTEST FRIENDS. he came home and lied to my face and even when i found out, stupid happy girl stayed for the sake of love.
a thousand years later and i'm this little piece of pathetic cynicism searching for a great love while pushing all possibilities away. wattagirl!
anyway The Man will be going to cebu in a few months, with a bunch of other models to celebrate the release of this shoe brand. he'll be with models! i'm sure they're not as great as i am (haha), but they're freakin' models! in CEBU. where the great betrayal happened, in my own hometown. GEEZ! why did it have to be in cebu? i've half a mind to go with him, just to be sure. but that's just too psycho, even for me. besides, i'm kind of looking forward to a weekend of friends only, no non-boyfriends allowed.
but models. geez. i hate models! with their tight breasts and long legs. i hate you! at least i'm cool and smart. and sometimes pretty. AHAHAHAHAHA.
but i gotta believe i'm worth coming home to. because he'll get tired of my constant doubting eyes (i don't say my doubts out loud, but apparently my face doesn't lie. stupid face!) and maybe he will do something dumb just to get me off his back. for pete's sake i know i'm on medication for anti-TB but i think i need to be on an anti-psychotic.
okay get a grip. calm yourself. the point is, cebu isn't for another few months. the facts are he loves you, you love him, and you still have a few months to make up for being such a neurotic freak. yay!
i ramble on ala led zeppelin don't i? ha ha. such entertainment i give you!
i'm gonna go and watch dibidi now while eating fattening foods. MY FIRST LONG HOLIDAY EVER. it feels so wrong to not be working everyday. haha. i love me!
so in short,
I am on a search. for that part of me i can't seem to find. i told him last night that the reason why i'm so exaggeratingly cautious is because there is only such a small part of me that's intact, that's pure, that's safe. that small part that's untouched has got to be protected. i've got to make sure no one ruins it, or else i swear i'm gonna go insane.
But i realize, as my sister so knowingly tells me, that if i keep on being this afraid of getting hurt and i keep on pushing people away (friends, lovers, family), i'm going to end up alone. an old woman with one trillion cats. and i don't even like cats that much. i hope you're in this journey with me. which means... take me out and remind me of all the beautiful things in life. and yes, i mean you, great reader. remind me that the world is good. that hearts are meant for love and happiness, and that coffee is a great place for conversations. i used to know this. i used to know this by heart!
we are all more than enough. yes.
So i am on a quest for myself, i guess. for that confidence i used to have that the world was a kind, loving place. that person who used to love with abandon and jump with no question. shit what a stupid girl that was! but happy. a happy stupid girl is perhaps better than a miserable smart one? you tell me.
anyway, suffice it to say that I AM SO TIRED OF BEING AFRAID. as in i'm so physically tired of it. i'm tired of the nervous breakdowns. GEEZ I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT I AM LOVED FOR WHO I AM! i mean, if he's staring you in the face while you're breaking down in your office's public bathroom telling you that he's not going anywhere while you're spewing doubts and fears and the chilli con carne you had for lunch, perhaps that means he's for real.
or maybe it's enough that he tells you everyday that he loves you, and that he doesn't want you to NOT want him. or maybe the great time you guys always have together is enough.
he's a novice at relationships. i'm an expert at ruining them. Watta pair!
but geez, i gotta believe i'm worth coming home to. cos i really am you sunovabitch. i am worth coming home to. I AM SO WORTH COMING HOME TO.
the last time someone i loved went to cebu, he went ahead and almost screwed ONE OF MY BESTEST FRIENDS. he came home and lied to my face and even when i found out, stupid happy girl stayed for the sake of love.
a thousand years later and i'm this little piece of pathetic cynicism searching for a great love while pushing all possibilities away. wattagirl!
anyway The Man will be going to cebu in a few months, with a bunch of other models to celebrate the release of this shoe brand. he'll be with models! i'm sure they're not as great as i am (haha), but they're freakin' models! in CEBU. where the great betrayal happened, in my own hometown. GEEZ! why did it have to be in cebu? i've half a mind to go with him, just to be sure. but that's just too psycho, even for me. besides, i'm kind of looking forward to a weekend of friends only, no non-boyfriends allowed.
but models. geez. i hate models! with their tight breasts and long legs. i hate you! at least i'm cool and smart. and sometimes pretty. AHAHAHAHAHA.
but i gotta believe i'm worth coming home to. because he'll get tired of my constant doubting eyes (i don't say my doubts out loud, but apparently my face doesn't lie. stupid face!) and maybe he will do something dumb just to get me off his back. for pete's sake i know i'm on medication for anti-TB but i think i need to be on an anti-psychotic.
okay get a grip. calm yourself. the point is, cebu isn't for another few months. the facts are he loves you, you love him, and you still have a few months to make up for being such a neurotic freak. yay!
i ramble on ala led zeppelin don't i? ha ha. such entertainment i give you!
i'm gonna go and watch dibidi now while eating fattening foods. MY FIRST LONG HOLIDAY EVER. it feels so wrong to not be working everyday. haha. i love me!
so in short,
I am on a search. for that part of me i can't seem to find. i told him last night that the reason why i'm so exaggeratingly cautious is because there is only such a small part of me that's intact, that's pure, that's safe. that small part that's untouched has got to be protected. i've got to make sure no one ruins it, or else i swear i'm gonna go insane.
But i realize, as my sister so knowingly tells me, that if i keep on being this afraid of getting hurt and i keep on pushing people away (friends, lovers, family), i'm going to end up alone. an old woman with one trillion cats. and i don't even like cats that much. i hope you're in this journey with me. which means... take me out and remind me of all the beautiful things in life. and yes, i mean you, great reader. remind me that the world is good. that hearts are meant for love and happiness, and that coffee is a great place for conversations. i used to know this. i used to know this by heart!
we are all more than enough. yes.