(no subject)
Haven't been here in about a month.
Stuff's been overly dramatic or incredibly boring.
I spend my days in school and doing mass amounts of homework; I spend my nights alone, in the company of good friends, or in awkward cahoots or unnecessary intentional run-ins with the ex. We had our post-break-up break up three or so nights ago. I had a pair of socks randomly returned to me today. I do not like your random drop-ins. I shall begin screening my door. Verizon wants to charge me $5 a month to block incoming and outgoing mistakes to a certain number...it almost seems worth $5 at this point.
I am bored off my ass right now. Been studying too long. Been reading books I want to read and which are not assigned to me. This is pleasant. Isolation is not. I'm bored with it. I want Portland. I want a car. I want out.
I got a 3.5GPA this term...brought my sad-excuse for a GPA up. I only cared about love and obtaining love the past year and a half. Now I want to break hearts and make mistakes with someone new. With new friends. I want to start living like a teenager again...stop saving money, going to bed sober, and using m inside voice all the time.
I feel dull--I have no real responsibilities (a lame job and an undergrad degree). I'd rather have no psuedo-responsibilities. I wanna go back to high school summers of 40s, me and 15 close friends in my parents kitchen or back yard, laying on top of knickel knoll and looking at the chicago skyline, having 100 friends who all knew me for more than a couple years, goofy humor and not this sophisticated holier-than-thou humor I feel like my close friends make me live up to.
I'm happy, sure. I better be--I got shit wrong in life. Not because I'm stuck with my friends, no, I enjoy them and I'm happy to have them. But because it was a thought that crossed my mind, and a realization that later crossed my mind as well. One that's neither filled with disappointment or extreme fulfillment. And that's not a bad medium if you ask me.
I like this quote I read in a book today, "I thought these were just my starter friends and the real ones would come along later. But no. These are my real friends. I also imagined friends who adored me. These friends think I'm a drag. I fantasize about starting over and eliminating the film of dragging that hangs over me. [...] I need clean new people who associate me with fun. This is mu number two problem: I am never satisfied with what I have. It goes hand in hand with my number one problem: rushing."
But, really, I liked this one more...and more than a knot in my throat was produced...this time I cried.
"The reality began to seem barren. And in time I realized that if the truth felt empty, then I probably would not be your girlfriend much longer."
The thing is ends are inevitable and so this is why I'm on the prowl for new all the time. New towns, new people, new personality traits to fill some void I've become obsessed with creating. I wonder when this urge ceases and if it does. I'm accustom to it...in fact I'm in favor of it. It keeps things interesting...and it's nice to know this is one of a few times I feel I'll have a 4+ year commitment tying me down for a while. I can go anywhere...and I like this. Because it's easier to end something that hasn't started. Ya dig?
Stuff's been overly dramatic or incredibly boring.
I spend my days in school and doing mass amounts of homework; I spend my nights alone, in the company of good friends, or in awkward cahoots or unnecessary intentional run-ins with the ex. We had our post-break-up break up three or so nights ago. I had a pair of socks randomly returned to me today. I do not like your random drop-ins. I shall begin screening my door. Verizon wants to charge me $5 a month to block incoming and outgoing mistakes to a certain number...it almost seems worth $5 at this point.
I am bored off my ass right now. Been studying too long. Been reading books I want to read and which are not assigned to me. This is pleasant. Isolation is not. I'm bored with it. I want Portland. I want a car. I want out.
I got a 3.5GPA this term...brought my sad-excuse for a GPA up. I only cared about love and obtaining love the past year and a half. Now I want to break hearts and make mistakes with someone new. With new friends. I want to start living like a teenager again...stop saving money, going to bed sober, and using m inside voice all the time.
I feel dull--I have no real responsibilities (a lame job and an undergrad degree). I'd rather have no psuedo-responsibilities. I wanna go back to high school summers of 40s, me and 15 close friends in my parents kitchen or back yard, laying on top of knickel knoll and looking at the chicago skyline, having 100 friends who all knew me for more than a couple years, goofy humor and not this sophisticated holier-than-thou humor I feel like my close friends make me live up to.
I'm happy, sure. I better be--I got shit wrong in life. Not because I'm stuck with my friends, no, I enjoy them and I'm happy to have them. But because it was a thought that crossed my mind, and a realization that later crossed my mind as well. One that's neither filled with disappointment or extreme fulfillment. And that's not a bad medium if you ask me.
I like this quote I read in a book today, "I thought these were just my starter friends and the real ones would come along later. But no. These are my real friends. I also imagined friends who adored me. These friends think I'm a drag. I fantasize about starting over and eliminating the film of dragging that hangs over me. [...] I need clean new people who associate me with fun. This is mu number two problem: I am never satisfied with what I have. It goes hand in hand with my number one problem: rushing."
But, really, I liked this one more...and more than a knot in my throat was produced...this time I cried.
"The reality began to seem barren. And in time I realized that if the truth felt empty, then I probably would not be your girlfriend much longer."
The thing is ends are inevitable and so this is why I'm on the prowl for new all the time. New towns, new people, new personality traits to fill some void I've become obsessed with creating. I wonder when this urge ceases and if it does. I'm accustom to it...in fact I'm in favor of it. It keeps things interesting...and it's nice to know this is one of a few times I feel I'll have a 4+ year commitment tying me down for a while. I can go anywhere...and I like this. Because it's easier to end something that hasn't started. Ya dig?