NOTE TO SELF #690
***Re-writing Xmas…..
~At some point, “they” could’ve really seized the day on Christmas. Retold the story for their own benefit. For example:
Santa gets all the love. Jesus, not so much. Oh, it’s his birthday. But not really. Almost everyone knows Jesus wasn’t born on December 25th. Read your Bible. And many gods before the Jesus story claimed a virgin birth and a December 25th b-day. So there’s nothing sexy about any of that…..But what if Jesus slid down chimneys and delivered toys to kids who were good? Those who obeyed the commandments! Now, you got people’s attention. Tell me more about this Jesus guy! The deliverer of gifts!
Not only does he deliver toys, he has 12 apostles who can fly! And they pull his sleigh (chariot) full of toys. One even has a bright red nose from all the wine he drank. And who made that wine? Jesus did! He turned water into wine….and he turns water into egg nog every December! Yay! Tell me more!
Jesus can walk on water! How? He freezes it with one wave of his hand. Voila! Frozen water for walking! Or skating! Jesus invented hockey, but that’s another story!
There’s this bad guy who doesn’t like Christmas (or Jesusmas as we’ll now call it). He’s evil. They call him Satan or the Devil or the Grinch! Sometimes he’s red, sometimes he’s green. He’s like a chameleon. And also like a major asshole. He’s a chameleon asshole! Well, Jesus fought him and won. Jesus nailed his sorry color-changing ass to a tree. And that’s why we put Christmas, I mean Jesusmas trees in our homes every year! To remember Jesus’ victory over the Satan-Devil-Grinch.
Where does Jesus get all the toys from? He has a workshop up north. As in the sky! When you die, you go to a special place in the sky where you make toys in Jesus’ workshop. That workshop is called Heaven and all the dead people make toys under the supervision of angels forever and ever! A holy toy-making sweatshop where you bring joy to the living.
No more evil toys that turn kids into active shooters. You’ll only make wholesome toys that bring peace on earth. No video games. No Marilyn Manson CDs. No backwards New York Yankees caps. No BB guns that’ll shoot your eye out. Instead, BB guns that’ll shoot an eye on! They’ll add an eye! Pew! Ouch! What? Mom, I shot an eye on! I got 3 eyes now! 👁 👁 👁 Pew! 4 eyes now! Pew! 5! I can see everything! I can even see Jesus! I’m all-seeing, just like God! Wow!
Sign me up for this!
Amen, Brother. Or should I say Eye-men? Merry Jesusmas, Everybody!!!
#RewriteXmas
~At some point, “they” could’ve really seized the day on Christmas. Retold the story for their own benefit. For example:
Santa gets all the love. Jesus, not so much. Oh, it’s his birthday. But not really. Almost everyone knows Jesus wasn’t born on December 25th. Read your Bible. And many gods before the Jesus story claimed a virgin birth and a December 25th b-day. So there’s nothing sexy about any of that…..But what if Jesus slid down chimneys and delivered toys to kids who were good? Those who obeyed the commandments! Now, you got people’s attention. Tell me more about this Jesus guy! The deliverer of gifts!
Not only does he deliver toys, he has 12 apostles who can fly! And they pull his sleigh (chariot) full of toys. One even has a bright red nose from all the wine he drank. And who made that wine? Jesus did! He turned water into wine….and he turns water into egg nog every December! Yay! Tell me more!
Jesus can walk on water! How? He freezes it with one wave of his hand. Voila! Frozen water for walking! Or skating! Jesus invented hockey, but that’s another story!
There’s this bad guy who doesn’t like Christmas (or Jesusmas as we’ll now call it). He’s evil. They call him Satan or the Devil or the Grinch! Sometimes he’s red, sometimes he’s green. He’s like a chameleon. And also like a major asshole. He’s a chameleon asshole! Well, Jesus fought him and won. Jesus nailed his sorry color-changing ass to a tree. And that’s why we put Christmas, I mean Jesusmas trees in our homes every year! To remember Jesus’ victory over the Satan-Devil-Grinch.
Where does Jesus get all the toys from? He has a workshop up north. As in the sky! When you die, you go to a special place in the sky where you make toys in Jesus’ workshop. That workshop is called Heaven and all the dead people make toys under the supervision of angels forever and ever! A holy toy-making sweatshop where you bring joy to the living.
No more evil toys that turn kids into active shooters. You’ll only make wholesome toys that bring peace on earth. No video games. No Marilyn Manson CDs. No backwards New York Yankees caps. No BB guns that’ll shoot your eye out. Instead, BB guns that’ll shoot an eye on! They’ll add an eye! Pew! Ouch! What? Mom, I shot an eye on! I got 3 eyes now! 👁 👁 👁 Pew! 4 eyes now! Pew! 5! I can see everything! I can even see Jesus! I’m all-seeing, just like God! Wow!
Sign me up for this!
Amen, Brother. Or should I say Eye-men? Merry Jesusmas, Everybody!!!
#RewriteXmas