(no subject)
i very much so want to move out. I really really really cant wait to be 18.
I am going on a mission of self discovery. Ever since bryan broke up with me, i kind of lost who i am. It wasnt his fault, it was mine, i let myself go. So basically, im going to use Livejournal as an outlet for all this. A big part of the reason i am doing this is because i dont let people in, but i want my friends to know who i am. I have a hard time talking about this kind of stuff when i am sitting in front of them, and writing is a very easy thing for me. Im not looking for pity, im not looking for "i'm sorry, i know how you feel." Because you really dont, so lets not pretend. I am however going to use this journal to express how i feel, and things i discover about myself. Lucky for you, i already found one.
1. My thoughts are not unlearned, or without reason:
Some of you who hang with me on a daily basis might hear some of my feministic thoughts. To you it might be rather displaced in a country of such "freedom", but until you live in a hell hole house where you are riddled with doublestandards for the simple fact that you are a girl, you will never understand. Until you have a mother who believes you are having sex with boys, and running around naked, and doing drugs, when you couldnt possibly be a better child( GPA of 4.2, have never drank alcohol, never smoked, dont even cuss, and a virgin), you will never know. I act like i do because of how my home life is. I might be defense, i might argue a lot, but it is because im used to having to defend myself against my own family, the people you should be able to leave your gaurd down around. I know i can be a burden to some of you because i am outspoken, and just dont care about what ppl think about me. But it is because i have had to fend for myself from an early age and i hate how kids act so weak nowdays. Always giving up and taking their lives for unjustified reasons. I am outspoken because i am never heard. So i force others to hear me, despite if i believe or not what i am shouting about. I argue to see who is listening, and to see who is educated. And a tip; if you say one thing and i start to argue with you about the opposite of that thought, its not because i dont believe what you are saying isnt right, i am basically testing you to see if you can stick to your convictions. I am a screwed up kid, but i keep it together. I have to look strong on the outside. I was never made to break down, i was never supposed to be the girl who crys over a boy breaking up with her, i was never made to be the girl who cuts because they dont enough attention, i wasnt even made to cry infront of others. i was made to stay strong for others, but it has hardened me, i am starting to feel the effects of it. I find myself giving no symathy to those who i dont think deserve it because they cry out for attention. To wrap this up, i am not sorry for the way i am, im just sorry for never letting you guys know why i am the way i am. I hope after this year, before i leave, the friends i love will know me better and understand who i am and why i am that way.
Today i am thankful for: BECKA, my shoulder to cry on no matter what the tears are shed for.
I am going on a mission of self discovery. Ever since bryan broke up with me, i kind of lost who i am. It wasnt his fault, it was mine, i let myself go. So basically, im going to use Livejournal as an outlet for all this. A big part of the reason i am doing this is because i dont let people in, but i want my friends to know who i am. I have a hard time talking about this kind of stuff when i am sitting in front of them, and writing is a very easy thing for me. Im not looking for pity, im not looking for "i'm sorry, i know how you feel." Because you really dont, so lets not pretend. I am however going to use this journal to express how i feel, and things i discover about myself. Lucky for you, i already found one.
1. My thoughts are not unlearned, or without reason:
Some of you who hang with me on a daily basis might hear some of my feministic thoughts. To you it might be rather displaced in a country of such "freedom", but until you live in a hell hole house where you are riddled with doublestandards for the simple fact that you are a girl, you will never understand. Until you have a mother who believes you are having sex with boys, and running around naked, and doing drugs, when you couldnt possibly be a better child( GPA of 4.2, have never drank alcohol, never smoked, dont even cuss, and a virgin), you will never know. I act like i do because of how my home life is. I might be defense, i might argue a lot, but it is because im used to having to defend myself against my own family, the people you should be able to leave your gaurd down around. I know i can be a burden to some of you because i am outspoken, and just dont care about what ppl think about me. But it is because i have had to fend for myself from an early age and i hate how kids act so weak nowdays. Always giving up and taking their lives for unjustified reasons. I am outspoken because i am never heard. So i force others to hear me, despite if i believe or not what i am shouting about. I argue to see who is listening, and to see who is educated. And a tip; if you say one thing and i start to argue with you about the opposite of that thought, its not because i dont believe what you are saying isnt right, i am basically testing you to see if you can stick to your convictions. I am a screwed up kid, but i keep it together. I have to look strong on the outside. I was never made to break down, i was never supposed to be the girl who crys over a boy breaking up with her, i was never made to be the girl who cuts because they dont enough attention, i wasnt even made to cry infront of others. i was made to stay strong for others, but it has hardened me, i am starting to feel the effects of it. I find myself giving no symathy to those who i dont think deserve it because they cry out for attention. To wrap this up, i am not sorry for the way i am, im just sorry for never letting you guys know why i am the way i am. I hope after this year, before i leave, the friends i love will know me better and understand who i am and why i am that way.
Today i am thankful for: BECKA, my shoulder to cry on no matter what the tears are shed for.