super hot
whoa. so it's been what?...2 years since i've last updated. deeeeng. that's a long time. A LOT has happened since then. i'm glad no one really uses livejournal anymore. a more private place for my thoughts...since someone still reads my xanga...i'm done with it! so this page doesn't look the way it did when i left it...so i put my favorite butterfly picture in the background. i know, extremely random. but when you scroll up and down really fast you can almost see them flapping their wings. haha okay enough of that...i'm really bored. can you tell?! well let me see...my last post was in 2006! omg that was 2 years ago! hmmm...since then, i had my surgery, had a debut, graduated from high school, witnessed 3 deaths this passed summer, started college, watched my grandmother die before my very eyes...i think that was when it all started! that's when i fell apart. i lost my best friend!! i still can't believe she's gone. i went crazy...i'm not gonna lie. i was going through depression. i turned to reymund for help but he wasn't there for me...sad to say, he left me in my deepest time of need and lead me on for months after that with me not knowing that there were other girls in the picture. i was a fool. he betrayed me in every way possible at the worst time in my life. it's just so hard to believe that someone i had such a beautiful thing with for two years of my life could make me crash and burn and fall to pieces with out a care in the world. he was my first love and my first heartbreak. but i'm over it now. i know everybody makes mistakes...myself included. lately i've realized that i've been so blind to see my own mistakes and instead pointed fingers at others. we're okay now though...i know he still loves me. i can tell by the way he spoils me, the way he asks about me, the way he calls me at the most randomest times in the night just to say hello. i used to think it was petty but i know he's sorry for everything he's put me through. he's surprised i've forgiven him for everything. "if i were you, i wouldn't even forgive myself!"...truth is, i'm not one to hold a grudge. i know he feels bad especially after everything i've been through as a child...watching my parents fight and yell and say things they would regret in the future, hurting each other, betraying each other, abandoning their own family...and he knows he put me through all that all over again...but i'm glad. i discovered that i'm stronger than i thought i was. enough of that...we're friends now i hope. it just takes time. lately i've been fighting a lot with my dad. it really sucks. i felt imprisoned in my own home and i hated it. i don't understand. i was a good kid...never drank, never did drugs, never smoked, paid for my own education from books to tuition, paid for my own gas, paid for my own food, studied hard and got good grades...it was never enough for them. i did everything they asked me to! then one night i want a little freedom. i wanted to see my friend on her birthday after not seeing her for months! i told them i was going...my dad got upset and kicked me out. i thought it was ridiculous and we had a little argument but it turned into "pack your stuff and don't come back!" i know it was probably wrong to leave but at the moment i was heated and confused and mad! how could he say those things to me? ...so i did it. i packed my things and left! that was february 29, 2008...i haven't been home since. it's so sad. i cried for weeks and didn't know where to go or what to do. my life was just falling apart. fortunately, when i had nowhere else to go, samantha took me in. i love her family to death. they didn't hesitate at all to take me in. they treat me like their own. i don't know what i'd do without them. i thought parents were supposed to love their children unconditionally?! i know i can be stubborn but truth is...i'm afraid to go home. i don't know how to act or how my parents will react or what to do. i know one day i have to deal with it...but right now i'm not ready...especially after what my aunt did to me. it cut me deep! so that's my update on family. sucks! but i've been finding solace in my friends. they're there for me when i need them. i've made some new ones, lost some old ones, grew to even love some. i've met a lot of wonderful people that have changed my life these passed few months. i've even hurt some...i even hurt myself. i experienced love and hate in it's many forms. i fell for someone but i fucked it up baaaad! he's a great person too. i thought i was just gonna be another 'hit it and quit it' like what my ex did to me so i went 'clingy-mode' for a little. how stupid of me. oh well! i guess it's true what they say...all good things come to an end! ...and i know i've changed...drastically. i started smoking and drinking and partying and even stealing...so not like me!! i barely saw the change in me until recently...and i hate it. i don't blame anyone for my change. i had no one else to blame but myself. sure, i've been influenced, but in the end, every action i made was my decision. lately i've been unable to sleep and i would just lay there and think about what's happened to me. i used to teach little kids at my church about God and sing at retreats and at church events. i used to volunteer my hours to help kids learn how to read or throw fundraisers to feed the poor...where did all that go? i haven't been to church since i got kicked out. it sucks. i feel like i no longer even know myself and i know it's probably too late...but i really want to go back! ...i'm getting desparate. i need to get my life back on track. those are the current thoughts in my head...more later! gotta study for finals!!! i'm currenly at jordan's house. i just woke up and i'm still in my peejays! -_______- how gross! i smell cuz it's hot and sticky but i'm not gonna shower until after his basketball game cuz we're swimming afterwards anyways! :]