Vampire Boot Camp (2004)
Chapter Six
(Ruthven is sitting in his room reading a book. As he reads, one can hear the clinking of metal on metal in the other room *being the new main room space allotted by Integra last week as the vampires were presentable for the Royal Order of the Knights.* Finally there is a sharp “hah!” sound and a large sword flies through the door past Ruthven, embedding itself in the post of the coffin bed. Ruthven puts down his book, sighs, walks over to the sword, pulls it out, and drags it back into the other room.)
Ruthven: Would you two PLEASE keep your weapons under control?
Dracula: I’m sorry, Ruthven. I did not intend for the sword to intrude upon your “personal space.”
Radu: We’ll stay OUT of the bubble. Promise.
(Ruthven mutters something about “damned warrior princes” and goes back into his and Varney’s room, shutting the door for emphasis on his aggravation. Meanwhile, Dracula and Radu shrug.)
Dracula: Ok, where were we?
Radu: I believe that’s one point for me, which ties us up at two to two.
Dracula: So next point wins it then?
Radu: Yep. Begin?
Dracula: Whenever you are ready.
(The two begin to spar once more for awhile. Varney, Carmilla, Louis, and Lestat enter the room, each male vampire carrying a large box, and Carmilla leading them.)
Carmilla: This way, boys, in through here. Thank you very much!
Varney: What is it?
Carmilla: They’re some of my fabrics. And buttons. And laces. And cords. And---EEP!!
(A sword flies out of nowhere, narrowly missing Lestat’s head.)
Carmilla: Oh my word! Are you alright?
(Lestat turns a pearly color and passes out.)
Carmilla: Oh the poor dear! Someone get some water or something! Cold water!
(Varney runs off to find some cold water.)
Radu: Lestat! Lestat! Are you there, Lestat? Oh man. . .oh man. . .
Dracula: Radu, we really have to work on your “fling” so that you don’t kill innocent civilians.
(Radu kneels by Lestat and starts to stroke his face, saying his name over and over, along with several swears. Louis grabs Lestat’s hand and begins to feel for a pulse. Dracula swoops over and claps his hands twice. A large bucket of ice water appears, which is promptly dumped over Lestat’s head. Lestat’s eyes promptly snap open and he sits up sputtering and shivering, with mascara and eyeliner dripping down his face.)
Dracula: Are you ok, Lestat?
Lestat: You. . .almost. . .KILLED ME!!! And then you tried to FREEZE ME!!!
Louis: It’s ok now, Lestat. Come along and lie down for a little while, and perhaps dry off a bit.
Lestat: I’m too weak to move from this spot. *sighs and brings back of hand to forehead.*
Louis: *rolls eyes* You’re perfectly FINE, Lestat, now come along.
Lestat: You wouldn’t know, Louis. You’ve never been decapitated by a sword before.
Louis: Neither have you.
Lestat: Leave me now, Louis, unless you feel you can be in some way helpful to my fragile being.
Louis: Fine, I will.
Lestat: NO!!! Stay here. . .I like it. Stroke my face some more. . .that was nice.
(Lestat lies back on the floor and waits expectantly.)
Louis: I wouldn’t TOUCH your face if you were DYING, you ungrateful jerk.
(Louis leaves the room quickly, Carmilla hurries after him.)
Lestat: LIAR!!! *begins to pout*
Radu: I’ll stroke your face some more.
Lestat: That would be LOVELY, Radu, mon cher. At least someone cares about me.
(Radu begins to stroke Lestat’s cheek some more. . .at this point, Varney runs in and dumps another enormous bucket of ice water over Lestat’s head.)
Varney: YAY! WE WIN! HE’S UNDEAD! Did I do something. . .bad?
(Varney notices Lestat glaring at him from the floor and Radu staring at him strangely.)
Varney: Am I interrupting something? Did I do something wrong? Am I. . .*gasp*. . .a BAD PERSON?!?!
Lestat: Radu, mon cher, I’m feeling a bit faint.
Radu: Oh, would you like me to take you to your room?
Lestat: Oh, monsieur, would you be so kind? *flutters eyelashes*
(Radu picks Lestat up and carries him to his room, closing the door behind him.)
Dracula: Hmm. I guess that’s the end of THIS game for the day. Unless. . .*a grin comes across the Count’s face* say. . .Varney. . .what do you know about sparring?
Varney: What’s sparring?
Dracula: Pick up that sword there and I’ll teach you a few tricks straight out of Wallachia.
(At this point, Ruthven comes out of his room to see Varney standing holding a long, very sharp sword. His eyes widen and he scurries out into the hallway. Now, you may be wondering why the vampires are in the hallway when they’re not supposed to leave their chambers. Well, as a matter of fact, Sir Integra is allowing them a free run of most of the Institute now as their behavior has been so good. In fact, on certain days they are actually allowed off the grounds and into the city during certain hours.)
(Enter Carmilla.)
Carmilla: What are you two boys up to?
Varney: We’re SPARRING!
Dracula: Now you hold it like this. . .there you go. . .now. . .the object of this game is to knock the sword out of your opponent’s hand. Radu and I used to play it all the time as boys in the prison camp. We gave it a name in Romanian that translates to “Really Fun Game to While the Endless Hours Away in the Turkish Prison Camp.”
Varney: What other games did you play?
Dracula: Well, Mircea and I used to play “Get Radu In Trouble by Egging the Houses,” “Abandon Radu in the Woods,” “Bury Radu in the Snow,” and “Push Radu in the River.” Then when we went to the prison camp, since it was just Radu and me, we would play other games, such as “Count the Sticks” and “Poke the Guard and Pretend it was the Other Guy.”
Carmilla: Poor Radu.
Dracula: He enjoyed it. He might not admit it, but he did.
Carmilla: So you two just beat up on him the entire time?
Dracula: No, we played with him. Mother would always say, “Boys, take Radu along with you to play!” And so we did.
Carmilla: I was always under the impression that the middle child got picked on.
Dracula: No. We both beat up on Radu. He was easy to beat up. The most fun was to leave him standing in one spot and then hide and yell “Cel Fruuuuuuumos!!” and watch him try to find you. Of course, you kept switching spots so he could never get you, and you always knew where he was because he’d get very irritated and yell “Stoppit!” as he was trying to find you.
Carmilla: You’re so mean, Dracula. The poor little boy.
Varney: What’s “Cel Fumos”?
Dracula: Radu Cel Frumos. Radu the Handsome. Let’s see if he still does it. . .Cel Fruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumos!!!
(Radu comes into the room.)
Radu: Stoppit!
Dracula: Old habits never die!!!
Carmilla: Apparently neither does immaturity.
Radu: Say. . .isn’t that sword a little big for Varney?
(Enter Alucard)
Alucard: We’re going outside. I would highly recommend wearing sneakers, and clothes that enable you to move easily that you don’t mind getting dirty-who gave the Slow One a sword?
Dracula: Hear that, coven? We’re following his orders for this afternoon.
Carmilla: Is it cold outside?
Alucard: It’s minus two degrees. And slushy, with a chance of rain and snow.
Radu: If it’s that cold out. . .wouldn’t it be a chance of snow, without rain?
Alucard: The forecast said a wintry mix. Just snow, who are you kidding? Why would it snow when it can ice? Stupid vampires. . .anyway, upstairs in five minutes. MOVE MOVE MOVE!
(Five minutes later, the vampires are standing outside the Institute in sweatpants and sweatshirts with hair tied back, freezing. Except for Lestat, who has on a normal outfit with an overcloak and a long scarf and seems perfectly warm.)
Alucard: Now, you’re going to feel the brunt of Hellsing training. When I give the signal, you shall start running on that path. RUNNING like a mortal runs. Nothing fancy, this is training. You will do ten of these laps.
Ruthven: How long is the path?
Alucard: 10.2 miles.
Dracula: 100 miles? You want us to run 100 miles?
Alucard: 102. And if you’re caught doing anything but MORTAL running. . .
Louis: Death?
Alucard: Worse. Ready?
Lestat: I have a medical excuse.
Alucard: Really? Let’s hear it.
Lestat: It’s on this sheet of paper. *waves sheet of paper*
(Alucard snatches the paper, glares at Lestat, and begins to read.)
Ruthven: What is it? That time of the month, Lestat?
(Lestat glares at Ruthven.)
Alucard: Hmmm. . .are you on some sort of medication for this?
Lestat: Mmm. . .yes. Aroma-therapy with scented candles.
Alucard: Well, I supposed you’re excused.
Ruthven: Why? What’s his excuse?
Lestat: I have this thing where if I run I go blind temporarily.
Varney: Oh yeah! I have to take my inhaler because. . .
Alucard: TOO BAD! RUN! NOW! YOU! Sit here and keep time.
(Lestat bats his eyelashes and sits cross-legged in mid air keeping time and filing his nails. Varney is two feet from the starting line when he has an asthma attack.)
Alucard: Varney! Suck it up!
(Varney gets up and keeps running while panting. Once he disappears into the woods, Alucard gets up and leaves to go inside.)
Alucard: Just watch them. It looks like it’s going to start raining and freezing soon.
(The sky is one big black cloud. Soon lightning strikes and we get. . .THUNDER SNOW!!! The wind kicks up, and the thunder snow turns into a total white out, with some rain and ice mixed in. The vampires who are running chat mentally as they go for now. Radu and Dracula are at the head, Carmilla and Louis are in the middle, a little bit behind them by a tenth of a mile, and even farther behind is Varney.)
Dracula: ~This reminds me of the time that we took you up the mountains and left you there.~
Radu: ~Oh, I remember that. I remember I was sick for three WEEKS after that.~
Dracula: ~That was fun, stealing your cloak and leaving you there to freeze.~
Radu: ~Your definition of fun is really disturbing, Vlad.~
Dracula: ~That’s what they say.~
(An hour later, the brothers cross the line to begin their second lap. A minute later Carmilla and Louis cross. Varney has passed out in the woods. Lestat, under an umbrella, gives encouragement to the runners. Alucard comes out to check on them.)
Lestat: Come on, guys! Only 91.8 more miles to go! Woo! Run, run!
Alucard: What lap are they on?
Lestat: Lap Two! C’mon guys you can do it! Go, go, go!
Alucard: Are you SURE you can’t run this with them?
Lestat: Quite sure. C’mon guys!
Alucard: Marmeduke hasn’t passed yet?
Lestat: Nope.
Alucard: Hmm. . .go find him.
Lestat: Ok. Can I bring my umbrella?
Alucard: Just go.
(Lestat goes off into the woods and comes across Varney a mile from where he started. He’s passed out in a snowdrift. Lestat nods and then goes back to Alucard.)
Alucard: Well?
Lestat: He’s passed out in a snow drift.
Alucard: And? Did you kick him? Tell him to get a move on?
Lestat: No.
Alucard: Ok, well, we’ll send someone out to bring him in.
(He whistles and a couple of guys with a stretcher go out and come back with Varney.)
Alucard: KEEP MOVING! MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!
Lestat: Only eighty-nine point something miles to go!
TO BE CONTINUED. . .SOON