Memory
In the shower earlier this evening, I had a bit of an epiphany as to the way I work... here it is.
For some, myself included, memory often dictates the actions and thoughts I experience in a moment. I remember similar moments, or different ones, and tend to convince myself in one of several directions based on how previous moments have transpired. That may have been unclear… What I mean to say is that my memory acts like a bank, creating good will or ire toward people, places, events, etc. based on my experiences with each of the components. Let’s say I have an acquaintance who has disappointed me on several occasions. I am likely to view this person with an aura of distrust. He or she may do something on occasion that surprises me in a good way, but I generally trust this person no more than I did the day before, unless the good overtakes the disappointment as the more regular occurrence at some point. The opposite is also true. If I have a great friend with whom I take on great adventures, conquer the world, enjoy my time with, etc. he or she has built up a sort of good will with me. This makes it easier for me to overlook the disappointments of a day or even a week. I know how this person treats me regularly, so it is easy for me to forgive him when he breaks character and disappoints me. I do not think this is at all crazy. Though, I suppose it is the only way I know how to see the world.
I guess it is a little bit like averages. To be clear, I despise math, and it has never been a subject that fully exemplifies my intelligence. In fact, I avoid math because it makes me feel stupid. Anyway, a short mathematic example may further explain the way my memory works in relation to my relationships with other people, places, objects, etc.
To keep this simple we should use a plus or minus scale of ten around the number zero. A “+10” would be like the best day of the month or week. A trip to the coast with a loved one, for example. A night of passion. Something like these examples. A “+5” would be like a great conversation over coffee with a dear friend from high school. Each interaction with everything around me carries with it a number value. A “-10” is something awful, a “-5” is something pretty disappointing (a friend telling you he will make time for you and forgetting, for example). Alright, alright, this is getting a little complicated, but I swear it’s easy.
Okay, to remove any sort of personal attachment to this whole idea, I should use an inanimate object as an example. I like using the tea kettle. Every time I get some hot water to make some scrumptious tea, I love my life a little more. I would say that the tea experience is a “+3.” I make ten cups of tea. Nine times, I love the tea. The tenth time, I burn the shit out of my hand-probably a “-7.” It hurt badly. The “-7” is worse than the tea ever is good (“+3”). But, here’s the deal, I have the memory of the tea being really good. I also carry with me the memory of the bad experience. Nine times, it was a “+3” (9x3=27). Once, it was awful (9x3-7=20). This creates an equation…god, it’s embarrassing to break myself down this way… ((9x3-7)/10=2)… Now the tea kettle has an overall experience of “+2.” I still like using the tea kettle. Let’s say the tea kettle burns the shit out of my hand constantly. Again, I use it ten times, but burn my hand five out of the ten. (((5x3)-(5x7))/10=-2)… I don’t really like using the tea kettle anymore… This was an overcomplicated way to explain to myself a pretty simple fact about the way I work.
I guess the scale is much bigger than negative ten to positive ten. A man cheating on his wife is probably “-1,000,000.” Not a whole lot he can do to fix that situation. A night of emotional connection and growth is probably worth a little more than “+10.” But, really, this is the way my mind works. Past experiences influence how I view the relationship of the nouns around me to myself.
I wish I understood this outside of myself. It would help a lot. I know that not everyone works this way, and I really want to understand how other people work. Sigh.
For some, myself included, memory often dictates the actions and thoughts I experience in a moment. I remember similar moments, or different ones, and tend to convince myself in one of several directions based on how previous moments have transpired. That may have been unclear… What I mean to say is that my memory acts like a bank, creating good will or ire toward people, places, events, etc. based on my experiences with each of the components. Let’s say I have an acquaintance who has disappointed me on several occasions. I am likely to view this person with an aura of distrust. He or she may do something on occasion that surprises me in a good way, but I generally trust this person no more than I did the day before, unless the good overtakes the disappointment as the more regular occurrence at some point. The opposite is also true. If I have a great friend with whom I take on great adventures, conquer the world, enjoy my time with, etc. he or she has built up a sort of good will with me. This makes it easier for me to overlook the disappointments of a day or even a week. I know how this person treats me regularly, so it is easy for me to forgive him when he breaks character and disappoints me. I do not think this is at all crazy. Though, I suppose it is the only way I know how to see the world.
I guess it is a little bit like averages. To be clear, I despise math, and it has never been a subject that fully exemplifies my intelligence. In fact, I avoid math because it makes me feel stupid. Anyway, a short mathematic example may further explain the way my memory works in relation to my relationships with other people, places, objects, etc.
To keep this simple we should use a plus or minus scale of ten around the number zero. A “+10” would be like the best day of the month or week. A trip to the coast with a loved one, for example. A night of passion. Something like these examples. A “+5” would be like a great conversation over coffee with a dear friend from high school. Each interaction with everything around me carries with it a number value. A “-10” is something awful, a “-5” is something pretty disappointing (a friend telling you he will make time for you and forgetting, for example). Alright, alright, this is getting a little complicated, but I swear it’s easy.
Okay, to remove any sort of personal attachment to this whole idea, I should use an inanimate object as an example. I like using the tea kettle. Every time I get some hot water to make some scrumptious tea, I love my life a little more. I would say that the tea experience is a “+3.” I make ten cups of tea. Nine times, I love the tea. The tenth time, I burn the shit out of my hand-probably a “-7.” It hurt badly. The “-7” is worse than the tea ever is good (“+3”). But, here’s the deal, I have the memory of the tea being really good. I also carry with me the memory of the bad experience. Nine times, it was a “+3” (9x3=27). Once, it was awful (9x3-7=20). This creates an equation…god, it’s embarrassing to break myself down this way… ((9x3-7)/10=2)… Now the tea kettle has an overall experience of “+2.” I still like using the tea kettle. Let’s say the tea kettle burns the shit out of my hand constantly. Again, I use it ten times, but burn my hand five out of the ten. (((5x3)-(5x7))/10=-2)… I don’t really like using the tea kettle anymore… This was an overcomplicated way to explain to myself a pretty simple fact about the way I work.
I guess the scale is much bigger than negative ten to positive ten. A man cheating on his wife is probably “-1,000,000.” Not a whole lot he can do to fix that situation. A night of emotional connection and growth is probably worth a little more than “+10.” But, really, this is the way my mind works. Past experiences influence how I view the relationship of the nouns around me to myself.
I wish I understood this outside of myself. It would help a lot. I know that not everyone works this way, and I really want to understand how other people work. Sigh.